the nice lady at wal-mart would not sell me claritan d because i am not yet 18. and i was mean to her, and now i feel bad about it. i looked at her and said "do you really think i'm going to make meth with this?" that was probably a mistake.

i'm feeling a lot better than i felt yesterday about things. but yesterday ended up being a really fun day... i took jon to the cemetery, and we drove around searcy trying to get lost. we drove and drove and always ended up on race street. and so jon and i decided that it is impossible to get lost in searcy. he's a lot younger than i thought he would be, if that makes any sense. he must write older than he acts. but that's not a bad thing.

everytime i see robin around, i wish i were with him. it's very strange. i'll see him walking somewhere and think "i wish we had plans to do something tonight". i don't want to waste this semester not spending any time with him. our schedules are such that we never run into each other, really. but this isn't some sort of cry for help. i just want to write what i feel.

katie and i are so funny... i'm super sick, and we're still drinking after each other. today when i came in, i tossed her my half-eaten roast beef sandwich, and she gobbled it up. then she started sneezing. it's ok... she's going to buy me drugs (claritan) and then we can nurse each other back to health. and while we're at it, we can buy some more sparkling grape juice to feel our habit... we're binge drinkers. there, i said it. but honestly, our friendship is hilarious. she wipes crumbs off my face after i eat, and i have found myself leaning into it with my chin. i don't know how to describe how funny i think that is...

now katie and i are devising a cd to listen to on the way to the concert. it's a good thing that doesn't make us losers...!

that is freedom.

yet another long block of no posting. but that's ok, it would have all been stupid teenage girl ranting anyway.

i feel like i have to make some sort of special effort to act "normal" around people today. and that maybe otherwise they would just sit around wondering why i'm not fun and smiling. plus, jon is here... which is cool, cause i'm really excited to meet him. but i don't want him to think this is my normal state... the unfun frowning girl. i guess that on some level it's pretty funny. "life is funny, but not haha funny."

it probably doesn't help that i've apparently been visited by the sinus infection fairy... only going to one class today, because i have a test and don't want to have to make it up in essay form before monday. ick. i think that if a person really wanted to have a legitimate excuse to miss class, they should go spend a few minutes in the nurse's office waiting room. you're sure to catch something there, what with all the sick puking college students.

took josh to mcdonalds twice in the past few days. i like doing things like that. i wonder if that's strange. i guess i'm pretty strange either way. last night i had a dream that a boy bought me flowers, except instead of being happy i was upset because i didn't want anything from him. it's funny how sometimes your dreams make perfect sense to you. that one made perfect sense to me.

if i ever get a pet, i want to name it logic, because that's important to me.

i was looking up a word in the dictionary, and stumbled upon the word "green" today. while i already knew what green is, i still thought it was interesting that it would be defined in a dictionary, and proceeded to read it. and many many others. some of them are so fun. too bad the phonetic symbols wouldn't show up.

blue (bloo) n. any of a group of colors whose hue is that of a clear daytime sky

green (gren) n. any of a group of colors whose hue is that of growing grass

yellow (yel' o) n. any of a group of colors whose hue is that of ripe lemons

red (red) n. any of a group of colors whose hue resembles that of blood

how so very strange that of everything in the world with those colors, they choose the sky, grass, lemons, and blood.

"in short, she found herself in a state of funk." that's a line from lady chatterley's lover, which is a book i read recreationally last semester. and it pretty much describes how my day was. i felt off today, for some reason. kind of like the world had a secret that it was keeping from me. i think maybe the weather gives me that impression. it's foggy up in the trees, and inside my little mind. and it's grey outside, and i have grey matter... sigh, i didn't think the analogy could last long. =)

somebody called me beautiful today. it was a joke... a response to me calling him pretty. but still, i don't think i could ever get tired of hearing that. but that sounds odd. it's not because i'm particularly arrogant. i just think that boys don't realize that it's maybe one of the most wonderful things they could tell a girl. we all think that we might be pretty. but other people can help us to know for sure. does that even make sense? i just want to be honest about how girls are. maybe it makes us look selfish and super insecure. maybe it just makes us look human?

few things are better than dropping obscure song references in plain conversation that the recipient doesn't understand. i am officially capable of making my own fun.

sometimes i think that the things i spend my time thinking about are pretty worthless. and isn't that just one unhappy circle. i'm not sure how i could possibly still expect anything he says to me to be new or fun... it's just a serious of little tinges, little pricks of ickiness. it really seems like boys are always going to be like this. i don't want to be some bitter girl who doesn't like to trust people or feel anything. but there are so many stupid things to slalom through. i'm so young, and i really don't know anything.

goodnight moon, goodnight friends, goodnight blog.

ok. i don't really hate harding security. i don't hate people.

today is sackcloth and ashes today. first of all, it's been a year to the day since i took my sat. and got the lowest score of my family. not that i'm bitter. secondly, it's been two years to the day since i started dating kerry. andrew commented to me that kerry and i "never really broke up." i think it's because he's not totally dead to me yet. contrary to what kerry probably thinks (and that's ok, i would be the same way if he had done what i did with the whole james thing), it took me a long time to get over him. maybe "get over" is a dumb way of putting it. to feel completely free of him. if i even feel that way by now. it helps that he thinks i ruined his life. like i could really be that important to him. this is the closest thing i could have to a boyfriend now. again, not that i'm bitter. "how does his world spin without me in his nest... could there really be such happiness?"

speaking of people i'm not dating (that was for katie, and whoever else thinks that ankle-biting is flirting), adam and i got stranded in jacksonville last night. it was big fun, actually. probably not too much fun for adam, since he's understandably frustrated about his car. i hope he can continue to handle that alright. i would be sore pissed if i were him, so i was impressed that he still laughed with me about things. it says something about him. we were all soaking wet from standing out in the rain fixing his car (more like him fixing and me standing), so i commented that i wanted to buy a pair of pajama pants from walmart so i could be dry and not get sick. and somehow that evolved into adam and i buying matching pajama outfits... a shirt that says "There is no next time... LOSER!" (absolutely the stupidest and most horrible shirt they had, so naturally it was our first choice), pants with hearts all over them that say "sweet heart" and "i love you" etc, and then pink and grey argyle socks. so when katie came to pick us up, we gleefully showed her our new and exciting clothes. and there, in jacksonville, arkansas, in the middle of the rain at the gas station parking lot, we all laughed like little kids. life is really happy sometimes. i guess everybody has noticed this by now, but adam and i act like five year olds when we're together with the group... like, dinosaur fights in the backseat with josh, and ankle-biting, and wet willies, and tickling. it's so funny, to be that young. but when we're alone together, we're not like that very much. we have serious conversations, and joke around like normal people. it's strange how that works, but i don't hate it. he's such a good friend, honestly like a brother to me.

katie's out with matt tonight. i hope they're having fun and being good. andrew told me that ruby tuesday just called their apartment and asked where the heck matt is... i guess that's a really bad thing. i hope he doesn't get fired or anything. yikes.

i really really really like the eels lately. it's probably unhealthy. here are some really good lyrics.

"it's a motherf***er
how much i understand
the feeling that you need someone
to take you by the hand
and you won't ever be the same
you won't ever be the same"

"i don't have a chance at writing the book
i just wanna be a page
in jeannie's diary
one single page
in jeannie's diary"

"and you may not think much of me
but i think so damn much of you
don't take any wooden nickels
when you sell your soul
a devil of a time awaits you
when the party's over
you're on your own"

"on a rainy day
and as the world will blow to bits
i'll cradle you and hold you tight"

"hate a lot of things
but i love a few things
and you are one of them"

"she will always be the only thing
that comes between me and the awful sting
that comes from living in a world that's so damn mean"

ok, all unhappiness comes from comparing. and this morning my unhappiness comes from comparing my previous situation (HAVING MY EXPLETIVE CAR) to my current situation (MY EXPLETIVE CAR BELONGING TO THE RUDE MAN ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE WHEN I CALLED GENERAL AUTOMOTIVE).

i hate you, harding security. i hate you for towing my car. i hate everybody except for that nice man named chris who helped me get it registered. and to the blonde receptionist, i especially hate you. because you were on the phone talking to your friend about how ugly the new shoes that your boyfriend got you were while i was sitting in your uncomfortable chair nearly in tears because you were completely unhelpful in the process of me retrieving my car. and i hate whoever's idea it was to charge $68.00 for a little sticker that says i'm allowed to park on campus. i hate you, i hate you, i hate you.

i hate you.

oh, and

all unhappiness comes from comparing

for the benefit of those around her, karyn remembered to take her prozac today. her mommy would be proud.

i'm so happy that it's friday... a test in french, a speech in communications, a quiz in international relations, and 50 minutes of total confusion in old testament survey. bring on the weekend; i'm ready to sleep in (well, sleep in and NOT have to feel bad about missing chapel)!

"hold steadfast and remember" is a really beautiful song. i wish i knew who it was by. i've ruled out ace troubleshooter, and i think it's either eastwest or easier said. i can't remember what shelby told me about it. and i asked him at lunch, and i can't remember what he said still. hooray for obscure christian bands, except why oh why don't you post your lyrics on the internet? "hold steadfast and remember, remember my love..."

ok look, so i know that the whole thing is a joke, but i'm still a girl and i like boys, and i don't want to be one of the girls i ridicule mercilessly for liking boys who live far away. not that i have the problem now, but there's always the potential.

my bible teacher mentioned roe v. wade today in class, just for the briefest of moments. and it made my jaw clench for a good fifteen minutes. i don't have any problem whatsoever with people's opinions being different, heck i think it's great, but i think that educators shouldn't impart their opinions as if everybody agreed. how dare a person in a position of authority discuss an opinion as if it were fact. but it's alright. really, i'm not upset anymore. abortion is a very touchy topic, extremely personal for some people, and i hate to discuss it because i never want to allow one portion of a person's beliefs dictate the way i see them or think of them. and probably above all, i never want a person to see me though some sort of negative filter because of one opinion. it's hard for me. really really hard. i wonder if it's this difficult for everybody.

sadness is when your poster of the last supper by dali falls into the vortex behind the cabinet, never to be seen again. happiness is when your roommate assures you that your butt isn't disproportionately large in comparison to the rest of your body. so i've got a pretty neutral feeling.

golly, so many things to say, and yet my eyes are beginning to close by themselves. when did two o'clock become nap time? oh, thats right, yesterday.

this katie and matt thing really snuck up on me. but it's not a problem, per se. just something new and different, and that's never 100% easy. i don't want to say too much about it, lest it be misinterpreted.

last night i took a special event with robin and we stayed out an hour past curfew just talking and walking around... it was nice to have him as a friend and a person to talk to rather than a love interest. and the thing is, i really mean that. strange things are happening. i never realized before a few days ago how different robin and i are in our thinking. he's got a different approach to everything. i can't decide if we complement each other, or clash.

i can't tell if i'm supposed to be happy with how everything is now, and wait for things to come to me, or if i should actively seek change. surely i'm not the only person who has this problem, though, and complaining about it is useless. complaining about anything is useless. (note: this does not mean i will stop doing it.)

as for the state of the union address... when i was telling people it was coming on, and that they should watch it, the standard response i received was "but you hate bush, why would you want to watch him talk?" this deeply saddened me. i do not hate bush; i do not hate people... also, just because he's not my favorite candidate doesn't mean i'm not interested in the state of the union address. if your choice doesn't win the election, you don't drop out for the next four years. plus, there are good and bad points to bush as well as to any democratic candidate. i lament whatever error i made that would lead people to believe that i could blindly hate a person... i just don't like his politics all that much. no big deal. i heard a man on television say "you can't hate politicians if you love democracy"... the more i think about it, the more it's true. they go together. like thomas paine said, it's a necessary evil. see how i can start talking about this, and then just talk and talk until whoever reads this is so bored that they've burst into flames? craziness. someday me being this way is really going to work well for something or somebody. well, i hope.

and now? the eels. "i was at a funeral when i realized i wanted to spend my life with you. sitting down on the steps at the old post office, the flag was flying at half-mast and i was thinking 'bout how everyone was dying and maybe it's time to live..."

i peeled myself out of bed this morning to meet my sister to pay our tuition, and then found out my parents called and paid already. my parents rule... i miss them, wah.

despite my apparent status as consummate entertainer, not everything i say is a joke. just a thought.

people seem to complain about searcy a lot. i can't really say that searcy is all that terrible. i've lived a lot of places... at least i can look out my window and know that it goes on for miles and miles instead of "oh, it's water. oh yeah, i'm still here." the one constant in every place i've been is that you have to make your own fun. even if you go to disneyland, you have to make your own fun. you have to go to bed expecting to have fun the next day. and when you get up in the morning, if you think that your day will have no fun included, it won't. get a hobby.

i think i'm doing alright with the whole bitter-female situation. well, maybe i could still use some work. it's hard to see couples all over the place without wanting to stare at my shoes and walk myself back to my dorm.

tonight is the state of the union address! oh, joy and rapture!

what a bright idea, to forget about him. but there's one thing that i know is true... if i'm going to really forget, i need to find somebody else. that's just the only way to really move on. i know i'm at harding and all, and boys aren't exactly in short supply, but where am i going to find another boy who is unattached who agrees with me somewhat about the state of the world and whom i could reasonably like? a boy who knows when to use "who" and "whom", and who could look me in the eye and tell me he doesn't harbor a seething hatred for a man like howard dean? a boy who likes antiflag AND five iron frenzy? one to whom i could show mental_floss magazine and know he's actually interested? most importantly, a boy who makes me feel safe about the things i believe, like my opinions are not moral failings, like the whole world isn't full of the type of people who wonder how i could be a Christian? do boys like that even exist? does robin even exist?

if i'm this picky, maybe i deserve to be passed over.

mostly, i need a boy who would immediately laugh at this... if you don't laugh immediately, you can't be him...

yeesh. today was an alright day, if you don't count a substantial portion of it. like how hardcore the keyboards in the student center suck.

i hate thinking that i have to censor myself because of who reads my blog. that's super lame. but whatever, it's life. i decided that i have too much to give somebody to waste time in my current situation. and that's ok. different people are at different points in their lives... things are always going to be that way. but now i feel like i would rather have nobody to share myself with than have a person that i can only share part of myself with. there's so much inside of me that i want to let out; i don't like going halfway in something like that.

and so i'm feeling strangely. i wrote my sister katie a letter today. two pages front and back. but not 1/100th of the things i would want to tell her. i could post it on the blog i share with her, but it's not the same as a letter in the mail. a letter in the mail is one of the best things in the whole world, probably. a real live letter, written out on lined paper, addressed and stamped, sent to you in the mail. it's a wonderful feeling to have somebody bother doing that. i love sending them as much as i love receiving them, but i'm so forgetful. i'd like to write adrienne, as well, so that we can talk a lot more than we talked last year. it was not very fun to see her at christmas and feel like i didn't know anything about her life. i barely know her husband. i'd like to fix all that. i love my sisters, all of them. so much of who i am is who they are recycled.

today during church, i felt like i had an epiphany. but really, it's not anything new. maybe i just saw it in a new, better way. so here goes. it's not any huge secret that i really believe in the separation of church and state, and that i support lots of legislation that other Christians would greatly dislike (generally), but i feel that by pursuing things of that nature, i am glorifying God. because i feel so strongly that He's the reason i have those things pressing so firmly on my heart. even though it may not be straight up evangelizing, or selling all my possessions and giving everything i to the poor, it would still be the work of God, given my attitude.

i think it would be easier for me to do my reading for Bible class if i did it with somebody. or maybe lots of different people at different times. and today jedidiah said, more or less, that we should hang out more often. and what better to do than read the Bible? hearing the insights of others would make it so much better for me. we could probably learn a lot from each other, and about each other.

i feel like there are so many things i wanted to post about, but have forgotten. it's been a while since i left anything because when i planned to, the internet was down for what seemed like forever + several hours.

i'm disturbed by the couples making out around me. and so, i will read the onion. take that, pda.

young and with no clue
and i wanna love you
give me the key to what it's about
everything i've read
and everything you've said
prove you're over my head
help me climb out

i know that you don't need nobody
are you sure you're that sure about me?

hey what did i do?
i've spoken too soon
listen to this tune
forget the words
wait until someday
'cause when i know what to say
i'll say it in the best way you've ever heard

i know that you don't need nobody
are you sure you're that sure about me?

young and with no clue
i still wanna love you
give credit where it's due
i've got good taste
it's not like i wanna get married
i never asked you to kiss me
just don't want you to be sorry you didn't try

sigh... back early to work on homework. that is not my idea of a fun time.

i was sitting in my history class, listening intently to the teacher (this actually happened... strange, i know), and she mentioned something about how no historical period, save the renaissance, has refered to itself as anything but the modern era. and i think about how i feel like i'm living in the modern era. but what will history books of the 24th century say about this period of time? what will we be remembered for? what will america be remembered for? it makes me sad to think of the way other countries will record the history of this year. it makes me sadder to think of the way america will record its own history, the way americans will remember things. i definitely do not think i'm smarter than the average person, and i don't look down on people who don't choose to pay attention, but there are so many things that most americans probably don't know about the country. there are probably tons of things i personally don't know.

matt came to see me today. well, to see me and katie. it was really nice seeing him... it's so surreal for my early guam life to intersect with harding. i don't have to just tell stories about him and have him be some name i occasionally mention. he's an actual person to them... it's really makes me glad. and i just love the guy so much. i always thought i would see him again after he left guam, but at the same time it never seemed like it would really happen... seemed like it would be something i always just envisioned. God has brought us back together for a reason.. i thought i knew what it was, but that wasn't it at all. he doesn't seem excessively happy where he is in life right now. i hope that somehow i can help him find what he's looking for.

i'm at a strange place as far as the male gender is concerned. i'm not even sure how to explain how i feel... i just don't know what to do with myself. but what is that, except maybe a showtune? and there's no reason to drag myself onto any stage with a tophat and cane. i do too much performing and not enough living. i'm trying to live more, by being honest with people. well, a person. i don't know that it's gotten me much further than sarcasm and hint-dropping, but i'm very pleased to be talking to him again in the first place. i have no idea what my problem was, and i'm sad to have had it in the first place. i wonder how things would be now if i hadn't been freak-out girl.

i've had the same song stuck in my head for so long. girlfriend, by eve6. it makes me feel very young, to be caught up in a song. probably the bad kind of young. but i think it's beautiful.

you're really gone, girlfriend
the dryers on, amen
and i'm alone for the first time
(i walk away now)
you left a sock, girlfriend
where's the pair, broken
are you aware that i'm missing you
(i walk away now)

but i can't run to you no more
to catch me when i'm falling
i know i have to let you go
but i will not be broken
no i will not be broken
but keep the slow fading memories

this place is strange, empty
you did your time, plenty
and the walls are bare where your pictures hung

but i can't call you up no more
and no we can't just be friends
but now its time to let you go
but i will not be broken
no i will not be broken

and keep the slowly fading
memories memories
i'm keeping these memories

i can't run to you no more
to catch me when im falling
i know i have to let you go
but i will not be broken
for ever tear a lesson learned
every good time golden
but now it's time to let you go
and i will not be broken
and i will not be broken
no i will not be broken
but keep the slowly fading memories

i'd like to be something to somebody.

i can't believe i went so long without posting here.

it's amazing how many emotions a person can feel in one single day. i was euphoric to be back, to be around the group again. and i'm still happy about that... i missed the security, the way you can feel cared about. like there's a constant in my life, the knowledge that i always have a 5:30 appointment. i'm not sure how to explain it, but i really love these people. and so i've been happy. but at the same time, and this is really stupid because i shouldn't care about this type of thing, it's frustrating and discouraging knowing that nothing will happen with him or him or him. sorry i'm not better than the girls who aren't even here. but those girls can be whatever a boy wants them to be, because when you're away from somebody then they just become an idea and your mind shapes them into an ideal. and it's no secret that i'm not ideal, but i don't want to be ideal, because i don't want to ever just be some boy's idea. don't they realize that these girls can't be more than just pictures on their walls or screen names on their buddy lists?

i'm just feeling worthless. it's silly.

ok. well tonight i tried out something pretty radical. taking my own advice. that whole people-are-people-and-we-shouldn't-be-afraid-of-them thing... it seemed like a good idea at the time. but i'm not sure now, because after you get past being afraid of people and you move onto honesty, it opens up a different set of issues. i feel ok about everything, but i can easily picture a scenario in which i wouldn't feel ok. for instance, were it not nearly 5 in the morning and were i not thus temporarily mentally impaired, i might not feel ok. also, and much more importantly, honesty can make situations bad for the recipient. i don't want to make things hard for anybody, or distract anybody from what they should be doing. and i'm not sure what i was expecting. but like i said, i feel ok.

and i am playing my music pretty loudly, because i'm the only person on my hall right now. there's something fun about being alone, even if it makes you think. maybe thinking is part of the fun... but only sometimes. like after i talked to my best friend from junior high a few days ago, afterwards all i could think about were all the what-if's of junior high. then it expanded to the what-ifs of high school. and there are so many to consider. but it didn't leave me with a happy feeling. it felt like i just ate one of the grey cafeteria muffins. the kind that has no discernable flavor, but actually tastes like what a bad aftertaste would be. and then the aftertaste of the bad aftertaste is even worse. that type of thing. unhappiness. discontent. those are not on my list of sought-after emotions. and my goodness, my rambling is really out of control at this obscene hour. speaking of which, i need to change the air filter in my car.

and theres only one thing that i know how to do well
and i've often been told that you only can do
what you know how to do well
and that's be you
be what you're like
be like yourself

and here's the whole mood of the thing, as my sister says:

well, i'm back at harding. and while i was driving in my little kia by myself for eight hours, i did a lot of thinking. here are some highlights of what's on karyn's mind. scary, i know.

- how hungry i was (this was a heavily featured thought, as we only stopped for food once and all i bought was gum)

- the time that my neighbor was picking caterpillars off her shrubs and flinging them onto the pavement, then stomping their tiny caterpillar faces with her very expensive (and remarkably feminine and dainty) shoes. i guess she was really angry that they were deconstructing what she had put so much care into, what she had spent so much time creating. then i thought, wow i'm lucky that God doesn't stomp on my tiny human face with three-inch heels everytime i mess up what He has put so much love into creating.

- how great anti-flag is (very great, if there was any question)

- same for five iron frenzy

- how guys make me swoon when they have a basic knowledge of current events and well thought-out political opinions that somewhat resemble mine... and how boys who oppose the death penalty make me weak in the knees... and how weird i am about all of those things

- the time that the boy who i highly esteemed (so maybe i was madly in like with him) told me everything about myself that i had always wanted to hear, and that i knew he meant it because he doesn't just say things. and he told me he meant it. that was so special to me. and the weird thing is, that actually did happen. sometimes life really sparkles.

- how this makes about as much sense as this

i guess my mind wanders a lot when i'm alone. and it's definitely wandering now.

big fish = awesome awesome awesome
ewan mcgregor = siiiiiiiigh
tomorrow = karyn goes back to harding
that = one day early
you = karyn loves a lot

"it's two o'clock your time, midnight mine... and i could die to have you here..."

i guess there's some sort of unwritten law that i can only post in the early hours of the morning... which i'm sure is great for ellen because she's trying to be asleep only a few feet away. (notice how i feel a little bad, but not quite bad enough to quit.) today was a good day. didn't leave the house, except for one small trip to winn dixie to buy baby carrots. yes, baby carrots. that's all i was good for today. being the bearer of baby carrots.

woke up at 1 pm again, as has become my habit, and then got my special-k-red-berries on. then immediately to the television for a trigger happy tv marathon. for those of you who aren't familiar with the show, you're unknowingly leading empty lives without it. if i tried to explain it, i wouldn't do justice to its genius. suffice it to say, it's a show i would feel lucky to spend three hours of my life gleefully watching. and today i felt very lucky.

then mom and ellen came home with my new bottle of prozac, and there was much rejoicing! and then more trigger happy tv! and then more rejoicing!

after dinner, i worked on my new shirt. i've attached velcro to a t-shirt, and then attached small pieces of the other side of the velcro to tiny letters. so i can spell things out differently each time, without having to keep making new shirts. its such a drain of money, whenever i have an idea. =) i like it, though. hope the velcro holds up in the washing machine. (is this really what i'm posting about? is this really my life? "hope the velcro holds up in the washing machine"?!)

well, a long time ago i posted about how people shouldn't be afraid of each other. i still definitely believe that now. i think it applies especially with boy-girl relationships, whether they be romantic or otherwise. why can't boys just say how they feel. girls will be flattered. and if girls said how they felt, that would give boys confidence. and don't they need it? goodness. goodness gracious. but look at me, i won't tell him how i feel for a loooong time, if at all. gosh that's sad. and i know it's sad, but it probably won't change. people are so weird. myself perhaps more so.

maybe ewan mcgregor is the only man i need.

so yesterday i was only awake for nine hours. nine out of twenty-four. how much of the sleep that i get is truly necessary, and how much of it is just me wasting my life into tiny pieces? today was a little better. i woke up at 10 in the morning, which might be a first for me. even on christmas it wasn't so early. then went to the air force base to drop off my prescription. i have, alas, only one prozac tablet left in my little orange bottle. and i should have taken it today, but i didn't. i just opened the bottle and looked at it for a while. maybe talked to it a little. nothing out of the ordinary. =) i really believe that stuff works. i can feel a difference in myself. i'm much less equipped to deal with things when it's not in my system. and so tomorrow i get a whole new bottle! and i'll be happy, because it means another few months of not having to mess with the air force folks. there's nothing wrong with the air force, per se... it's just that the culture is so different between the air force and the navy that i find it traumatizing to be around them for so long. they're a little more high class. a cleaner base, great landscaping, nicer facilities, etc. the navy is kinda like a big mom-n-pop place. more home-y. more like my family. i miss living on a base. after that, we went to the commissary and i bought just about anything i could need next semester. i went crazy... since mom was buying, i picked up all of the cleaning supplies i'll need for the semester, enough soap and girly things, food, a new dry erase board, a bunch of hanging supplies... my car totally is packed now. but hey, it was free for me. you gotta love that. i even bought a little shelf so that i can have a place to stack my crap, instead of it just being stacked up on my desk. niiice.

i think the theme for our hall (the way the r.a. is decorating it) is smiley faces this coming semester. and i'm not kidding... i wonder how laura, katie, and i will cope with that. i think that when you're pissed off, seeing a smiley face just makes you even more pissed off. and if you're happy, you don't care about that sort of thing. so it really doesn't help anymore. sorta nazi-ish, if you think about it. forced happiness.

ellen's wedding color is navy blue. so i'm going to wear a navy blue dress as the maid of honor... and i'm carrying the ring she's going to give to josh, if she actually goes through with it (just kidding... but i really do carry the ring). today ellen bought a veil and there were bouquets at the store. so i made her throw it to me over her shoulder. is that terrible? i just think it's funny, i don't really want to get married anytime soon. two harding students practicing catching bouquets together in the bridal section of a craft store. oh, my life... =)

i'm so anxious to get back to harding and start the semester that my car is pretty much packed. i don't usually start packing until the really late the night before, or sometimes the actual morning that i leave, so i'm surprised at myself. and i've taken to calling my car helen, after good ol' helen keller. cause she makes funny noises, like helen keller. also, she runs into things like helen keller. the similarities are striking. maybe reincarnation is real after all... so why is helen keller a kia?!

goodnight moon. goodnight foot, even though you're already asleep. goodnight blog.

today seems like a special day.

i spent quite a while talking to my best friend from junior high today. we hadn't spoken in about a year, give or take a month. it's not that we quit talking deliberately, it just ended up that way. it's not easy to keep in touch when you're so far away from somebody, mentally and geographically. she's a really great person, though, and i had missed knowing how things were shaping up in her life. actually, her name is katie. and katie wendt reminds me very much of her... they're both full of art and have this strange coexisting strength and vulnerability. plus, they're both unconventionally beautiful, which i think is the best kind of beauty. anyway, it made me really happy to be caught up on all of the orange park (the town where i used to live--a suburb of jacksonville) gossip. who's dating who now, which couples broke up. how the college hunt is shaping up for all of my old friends. it's pretty surreal to be in college now while my friends are applying to schools. katie's boyfriend was accepted to vanderbilt and katie's staying in florida for college... they've been dating for two years, and my heart hurts for her now. my heart hurts for all of my friends who will have to leave each other. i hate to sound like i'm some sort of expert, because i know i'm not, but it wasn't easy for me the many times it's happened in my life. but i've learned a lot from it. it always seems like the end of the world, but life goes on. and it generally goes on to bigger and better things. friendships in life keep getting deeper and deeper... and if i'm noticing thing now, at 17, i wonder how much more wonderful the world can become for me in my lifetime.

i wanted to go to this great art museum today, all by myself. not to feel deep or to highlight my "perpetual solitude", but because i like the museum and when i'm alone i can do things at my own pace. look at what i want to, skip over what i'm not a fan of. but my mother asked me not to go today, to wait until another day when we could all go together. so instead i watched saturday night live and played snood. eventually, at 4, i took a shower. fixed my hair. i feel pretty today, and i haven't left my house... it's a travesty, really. =) but tonight my father is going bowling with his friends. and ellen, mama, and i will go out to dinner. so i'll leave my house for maybe an hour. good times.

i'm starting to believe more and more in arranged marriages. would it really be that horrible?

i'm in a bit of a better mood. that is a good thing. i woke up at 2 this afternoon, after several strange dreams.

first, i had a child. i always have children in my dreams. but i dropped him off when he was just a baby at some person's home... and a few weeks later i remembered that he existed and i had left him there, so i went to pick him up. and he was a toddler with wavy blonde hair by then. i don't remember how it ended, but it disturbs me that i'm constantly having dreams about being a mother... and my children either dissolve (yes, literally. dissolve in my hands) or i leave them somewhere or they just disappear. i hate to think what it means.

then, i was with jared (i trust jared not to read into this. i think it's really funny, personally.) and we were rollerblading together and laughing and having fun. and i almost fell backwards and then out of nowhere caught me. i didnt know he was even behind me until i felt his hands and realized i hadnt hit the ground. it was just really nice, one of those things you would see in a romantic comedy or something. and then all of the sudden some random guy says "you look like you're dating" and jared says "well, we are"... and i'm just sitting there, wondering what the expletive he's talking about. it was just so hilarious to me. such a foreign scenario. but the next thing i knew, i was holding somebody's hand, but i looked up and it wasn't jared. it was james, my best friend from high school. and that's freaky. i never held his hand in real life. i don't remember how it ended. do dreams even have an end? do they just fade in and out like a soap opera dream sequence?

last, i was at an anti-flag concert. except all i remember was buying the tickets at the counter... i never got to see them play. and i had short hair, and it was blue. and spiked in the front. but in the dream it didn't look quite as frightening as it would obviously look in real life. it worked. and i had my big jacket, except instead of pink it was BRIGHT ORANGE... and after i'm lookin all hot and stuff waiting to hear them perform, i'm awoken by ellen. who informs me that if i'm still asleep when dad gets back from class, he's going to be a bit miffed. and so i shook the sleep off and got out of bed. without my antiflag. not that i'm bitter. because bitterness is unattractive, and that's not on the list of things i'd like to be.

then as soon as dad returned home, ellen and mom went to some craft store where wedding supplies were half off. i know that it's important for ellen and mama to work out the plans for the big day, but it feels like they talk about it all the time. i'm not upset about it, really. i'm not sure how i feel. it's just so strange to me. after they left, i was watching tv for a while. more specifically, i was watching some 80's film about a computer mixup that led to a boy and a girl rooming together in a dorm at college. and they fall in love, of course, because it's a movie. and without a good old plot device, what's to become of movies? so they're happy and giggly and so fulfilled, and i get to thinking about my life. and then i get to even more thinking about what my life might end up being like. and finally i decide that it's time to leave the house and see what the world looks like today. of course it was raining. =)

i drove to what i thought would be target to pick up a shelf that i needed, but what ended up being a looooong stretch of two-lane road surrounded by what i could only assume were ranches or farms of some type. and the sun was down by then, revealing just how in-the-middle-of-nowhere i had become. no lights, really. not even street lights. but there were some signs up, that looked strangely like highway signs. suffice it to say that i got lost several times, and was late for dinner. i had no idea how terrifying it would be to get lost by yourself on a dimly lit road. i suppose that's because it had never happened before. but you know how things are... you don't see a store for a while, and your mind conjures up all of those teenage slasher flick memories. and the next thing you know, the man who is driving behind you is a serial killer who thirsts for the blood of a virgin. that darned virginity... =) but i was really afraid. in retrospect it's foolish.

and now i'm wondering now, do boys even notice verbal batting of the eyelashes? how much flirting goes on without the recipient's awareness? girls see flirting in everything, every tiny gesture. do boys see it even a little bit? or do they only find it when they're really looking? i feel like i'm wasting time by being in montgomery. i like being around my parents, but my father began school again today, and mom is on a mission now to get ellen's wedding sorted out. i'd like to get back to harding and meet some people. see my friends... make some more... maybe even go to class. see how the ol' work ethic is holding up. baby steps, though.

but instead of worry and wonder, i'm off to bed to enter into a 4th stage coma that will probably last into the afternoon again. the world is truly a wondrous place. the view from my bed is great.

so... great. sitting at my computer, posting stupid lines of poetry, joking with a boy because he's too afraid to be serious, being bitter that just because you have books, music, cartoons, political ideologies, and so much else in common doesn't mean that anything comes of it. there's always some third party. it's really stupid typical teen angst crap. georgia and alabama aren't so far away, and you won't be starting college for another few days, and we haven't seen each other in so long, but why think of visiting me. boys are such incredible cowards. are they always this disappointing?

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want no one to follow me
except maybe you

i could make you happy, you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but you're perfect together

so f**k you
and your untouchable face
f**k you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
who am i
bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning
my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
safe haven of the sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down the top 20 country songs

out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
you know i really don't look forward
to seeing you again soon.

you look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
i won't know what to do
i won't know what to say

so f**k you...

see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is f**k you...

well, katie left for england again today... i hate it when she leaves. we argue sometimes, but it's such a great feeling to be around my sisters. we're so close, it's freakish. i love feeling so comfortable around people.

speaking of comfort, last night was the gift of good words. i don't know if you guys all know about that, but it's this christmas tradition that my family began before i can even remember. we all sit down together and go around in a circle telling each other why we love each other. it's so emotionally draining, but so so so worthwhile. this year it lasted for three hours, and it was the five of us: my parents, ellen, katie, and me. whenever we sit together and begin, i think about the children i might have someday, and how this tradition can extend to them, and their children. it's just so special, and i think it's pretty unique. i feel blessed that my family has this closeness, and we can stand to sit with each other and talk about our feelings so openly.

charles is online. my friend from high school. and we're talking and joking just like we used to. he'll say something cute and i'll say "charles, come rescue me from this, and we can go to vegas and get hitched." and the thing is, i'm only half-kidding. so maybe i wouldn't run off into the sunset with him and head off to sin city, but everytime we talk i go straight back to how i felt last year. he's such a wonderful guy, beneath everything. at the core, i really think he's one of the most incredible people i've ever met. it's hard to just let that type of person go completely. sometimes i wish i would just stop running into him on the computer, but i could never give up on it. either way it sorta hurts. i wish he would tell me the truth about everything that happened last year. i know there's a lot i haven't been told. he always puts me in this mood. =)

and it's so strange to have a boy at harding that i feel i can really connect with, have a good time with, want to make an investment in. and he's just not there with me. it's ok, though... it teaches me a lot about the nature of life. sometimes when we don't get what we want, it's because there is something so much better than what we wanted waiting for us. even in the tiniest ways, God provides.

it's sort of a bummer having a site where my friends can't comment.

ok... every once in a while i start to think of myself as a person who could at least be partially mistaken for mature and level-headed. then i get some sort of cosmic dope-slap that sends me right back to kindergarten. no matter how far along i think i've come in the "getting over" process, no matter how long it has been since i gave somebody up, no matter if they've grown an extra head or begun to habitually projectile vomit, or even voted republican, i can't talk to people i used to date about their current relationships. even if i only halfway dated them. sheesh, how many years has it been since jon ceased to be my boyfriend? that was junior high for me, early high school for him. its ridiculous. the guy's 19 now, he's had 5 or 6 girlfriends since me, it seems like i should be able to stomach it by now. even people that i just almost dated. i feel so foolish about it, but at least i've identified it as impossible. i'd love to entertain the idea that after you stop being a romantic part of somebody's life then you can take the high road and everything will be awesome, but i suppose every once in a while it's important to just do what can keep you sane. am i the only person who is bothered by this? and the worst part is that i have this feeling that i wouldnt be so upset hearing about other people's exploits if i were in a relationship myself. i hate to let that color my reactions. i'm perfectly fine without a boyfriend, or even without a prospective boyfriend. i just need to return to the place where i can be around my friends. there are nonboyfriend relationships that can be every bit as fulfilling. i still feel like a thirteen year old, though.

i'm reading the davinci code now. it's really great. it has big words. see, i'm a big girl. ugh.

this is going to be a gigantic post.

so i spent the last two days in dc with my dad and ellen. i had forgotten how much i love even just being in an airport. there is just about every type of person waiting around for their plane. it's a fantastic place to people-watch. i guess that's a creepy hobby, but i definitely do it from time to time... the best thing i saw was a man playing with his son. they had winnie the pooh finger puppets, and were replaying some story. it was the sweetest thing. people traveling with children always seem to be on the brink of complete and total unhappiness while they wait for their plane and everything. kids will be screaming, asking for things, crawling all over the place... but this guy and his son were playing together. it was so nice.

also, at one point, i turned to ellen and said "i'm sad that i'm flying", in true strong sad spirit, and we laughed for a good half hour. good times.

the first thing we did after we got our hot little rental car was drive down to the navy yard and take a look at where dad could possibly work. he would be in charge of health care for something like 250 ships, he says. i can barely make my bed in the mornings... that level of responsibility boggles my mind. i guess you work up to it, though. like, i can remember being in first grade and thinking that third grade would be unbelieveably difficult. but then you get through second, and onto third, and it's nothing at all. maybe everything in life is like that? it looks tough, but the world prepares you for it. i was nervous about studying languages, when i first began japanese. it seemed impossible. especially with all of the symbols i had never seen before. but then i thought "come on, karyn. you don't have to work at everything yourself. it's the teacher's job to teach you the language." does that make any sense? and before long all of the symbols made sense to me, and i could put words together and sentences, and then i could actually speak with japanese people while i was traveling in japan. i guess what i'm saying is that we have people around us who are supposed to show us the way. sometimes we are that person. dad's going to handle his job, whatever it may be, just fine. he'll have people around him.

a bird has been stuck in our chimney all morning. my parents just realized that it was stuck, and in fact not building a nest there. they opened the fireplace screen, and out flew the bird. but not out the door. first he flew from room to room, inspecting all of the spots of sky visible through every window. eventually he made it out ok. i can't imagine what it must have been like for him to be trapped in the chimney for hours. and then to find himself inside a house, with glass separating him from the world he's used to. yeesh.

but back to dc. after a trip to the navy lodge and the commissary, we parked near union station and took the metro to the national archives. we had to wait in line for about a half hour to get in, but it was so worth it. i would have camped out for days to see what was inside... i guess i'm the constitution's equivalent to the crazed star wars fans dressed up as obiwan in line for the attack of the clones. we had to go through metal detectors to get inside, which was great because my belt sets off every metal detector in a 2 mile radius and i never remember to take it off. so i was walking through, wearing my "REPEAL THE PATRIOT ACT" shirt, and the security guard called me "miss patriot act"... i couldn't decide whether i should be proud or offended... i chose proud. and the detector goes off, because of my belt. so i tell him "it's my belt", and start to remove it, and he says "ma'am! do not remove your belt! i believe you!" and just waves me on. what if i had a gun or something? for all of their security measures, they sure trust people a lot. good thing i'm not a lunatic... sigh. =)

so we went into the first room, and it had documents in glass cases for us to look at. the emancipation proclamation, the 19th amendment, the gettysburg address, the civil rights act, the social security act, the monroe doctrine, brown v. board of education, and the 14th amendment. this is all thrilling for me, obviously. i was nigh unto soiling my frilly undergarments. so much history in one room... each piece of paper was so much more than one person writing or even a room of people voting. a speech impacting millions, legislature that changed our entire country so profoundly.

and oh my stars and garters.

then i saw the next room. things i had never thought of as being actual documents... actual words written down by actual people (well, actual men). before they were only ideas to me, but there they were behind glass inches away from my hands... the Constitution of the United States of America. all four pages of it. oh my gosh, it was wonderful. maybe one of the greatest things i've ever seen in my 17.5 years on this earth. =) and even more than that... the articles of confederation were there, the scroll only slightly unfolded to reveal the first few lines. it was breathtaking. the bill of rights. the declaration of independence. official papers for marbury v. madison and the louisiana purchase. i had never realized before that the things i am going to study are so much bigger than me. it's not just a subject in school, or a major you choose... it's history so gigantic, the very root of our entire country. i don't want to become an expert in something.. i want to become part of something. a little piece of the american political system. it is so amazing to me.

afterwards, we went across the street to the smithsonian. the natural history museum. they have this new exhibit on mammals that ellen had read about in a magazine, and so we checked it out. it was pretty great, except my mind was at the national archives still. afterwards, back to union station. we ate at the johnny rockets there and i played "build me up buttercup" on the jukebox. it was really nice, we sang along and had root beer floats.

the next day we flew back. and on a plane at 8 p.m. on new year's eve, at a cruising altitude of 35,000 feet, i saw fireworks all over the world below me. everybody was celebrating in their own little town, and i was celebrating with them. when i got home that night, i was in no state to drink sparkling cider and toast to anything... i stayed up with ellen watching television and went to bed at a quarter past midnight. it was the least exciting time i had ever had ringing in the new year, but it seems fitting almost, because the trip to dc is something that i will not soon forget, if i ever do at all.