this morning i woke up and put my watch on upside-down. and i thought to myself, i hope this isn't the theme of the day.

lately i feel like i'm using my time to run errands... drop things off, buy practical things like cleaning supplies and a t-shirt for a project. and i'm making plans to meet friends, for laundry or movies or just general playtime. it's weird... for some reason i haven't felt this adult before. but the stuff i'm doing is so juvenile! ranching monsters, swimming in the fountain, saving fish... it's surreal to feel so mature and so immature simultaneously.

sometimes i just don't know.

whoa doggy!
well, it's been a while. some updates on my life, you say? well, alright...

1.) i went on a spring break campaign. found out that delta stands for doesn't ever leave the airport. and now more than ever i believe that flying is like being on a big amusement park ride where you are invariably seated next to an obese bearded man. good times! i made 16 great friends, though... and it blessed my life in so so so many ways.

2.) still dating robin. that's going well. it's like a fun amusement park ride where i'm not seated next to an obese bearded man. and i could make it a stupid rollar coaster analogy where sometimes it's up and sometimes it's down, but that's stupid. and i'm not stupid, mostly. or at least not THAT stupid. and its mostly up, obviously. because we're still together... and i've never stuck with it before. that's something, i think. we're going to visit my parents next weekend, too. it's going to be crazygonuts!

3.) everything is pretty much squared away for me going to greece... i'm signed up for seventeen hours, but we'll see how that goes. i'm going to have a hot little bod when i get back. or at least, a hot bod... well, i'll have a bod. and katie and i are skipping free travel, which turns out to be ideal because i need to come back to harding and take the intermediate french exam. i'm expecting greece to be like an amusement park ride where it costs thousands and thousands of dollars and i have to go to chapel everyday. yeah, i know, the simile is totally dead but i felt bad about leaving it out of the third one. forgive me.

things have been really really really fun for me lately... spending a lot of time with carrie and katie just being stupid, and i honestly love that. i want to be carefree for as long as i possibly can be. not unlike that pig thing and that little scrawny cat thing from that one movie. hakuna something? i really suck at comparisons today. this post is shaping up to be pretty bland.

why did they kill maude flanders? seriously, what is the deal with that? i know that it happened a long time ago, but the more i think about it the less it makes sense that a simpsons character died. also, i never got to see the episode where she died. and i think THAT is the real crime. and the wb has been playing re-runs of gilmore girls, which is also a crime... i want to know what happens after jess tells rory that he loves her. (listen to me. i'm twelve years old.)

oh yeah, that reminds me.

4.) i turned eighteen. and although i bought obscene amounts of japanese food in celebration, the real celebration hasn't taken place yet. oh no, it sure hasn't... more on that later, i hope.

i've been more or less obsessed with playing my playstation2 lately... not in a creepy unhealthy way, just in an i-bought-a-new-game kinda way. and it's an awesome game: monster rancher 2! TWO! i raise monsters and watch them get mercilessly beaten in tournaments against other monsters! my first and second monsters were abandoned after short hospital stays. and i'm not making that up. i need a monster who can take a blow to the head. none of this "wah i'm hurt, why aren't you feeding me?" business. i have no time for that, monster. you can just stay in the hospital. and you know what? i'm going to have kids someday! what a pleasant thought.

5.) i saved some fish from certain death, and plunged them to almost-certain death. i think that all in all i may have kept myself from a few moments in purgatory. just kidding. mostly.

bright eyes = awesome
rocket summer = awesome
the darkness = awesome
new antiflag = awesome
old antiflag = awesome too, duh
mewithoutyou = awesome

today i had to read song of songs aloud with the rest of my bible class. talk about uncomfortable. i know that i'm not the most mature person in the world and it's stupid, but i couldn't help but put my hand on katie's thigh during the particularly racy parts. it's so sad that people turned around to look at us in a sort of "i can't believe you're laughing at the word of God" sort of way... but c'mon, don't make me read aloud about breasts that resemble towers. it's just that simple. my teacher should have known.

and i will borrow this from jon:
FIN

well met well met, said an old true love
well met well met, said he
i just returned from the salt salt sea
and its all for the love of thee

so i guess this is what it feels like to be busy. i do not envy people who feel this way all the time; it's like i'm trapped by plans and obligations. no wonder i don't generally like to make plans until the last minute. i'm blessed with so much free time, and i usually only use it for my own pursuit of happiness. maybe i should spend more time thinking about other people.

come in come in, my own true love
and have a seat by me
its been three-fourths of a long long year
since together we have been

circumstances led to ellen being 25 minutes late meeting me to go to the nursing home, so i didn't get to go. that one the only thing today (besides gilmore girls, duh) that i had really chosen for myself and felt excited about doing, so i was sad that we were too late to really go and do anything since i needed to be somewhere in about 45 minutes. it's alright though, everything's worked out.

i can't come in and i can't sit down
for i've only a moment's time
they say you're married to a house carpenter
and your heart will never be mine

at 3:45, i went to a student lecture about submission. it was entitled "wives and submission" on the schedule, which carries quite a stigma for me, but the speaker spoke about finding an acceptable definition of the word "submission" and the perspective by which we ought to look at deference. i really appreciated the things she had to say... the difference between false submission and true submission... that submission shouldn't cause us to be pitied or cause us to resent the people we must submit to. and how we should rely on God to talk to the hearts of others. i have such a bias in my mind, a problem with thinking of Christian wives who want to honor their husbands as stupid. i'm trying to be more aware of reality. and i hate the part of myself that really looks down on others. i'm such a complete and total snob sometimes. i want to eradicate that. anyway, i understand more about the Biblical principle of submission now, i think, and i'm not quite as disgruntled.

i could've married the king's daughter fair
and she would've married me
but i have forsaken her crowns of gold
and it's all for the love of thee

i had been afraid to go to both of the student lectures that i attended, the submission one and one about being a political Christian. but i was delighted by both of them. how nice to have been proven wrong! the political Christian one was especially exciting for me, because the speaker did the opposite of what i was afraid he would do in nearly everything he said... encouraging Christians to see past party labels and vote for people instead of checking the boxes with "R" next to them, encouraging Christians to appreciate the separation of church and state instead of mourning it, encouraging people in general to vote at all.

now will you forsake your house carpenter
and come along with me
i'll take you where the grass grows green
on the banks of the deep blue sea

found out today that five iron frenzy is putting out another album - a live album from their last show. apparently it's supposed to make you feel like you were there when you listen to it. i'm excited about this, but it seems so final. i got to really sit down and listen to terror state today, which made me insanely happy. i don't think i would describe antiflag's music as overtly optimistic, but this album has a few songs that made me feel more than just bitter and disgusted. i guess that means that it's getting even better. that's how i felt about each of five iron frenzy's albums... they just got better and better, you could really see them developing, and their music becoming more dynamic and wonderful. it's all great music, but when you compare the two, something like "five iron frenzy 2: electric boogaloo" is better than "upbeats and beatdowns". i guess that's just my opinion, though.

then she picked up her darling little babe
and kisses she gave it three
saying stay right here you darling little babe
and keep your papa company

i was finished with rehearsal early and went to the cafeteria to see if robin would be there... i sat for a while, listened to antiflag, stared at the sun through the window. he didn't come, which is ok because he did not expect to see me there and it's not the end of the world when we can't see each other. then back to my room without eating anything.

they had not been on the ship two weeks
i'm sure it was not three
til his true love began to weep and to mourn
and she wept most bitterly

my whole body feels tired. mentally, emotionally, mostly physically. and i have stupid cramps. why oh why must my body prepare itself over and over again for a baby that i will not have? today i felt icky most of the time, and i kept being really hateful with my speech towards ellen. i'm not sure why it was. and when i'm that way, i notice it. i think in my head, "wow, i really shouldn't be talking to her like this." but that doesn't make me stop. it's like i'm watching myself and i have no control. it's... dumb. gosh, i have no vocabulary now either.

saying are you weeping for my silver and my gold?
saying are you weeping for my store?
or are you weeping for your house carpenter
whose face you'll never see no more?

i had to miss gilmore girls because of the all-campaign meeting tonight. then i came back to the room and saw the last 5 minutes... it was a re-run. then another re-run. apparently it was some sort of marathon. the last episode they showed was the one where rory and jess are on the bus together, and she says "you'll call me, right?" and he says "yes, i'll call you." then she gets off, and after she leaves he moves his bag, and its this gigantic bag with all of his things. and it turns out he's skipping town. leaving rory behind. his girlfriend. i should not care. but i care. and this is probably evidence that my hormones are really doing crazy things to me... once when i was beginning to experience my body's friendly reminder that nobody wanted to impregnate me, my mom's friend called and asked me to start the ham for dinner, since our families were going to be eating together. all she wanted me to do was defrost the ham. just defrost it. how hard could that have possibly been? but i wasn't half as domestic then as i am now, and i'm not very domestic now, so i ended up asking jeeves "how the hell do you defrost a freaking ham". he couldn't help me. and i cried and cried. just because i couldn't defrost the ham. sigh, what a wonderful thing, to be a female.

a curse a curse, to the sailor she cried
a curse a curse, she swore
you robbed me of my darling little babe
that i will never see no more

and now i am listening to simon & garfunkel. i totally grew up listening to this stuff... it's amazing to think about. i can remember singing "the boxer" and "america" and "i am a rock" when i was seven or eight. i would just put the cd in our old crappy stereo, and lay on the carpet on my back for hours, looking up at the ceiling and taking it in. that's probably contributed heavily to my strangeness. i always recall listening to my mom's trio album... it's emmylou harris, dolly parton, and linda ronstadt singing together. "telling me lies" and "wildflowers" and "the pain of loving you"... classic stuff. i can't wait until i have my own kids to feed music to. i will play them lynyrd skynyrd while they nap in their cribs...

they had not been on the ship three weeks
i'm sure it was not four
when there came a leak in the bottom of the ship
and sank them for to rise no more

"you can go... you're free… the sea's come and swallowed up everything. it's like the sea's been watching and it's come to save you."

voting is one of the few things where boycotting in protest clearly makes the problem worse rather than better. -jane auer

i've received several more complaints about not posting; i had no idea anybody cared that much. i must give the people what they want... =) it also doesn't hurt that i really should be reading about power politics for international relations. it's not difficult, or something i find boring (obviously), but my brain is so tired... and for no particular reason. maybe it was all the sleeping i did today. i really should quit that.

in politics, an organized minority is a political majority. -jesse jackson

things have been going unbelievably well for me lately. if i'm not outright happy constantly, i am certainly contented. much thanks to God for many things... the success of my campaign group's bonding and searcy appreciation day ventures, my small academic victories, my miraculous ability to sleep well, the closer friendships i've been developing, the fact that i am inexplicably dating a wonderful boy. every single blessing in my life is something i have received in spite of myself. i'm not putting myself down, really, as i am actually quite fond of myself in a normal healthy manner... but i am merely recognizing the reality that i have earned nothing and God has graciously given me a lot.

the sad duty of politics is to establish justice in a sinful word. -jimmy carter (jimmy carter is one of my heroes. adam is cringing.)

the weather outside right now is absolutely breathtaking. it's foggy and misty, like the whole campus has become a soap opera dream sequence. robin said it reminded him of a robert frost poem, which i found funny because we talked about robert frost in international relations today. about robert frost and postmodernism, actually. because whereas robert frost says that "stopping by the woods on a snowy evening" is about just that, a man stopping by the woods on a snowy evening, a postmodernist would say that the poem is about many things and cannot be given one specific meaning, and that not even robert frost understands what it is about. those crazy postmodernists. see, this is just like studying for international relations. i'm patting myself on the back. anyway, yes, fog. the world really does remind me of anime sometimes... (i guess it's more logical to say that anime reminds me of the world, but that's just not how i think of it.) katie and i were discussing this the other day. how the pattern the clouds are making in the sky or the way the birds are flying overhead, people don't notice those types of things generally. i don't notice those types of things generally. but anime seems to pick up on those special parts of life, and really focuses on beauty. i suppose it sounds like i am too highly esteeming a genre of film and television, but i really believe that it's almost spiritual to watch sometimes. not sacrilegiously spiritual, but it depicts the world with so much beauty. just that same way that walking through the foggy campus is spiritual. and no, i am not talking about pokemon. not dragon ball z. i'm talking about spirited away, voices of a distant star, or, my personal favorite, mimi o sumaseba, which i've heard translated as "whispers of the heart" or "if you listen closely". it's just incredible. makes me sigh. long dramatic sighs.

if you go to one demonstration and then go home, that's something, but the people in power can live with that. what they can't live with is sustained pressure that keeps building, organizations that keep doing things, people that keep learning lessons from the last time and doing it better the next time. -noam chomsky

i'm really not sure, still, why things are working out with robin. i guess that could be interpreted a number of ways, but what i really mean is that, looking back on my interest in him last year, it was all just logic. it seemed logical to be interested in a guy who had many of the same political ideals as me. logical to start dating somebody since i'm at harding. logical to sit on swings and go see movies. and though i am a huge fan of logic, things do not seem that way this semester. sure, it's logical for me to like him. but it's more than that now, and i'm really glad. it's not just something that appeals to my mind anymore, it appeals to my heart. i can't explain the difference except to say that this must be how things were supposed to turn out, because it's all very natural. i am pleased.

washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral. -paulo freire

this semester i have been able to spend more time with carrie. and laura. the girls i didn't really see myself becoming very close too, by virtue of them being female. it seems like the more people i meet in life, the more that i find that i am oftentimes incorrect in my assumptions about them. i am so so so thankful for the opportunity to have been proven wrong in thinking that girls aren't ever genuinely trustworthy or worthwhile. and really, they are wonderful people. we have so much fun in my suite, we can be serious or silly or girly or cranky and it's all fine. and spending time with carrie and katie has been a special treat for me lately... i feel so incredibly free and comfortable around them. i don't mind talking to them about important things, and i delight in listening to them talk about important things. i don't feel judged by them, i feel loved unconditionally. that is true friendship, another gift from God.

i realize that patriotism is not enough. i must have no hatred or bitterness towards anyone. -edith cavell

i am listening to the civil war soundtrack as i type this out. and when i say the civil war, i mean the movie. not the actual war. the actual war doesn't have a soundtrack. have i lost you? ok. =) anyway, the last track is a letter from a soldier, sullivan ballou, to his wife sarah. i remember hearing it when we watched the movie in junior high, and thinking it was one of the most beautiful things i had ever heard at the time. and now, hearing it again, my opinion has not changed. here it is:

"dear sarah:

the indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. and lest i should not be able to write you again i feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when i am no more.

i have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which i am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. i know how american civilization now leans upon the triumph of the government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the revolution. and i am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this government, and to pay that debt.

sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but omnipotence can break; and yet my love of country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly with all those chains to the battlefield. the memory of all the blissful moments i have enjoyed with you come crowding over me, and i feel most deeply grateful to God and you, that i have enjoyed them for so long. and how hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes and future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and see our boys grown up to honorable manhood around us.

if i do not return, my dear sarah, never forget how much i loved you, nor that when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name...

forgive my many faults, and the many pains i have caused you. how thoughtless, how foolish i have sometimes been!...

but, o sarah, if the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they love, i shall always be with you, in the brightest day and in the darkest night... always, always. and when the soft breeze fans your cheek, it shall be my breath, or the cool air your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

sarah do not mourn me dead; think i am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet again..." [sullivan ballou was killed a week later at the first battle of bull run.]

that's real. two real lives, a real love, and a real loss. it's so much more than just words. maybe i'm thinking about it too much, but i really believe that sullivan was right, and that they did meet again. it's pointless to try and really describe how that affects me. maybe it's just irrational sentimentality, but i think it's beyond description.