spontaneous aim poll.

what is the most beautiful thing about the world?
-nature and its majesty
-nature
-nature
-thunderstorms
-life
-sunrises/sunsets
-kissing the girl
-the ability to express yourself
-an exciting concert in a slam circle with friends
-the feeling where everything just seems right
-a smile
-God

oh boy, do i hate being busy.

end of the year projects aren't really all that bad for me. my western civ project is about one quarter completed and will take MAYBE an hour... saving that one for monday night. the big bible presentation... i'm done with my part of that, and the presentation is on wednesday, but our group has to meet TONIGHT to work on our powerpoint presentation... no big deal i guess, except it cuts down on carrie time. i keep having to not do things with her because of school and it's really starting to get annoying. anyway, so the bible presentation will be generally behind me after this evening.

so all that is left is to study for finals.

speaking of tests, i made a 79 on that surprise western civ test. i was a little disappointed, since it's going to lower my test average, but considering i didn't learn the material i did pretty well. i even pat myself on the back after i calculated my score.

anyway, the big motivation for me to finish all of my projects (relatively) early is that this weekend i am going to joplin. i am looking forward to this so much! i wish we could leave right now. i get to bond with katie, carrie, adam, jared, tylor, and kevin. and on top of that, i get to visit katie's family and jon. it's going to be a big pot of fun, and a great release from my troubles and tensions of late. just getting out of searcy is going to be a thrill, really.

woohoo.

my mind was challenged a lot today.

in international relations, we watched a humorous short film (about 13 minutes) with a serious message - it was from brazil and offered a commentary on capital accumulation... it told the story of a tomato farm and a woman who sold perfume. the woman exchanged the money people exchanged for perfume with tomatoes from the supermarket... she takes them home to make a sauce for dinner, throwing one away when she decides that it's unfit for her family's consumption. so the discarded tomato goes to a dump in a place called the island of flowers (not aptly named, but that is the real name)... pig farmers go through the food in the dump to see what they can salvage to feed their pigs with, and when they are finished with the garbage, they let really really really poor people sift through the trash for food to feed themselves... so these people, because they do not have money, have nothing to do but stand in line behind livestock to eat the food that is unfit for swine. the only difference between these people and me is that my family is wealthy. it's very eye-opening. i realize that it's propaganda and everything, and we shouldn't allow ourselves to be overcome with emotions incited by propaganda, but the message is important - the world has a problem with the distribution of wealth and, consequently, the distribution of the things that fulfill basic human needs. i would really love to live my life working towards the solution to that problem. i really really would. i don't want to be a person who just goes "hmm, interesting" and doesn't give it a second thought. maybe i could join the peace corps, or work for the un. that would be really fun. i have to graduate college, though. there's always that. =) i really think that one person can make a difference, even if it's only a tiny one. i want to be one of those people.

ok, enough of karyn "self-motivational speaker" kiser.

christopher walken is awesome. there's just no two ways about it. if i were the kind of girl who went for older men, i would totally be all over christopher walken. him and steve martin. i'm sorry, but steve martin is hot too. you just can't stop the course of true love. (if anybody needs evidence that i'm a normal girl, i think that edward norton is hot too. because he speaks japanese. but still, hot.)

oh wait, back to important things. today in bible class we discussed the chapter in one of our textbooks (one of the 2, the second one being - surprise - the bible) that outlined the harmonizing of the old and new testaments. it said that some people's general concept of the old testament is that it contains a God of wrath who only loves one nation and whose favor depends on the physical act of sacrifice. i was surprised to really enjoy this chapter, since i hated the others; i suppose it's my favorite by virtue of the fact that i didn't despise reading it. anyway, the best sentence in the whole chapter is this: "as a matter of fact, God's wrath is a manifestation of His love." i have never thought about that in my entire life. it was so strange to receive a revelation from a book i have spent the entire semester loathing.

life's like that, i guess. do you know what life is NOT like? full house. oh my stars. dj's first boyfriend broke up with her because she wasn't as pretty as some other girl. stupid stupid television.

oh, bright eyes... i love you.

good golly, i am sneezing like it brings in cash prizes... i definitely didn't feel this sick yesterday and i can only hope it's very mild. i'd really like to go to joplin this weekend.

i made my sister (in england) a cd today and sent it to her in the mail. i absolutely cannot wait for her to receive it... we had said around christmastime that we would make cd's of our favorite songs for each other... so mine has bright eyes, anti-flag, the new amsterdams, jet, rocket summer, the darkness, saves the day, seven nations, mitch and mickey, taking back sunday, outkast, matchbook romance, weezer, and mewithoutyou. (she's already heard gobs of five iron frenzy and brave saint saturn.) i had to include outkast because it's the song i dance around to, and that's our little thing... we get funny dance music and shake our stuff in the living room whenever we're together. usually it's the full monty soundtrack. and hey - don't knock it until you've tried it - that is some great stuff. also, i included a little bit of folk music and instrumental stuff so that she wouldn't be burnt out on scary rock music and smooth indie rock... i want to ease her into it. baby steps. but as i was masterfully sculpting the playlist, i thought about every song and whether or not she would like it... and i thought about how sad i will be if she doesn't like most of the cd. it's funny how sad people get when other people dislike their music. i know that she likes anti-flag's message, which is glorious. so it will never be completely awful. here's hoping.

i was ready early enough to wear make up today... what is happening to me?! this might be the apocalypse.

which brings me to my next thought... today while i was mailing some things, i caught a glimpse of a lovely political statement being made by the nice lady who works at the post office in the student center... now i'm a big fan of opinions, and i'm a big fan of sharing opinions... but should a sticker endorsing a certain candidate be put on display at a person's workplace in plain view in a busy part of a college campus? and i know what you may be thinking... "oh, i'll bet it was a dubya sticker. that's why she's upset." well, it was a dubya sticker. a capital W with '04 after it. but even if it said john kerry or ralph nader or freakin' ross perot, it would still arouse a little concern in my mind. i just don't think that the sc mail center is a proper forum for that type of thing. admittedly, i have a john kerry sticker in my window and on my car, but a car if very different and my window is part of my home. it just rubbed me the wrong way. i'm starting to not care about things like that though... not apathy, but a healthy flavor of not-caring... maybe it would be more accurate for me to say that i don't feel like bursting into flames when i see things like that. it just makes me cock my head to the side like a confused puppy and say "arf?" with rising intonation. and don't pretend you don't know the face i'm talking about... the dog face.

shower time! since i began with something beautiful, i'll end with something beautiful.

the picture has nothing to do with the thought, but i had to include it. it's... glorious. plus, another dandelions picture might be too much. =)

of all of the things i could take pleasure in seeing, dandelions are a good choice. they are everywhere. all over. and everytime i see one, i get to be reminded of God's love and i feel renewed.

i've pretty much decided that it's darned near impossible to be a dreamer. and i want so badly to be a dreamer. i don't mean that i wan't to be a tortured soul or anything... i just want to feel excited when i look up at the sky. it's hard to not feel weighed down. somebody in my bible class last semester described gravity as "just bringing us down all the time"... that is one of my happiest memories in a class since i came to college. i just don't want to feel like i'm in a hot air balloon that could go so much higher but there are things attached to me that bring me down. i want to be up so high that i can feel the clouds. i'm so young - i don't want to give anything up. i'd like to have my fun and to believe that everything will be perfect.

i want a job where i can get paid to live... paid to just live and realize things all day. to think about the universe and my own little life and be so glad that i have this tiny claim.

the class that i nearly graduated with just had their senior prom. i don't really regret never going to prom, since i had a lot of fun at the human rights film festival with charles and philip and i know that everything worked out better with me graduating early. so it's not regret that i feel, more like a little prick of sadness that i had to throw away things like prom when i decided to leave high school. it's sick in a way, but i really wanted to go dress shopping and get my hair done and make myself up... i don't remember a time when i've gotten my hair done for anything. i wore a dress to the marine corps ball with my dad a while back, but it wasn't the same as having a prom dress. there are so many things. no pictures, no awkward date, no slow dance, no goodnight kiss.

i don't need any of those things. i don't really need anything that i ache over not having. i do know that.

a few minutes ago i pinpointed what might be my biggest problem with life. obviously it's senseless to reduce life down to a few problems, but i really think that there's a pattern emerging for me where distance is the issue most affecting my human relationships. and no, not just dating relationship. that's stupid because i haven't had an overwhelming number of those. i mean all of them.

but i'm not what you want

so what exactly do i mean by distance... maybe it is moving away, maybe it is emotional psychological distance, maybe it is living a few hours away, maybe it is distance in maturity or desires or standards. i just don't seem to be on the exact page with anybody... there are a few exceptions... most notably (and recently) my roommate.

no, i'm not anyone

obviously i don't think i'm better than anybody, really. i am just in a different place than other people... and i don't presume to think i'm the only one who feels this way. but therein lies the rub... even if a million people feel the same way about distance, maybe that's the only thing they have in common. maybe that's the only way they are in the same place.

but if you needed me

it's really alright, i'm really truly fine. but every once in a while you meet somebody and you want so so so badly for them to be the person who is right there with you. also, i can't really say everything i feel anymore to just anybody. for a while there, i really wasn't afraid and could be pretty bold. but i find myself now in the exact same place i was escaping from months ago. and nobody might know that i'm talking about them, and maybe people i'm not talking about would think i'm pining for them, and people who don't know me very well and never read this won't even get a chance to be wrong.

then i could be someone

i think that's really important to have that - a chance to be wrong.
my parents are coming today and so this melancholy pensive garbage will leave.

first of all, the blunt truth game is stupid. whoever says they want to know what their friends really think of them is wrong. there's a reason why we have internal monologues. because everybody has their moments and you just don't want to know. whew, just a thought.

the rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed.
there was a loophole in my dreaming, so i got out of it.
and to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open.
just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been.

tomorrow in french class we begin reading le petit prince, which is going to be awesome beyond reason. my sister katie got the book for me in english on my 11th birthday, and it's been one of my very favorite books since that day. being able to read it in a different language will be fantastic... like the culmination of all the french i've learned. like maybe THIS is the reason i'm learning it. that, and it rocks.

sometimes i wonder if people look at me and think "wow, she really IS younger than us." mostly lately.

so i dressed myself and left then, out into the gray streets.
but everything seemed different and completely new to me.
the sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body.
and each person i encountered, i couldn't wait to meet.

today i took the initiative to attend my western civilization class... i thought i was doing quite well, since it was the first time in a week i had gone. (i had legitimate medical excuses, just so you know. i was writhing in excruciating pain. so there.) and everybody else had a red pen, and looks pensive. and i lean over to hannah and say "um, do we have a test or something?"

"you didn't know?" hannah asked, forever the innocent and sweet one. i really do love her.

"no," i replied, eyes wide and unseeing. eventually, my teacher came over to my desk and suggested that i take a walk, get a drink of water, find my center, and then return to take the test. the test that covered some material i had not even learned yet.

it sounds a lot worse than it was, really. i probably made a c. but i had an a in the class before, and if this is the difference i'll be really disappointed in myself. i'm doing extra credit though, and i had extraordinarily nice grades in there otherwise. so i'm not a total failure, right? right?!

i came up a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.
i said "there is nothing i can do for you you can't do for yourself."
he said "oh yes you can. just hold my hand. i think that would help."
so I sat with him a while and then i asked him how he felt.
he said, "i think i'm cured. no, in fact, i'm sure of it.
thank you stranger, for your therapeutic smile."

it's amazing how many wonderful bands there are out there that people don't know about... so much out there that would really appeal to people, and maybe change their lives if they could only have the chance to listen. i wonder sometimes what things would be like for me if michael smith hadn't ever lent me his five iron frenzy album. or if charles and philip hadn't opened my eyes to the beauty of anti-flag. and katie, and all of the music she's given me. music is a present that people can keep for their whole lives, and for the rest of time they will associate you with what you gave them. it's like programming them to think of you years from now.

so that is how i learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
and your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
but when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
it is best to compose a poem, an honest longing or simple song of hope.
that is why i'm singing...

i might be really selfish. i think it's possible. lately i feel like i'm living my life so that i can do things for other people in spite of what would make me happy or be my livelihood. of course, now that i'm sitting and thinking about it, isn't that how life is supposed to be? but it's not supposed to be a struggle, necessarily, or make you miserable. but if i'm not feeling so hot about things, is that a problem inside me or outside of me? i wish i didn't think about things so much. but life wouldn't be as fulfilling if i didn't. of course, i wouldn't realize that because i would never think about it.

baby don't worry 'cause now i got your back.
and every time you feel like crying,
i'm gonna try and make you laugh.
and if i can't, if it just hurts too bad,
then we will wait for it to pass
and i will keep you company
through those days so long and black.
and we'll just keep working on the problem
we know we'll never solve
of love's uneven remainder.
our lives are fractions of a whole.

i'm in a very strange mood... i'd like to grab a random person and tell them that i love them. i suppose there are worse things than that. =) my parents are coming tomorrow, and i'm SO excited! and we got good news today about my dad. after some physical therapy, things are going to be a little better, pain-wise. it was overwhelming, because prayers i never thought could be answered that way were completely answered that way. i remember the day that we found out he had muscular dystrophy in the first place. i was in third grade, and i remember writing about it in my daily journal and my teacher having a sad look on her face, but i didn't really understand why at the time. it was just a fact and i never had to think about it or really notice. and now that i'm older it's really different. but like i said, it can be better.

but if the world could remain in a frame like a painting on a wall.
then i think we would see the beauty.
then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.

i got to fly kites with ellen in berryhill with ellen. the fact that i typed "with ellen" twice is so funny that i have to leave it there. my apologies.

when you really think about the idea of taking photographs, it's really amazing. the idea that we can immortalize memories that way, have a physical image of a memory... i guess i'm a loser, but it's completely breathtaking.

i need to give a shout-out to my homegirl ellen. and my home-first-husband eddie farah.

everybody needs to look up "sexy" on google images. tell me what you see. if it's not a monkey, then open your eyes.

today katie and i went to berryhill park to get some homework done.. it turned to be too windy to do much of anything. but i ran into ellen and josh flying a kite. and so i got to fly a kite for a few minutes before it totally bit it and the string got knotted beyond recognition.

i want to get a kite. i felt like a child, and i really liked it.

does it make sense to ever say "i need God now more than ever"? i'm not sure if it does, because i'm not sure if we can quantify how much we need God, but if it ever makes sense then i think right now would be when i would say it.

this is not meant to be as morbid as it will probably end up sounding. you've been warned.

i don't think that dying would be all that bad. obviously i would never kill myself or contribute to the increase of the probability of my own death by not wearing a seatbelt or something, but sometimes i think it would be nice if i got his by a meteor or i got into a bad car crash or something. but i know that people would miss me. and that there are a handful of people who really would have a hard time living without me, just like there are a handful of people that i would have a hard time living without.

i hate it when people post song lyrics. so i become what i hate.

so far so good
or so they say
from mission control
the deep of space
is no place for
a fragile human soul
the rockets burn
and servos click and turn
and fall into place
robots can't die
don't laugh
can't cry
in the darkness of space
she is strong
made of steel
with the graphite lining
watch her eyes flicker slow
like the batteries are dying
space robot 5
is she alive?
so very alone
so far from home

i was so close to not leaving my room tonight because i'm feeling like i'm going to start my period any moment (dear boys who can't stand it when girls mention periods: you'd better get over that because someday you might marry a real-live girl who really bleeds from one of your favorite parts of her body.), and for some reason i left anyway. i think it was more to appease the people around me than for my own enjoyment. so tylor has us watch "harold and maude". i'm so glad that i watched that movie... it reminds me of how beautiful things are sometimes. i can't wait to show my sisters the movie.

"you know, at one time, i used to break into pet shops to liberate the canaries. but i decided that was an idea way before its time. zoos are full, prisons are overflowing... oh my, how the world still dearly loves a cage."

i must someday own this.

today i started some homework - shocking, i know. and i actually read the assigned reading for Bible... for the first time since about deuteronomy. oh, i read here and there for summarizing... and i read the whole of the shorter books, like ecclesiastes and song of songs and ruth. i just felt like i was doing something right. i like that feeling, generally.

washed my car. it's mostly sparkling... i say "mostly" because as soon as i parked and deposited my quarters this dude parked behind me and waited for me. umm... what is a girl supposed to do when somebody parks behind her at the carwash? how can that possibly allow her to effectively wash her car? somebody should really ought to tell them.

i've got this wonderful international relations test tomorrow over 2 chapters - one of which i read last night. and the other chapter i was definitely hoping to have read by now... all of my hopes of studying before the evening were shattered by my receiving a package from my beloved barnes & noble in the mail... 2 books and a cd. "letting off the happiness" by bright eyes, mitchell is moving by marjorie weinman sharmat (a book from my childhood that i love passionately), and said the shotgun to the head by saul williams (a really great contemporary poet, really thought-provoking stuff, generally speaking). i'm excited to become familiar (or refamiliarize myself, as the case may be) with my purchases.

i was in a bit of a sour mood after bible class, by no fault of the teacher (who resembles rodney dangerfield, we decided. it's all about the eyes. and that bad hawaiian-looking shirt that i simply adore...), and decided that i really needed to do something totally self-indulgent and cathartic. which means, um, you know. shopping. so there i was, in goody's with katie, looking at skirts and shoes. i bought a pair of socks, a pair of jeans (!), and an awesome skirt for katie. now i feel much better.

in other news, my computer is all happy again. i did that hip-hoppin' defragmenting crunk, and adam helped take it apart and put the new cd/dvd drive back. needless to say, karyn is one satisfied gateway customer. i wish i had gotten jeremy's last name, because he deserves a christmas card. or some glossy pictures. (just kidding.) anyway, this new drive is great because i can listen to my bright eyes cd. much rejoicing.

everything is alright.

a lot has happened, and i would rather not blog the details.

so i've been walking around looking like i've been hit by a truck, and all i really want to do is stay in my room and maybe sleep. yeah, i pretty much just want to sleep. i would like to leave and be with God now. (that's not a cry for help, just a statement to describe my feelings.) but instead of sleeping, i have many things to do.

1. develop/practice my speech on albert einstein, which is coming along considering its nearly 4:30
2. clean my room totally and completely for some special we-want-your-closet-tracks-clean good housekeeping
3. get enough done to have free time to watch the gilmore girls with carrie at 7

i wish that there were a day between tuesday and wednesday where i could just sleep.

and the pain of the world is a burden
and it's my cross to bear
and when i stumble under all the weight
i know You're simon standing there
i know You're standing there

so give me Your hand to hold
'cause i can't love alone
and love alone is not enough to hold us up
so swing Your robe down low
swing Your robe down low

certainly an interesting day. wept bitterly at the loss of my purse, called my parents, apologized profusely, worried and worried, and then wept joyously at its return. and i still made my 3:00 study date with katie and scott. not that i learned much, since i was so distracted by the events of the early afternoon. it's amazing how God answers our prayers, even when we say the f word fifty times.

i am so excited - so incredibly excited - to be going home. i think i've said that in the last three or so posts. but it just becomes more and more true every time i think about hugging my parents and petting my cats.

gateway is so totally sending me a new drive, 'cause mine is shot. my new best friend jeremy told me (after me being on hold for twenty minutes - which is nothing compared to the fully-functioning-computer bliss i will soon experience) that i don't have to send my notebook in and they can just ship me the drive in THREE BUSINESS DAYS. doesn't that just make you hot all over? psh, whatev. jeremy's blue-flame hot. and he said his "out"s like a canadian. mmmm. [note: karyn thinks that robin is white-flame hot. which is... hotter, by my calculations.]

happy day, happy day.

instead of going to dinner in the cafeteria, i stayed in tonight and ordered pizza with carrie so we could watch lost in translation. the movie's good so far. bill murray just slaughtered "more than this" by 10,000 maniacs. good times!

i cannot cannot cannot wait to see my parents this weekend. and sixteen hours in a car with robin shouldn't be too awful either. =) generally, being in a car with robin is a good thing. and i want to show him everything in my house, every single memory i have, all of my books, all of my pictures, my preschool journal with saddam hussein's portrait, my cats, some anime... my whole life is wrapped up in my parents, too, so just spending time with all three of them will be showing robin so much about me.

katie and i got rid of a lot of our clothes today... she took about 7 of my shirts, and i took one of hers, and we're giving the rest to goodwill... except ellen took some miniskirts of mine, and i gave laura and carrie each a shirt. really, half of my clothes are gone now. and do you know what's truly sad? i was excited because it frees up some space for me to justify shopping. i really want to shop... maybe i am just one of those girls who spends her daddy's money on things she doesn't need.

continuing on the theme of being a stupid girl, i want to look pretty tomorrow. also, i need to get rid of the dead bloody tire in the back of my car. need to load everything up... so much.

a few days ago, karyn walked through the cafeteria with her boyfriend.

boyfriend: do you think it's going to rain today?
karyn: we are one of those boring couples, aren't we?

sigh.

i've spent a lot of time in little rock recently... on thursday we saw "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" and i was so pleasantly surprised. i didn't assume it would be bad, or even mediocre, but it had so many people that i hadn't anticipated on seeing. like kirsten dunst and elijah wood. then early on saturday, we (carrie katie and myself) drove to andrew's apartment (that's right, harding. a single boy.) and kicked back with him until about 2... watched happy tree friends, run lola run, and some family guy. our pizza never came, but we ate like kings despite that (yeah... sonic). then sunday night i went back to see matchbook romance at vino's. which made me happy. very very happy.

i really like live music, obviously, but i don't think i would want to go to a show like that ever if i were not familiar with and liked the particular group. it's so sad... i don't really want to go to warped tour except to see anti-flag. i just... really only want to see anti-flag. am i boring? oh no. it's not robin, it's me. oh well.

my roommate doesn't wear matching socks very often. this is something that i like about her. also, she drives erratically but safely. it's like a rollarcoaster in the best possible way. and our shoes are just that - OUR shoes. i'm very happy.

i'm feel so super emo lately. reading-at-the-park emo. magnetic-poetry emo. c-span emo. (except instead of watching c-span and being interested, i examine the weathered faces of the old men who ramble on behind podiums. and i imagine ripping them out of my tv screen and covering them with googly-eyes and paint and somehow transforming them into an art project, something beautiful to express to the world the way i'm feeling. or at least to make the world tilt its head to the side and say "arf?") see what i mean? this could go either way... i hope i'm productive. but what am i doing right now? listening to magic man by heart and thinking about my father... not because he's a magic man or anything (eww - "come on home girl, he said with a smile... you don't have to love me a let's get high a while..." not my dad), but because he played the album for me first. and he played kansas for me, and lynyrd skynyrd, and zz top and the grateful dead. he's given me so much, and that's just music.

i cannot wait to see my parents again. am i sick for feeling this way? missing them so much every moment we're apart? i know it's not typical for a college student. and until this very moment (that's right, you're witnessing history) i didn't realize that i'm not going to see my parents while i'm in greece. whoa.

whoa.

i've never been away from them for that long. wow.

i'm reading a new book. short stories.

************************************

"It was just a little weird is all," I told her. "She wasn't making large amounts of sense."

My mother stood again. The conversation was about to officially over. "Don't fall into the trap, my dear, of saying that something doesn't make sense just because you don't understand it." Then she left the kitchen.

************************************

People leap off buildings. They jump off subway platforms, off bridges, into the Hudson River. But they don't leap under the delusion that anybody's going to be there to catch them. In this city, nobody'd even clean up the mess on the sidewalk. Drew thinks he knows what Maud must feel like. It's as if she's walking along the street. Suddenly, from high above, somebody is calling to her. Such an embarrassing lack of suicidal decorum: this guy standing on a window ledge shouting, "Hey you! You down there! You with the mushrooms!... The blonde! Yes, you with the beautifully crooked nose! You! I'm going to jump, and I want you to catch me. No one else. Just you. You're the... one, two, three, ready or not here I come..." And she could just keep walking, look away, pretend she hasn't heard, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were speaking to me. Continue along her way through the city of strangers.

Or she could stand out there on the sidewalk and open her arms.

i've decided to skip speech class, because i would like to end the week with some of my happiness and will to live still intact... and what am i doing instead? watching the hallmark network. or, more specifically, little house on the prairie. don't get me wrong - i'm not a regular viewer... but i was flipping channels and just happened to stumble upon the episode where a boy falls in love with laura. and she's in love with him, too. they're about to run into each other at a church social. ever since i can remember i've loved stupid stuff like this, cutesy episodes of ANY show, as long as there's two people who have a romantic fondness for each other. so i'm wondering whether or not i'll ever grow out of this. will i always be willing to skip a class to sit and watch, eyes wide and mouth half-open, a get-together story? i can't believe i'm eighteen. "since we're both here [at this church formal], maybe i could be your escort?" and he bought her a handkerchief. because it's her sixteenth birthday. sigh. oh my gosh, they're leaning into it, leaning into it... oh man laura ingalls just kissed somebody!

some of us drove to little rock today and saw a wonderful movie... eternal sunshine of the spotless mind with jim carrey and kate winslet... see, they're on this ship and then he sketches her naked and the ship sinks. no, i'm sorry, that's titanic. actually, it's a really great film about how precious memories are. very very well done. i was so impressed with the acting of everybody in the movie. jim carrey didn't act like a complete and total idiot (a welcome change).

i've decided that it's good to branch out and meet new people, hang out with new people, stretch the group dynamic a little bit. regardless, it's good to try. same with music. same with a lot of things. except drugs, children. it's bad to try new drugs. anyway, i've always known that this was a constructive thing to do, but i've never REALLY done it that often. but of course, who am i friends with but people i've creepily approached? boy howdy! i tell you what!

the idea of having plans for the future... real feasible plans... it's terrifying and liberating and glorious and freaky deaky all at the same time... i haven't settled on one emotion. i wonder if people are generally ever able to settle on one emotion.

the idea that i've actually chosen somebody to attach myself to, and he has chosen to attach himself to me... that when i sit in my car and think about things, there is another person physically there. and we talk, my goodness do we talk. i can't even believe it. it's been a month and a half, and i still can't believe that this boy is my boyfriend. i've decided that's a good thing.

goodnight moon, goodnight jim carrey, goodnight blog.