saturday, may 29, 2004... 9:25 pm... karyn goes against everything she has ever preached regarding dressing for comfort and purchases an uncomfortable pair of shoes that is just slightly too small for her just because she thinks they're cute. but boy, are they cute! whoa doggy! kinda like mary janes. i'm ashamed of myself, but i can't wait to wear them to church.

life used to be life-like
now it's more like showbiz
i wake up in the night
and i don't know where the bathroom is
and i don't know what town i'm in
or what sky i am under
and i wake up in the darkness and i
don't have the will anymore to wonder

today was a fun day, considering i didn't really accomplish much. well, with the exception of sacrificing comfort on the altar of fashion, i didn't accomplish much.

everyone has a skeleton
and a closet to keep it in
and you're mine
every song has a you
a you that the singer sings to
and you're it this time
baby, you're it this time

i spent the morning at walmart looking around the greeting card aisle. it's not that i was even really looking for a card in particular, i just love the greeting card aisle. and, c'mon, there's always SOMEBODY who could use a card. speaking of which, ellen's birthday is june fifth. so is tylor's, actually. both will be twenty. i will be the only remaining teenager in my family... yikes. when we were really young, my sisters and i would mention once in a while that when katie was thirty, i would be twenty-two, etc... and it's actually coming. it's kinda like when you're in elementary school and you calculate the year you'll graduate. 2004. it never seems like it's going to come, but here it is. of course, i threw myself for a loop there by graduating in 2003. really, though, it boggles the mind. my friends from junior high have all just graduated... while i was in arkansas, they were filling out applications to various schools in florida. but what was i talking about? greeting cards? wow, looseness of association. amazing.

when i need to wipe my face
i use the back of my hand
and i like to take up space
just because i can
and i use my dress
to wipe up my drink
you know, i care less and less
what people think

so i had chic-fil-a for lunch since i've been craving it so fiercely... i think that's one of the things i miss about living on campus. you just swipe a little card and they feed you. and it doesn't feel like real money at all, since you never get to handle it. no point in saving it. i guess i just miss my standard greek salad snack or iced tea and chicken biscuit breakfast. there is one constant in my dietary life: ramen. how sad. =)

and you are so lame
you always disappoint me
it's kind of like our running joke
but it's really not funny
and i just want you to live up to
the image of you i create
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied
i see you and i dilate

so i bought a ticket for an afternoon showing of shrek 2, then went shoooooe shopping. i do spend money a lot, but clothes shopping is something that i honestly rarely indulge in... i guess i might not come off as one of those girls who really loves to shop, but i definitely am. i like shopping alone, though... i don't like to bore anybody, and i can go at my own pace without having to consider anybody else. pretty selfish, actually. i think it's the same with seeing movies by myself... i don't have to deal with other opinions about movie choice, time, etc. i just go, buy my ticket, sit down, and leave as soon as it's over. maybe it's antisocial of me, but it works. and it's a good thing that it works, too, since i'm by myself here.

so i'll walk the plank
yeah i'll jump with a smile
if i'm gonna go down
i'm gonna do it with style
and you won't see me surrender
you won't hear me confess
'cause you've left me with nothing
but i've worked with less

in the parking lot of the movie theater, i was reading a magazine in my car for a few minutes before the movie started. this big church of christ van parks next to me, and some teenagers pile out. one guy stops behind my car and stares at the back for a while. then he says, loudly, "oh my gosh! we have to find this person and talk to them! john kerry?!"... and so i honked my horn, as if to say "golly gee, you found me, want to talk?"... it made me feel awful to have somebody gawk at my car like that. so i got out and took the sticker off. and i got to thinking, is this how i make people feel about their bush stickers? i'm probably just blind to my own sin on this one, but i REALLY don't think that i make people feel that way. i don't want to ever be like that. i don't want to make anybody cry. honestly, though, why is it only ok for people to have republican political statements on their cars? for every way that i am different from the people around me, i have never gotten more crap in my life about anything than i do about being a liberal. and it's puzzling, because i know i'm not the only one. i mean, in 2000 the vote was split right down the center. i know that not everybody disagrees with me. so how do i manage to find the mean ones? how come those are the people i encounter? i hate it that i let people make me feel stupid and worthless; i hate it that i care. but i don't want to become the kind of person who doesn't let anybody get to them... i want people to get to me. friends get to you in good ways.

and i learn every room long enough
to make it to the door
and then i hear it click shut behind me
and every key works differently
i forget every time
and forgetting defines me
yes that's what defines me

and i seriously doubt i'm actually a democrat... i'm pretty sure i'm an independent. i just want to vote in primaries. i just want to vote... in primaries... gosh. gosh gosh gosh, i need to stop caring.

when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cause words like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered

anyway, the movie was fun. i liked just sitting and being entertained for a while. but sorry, katie, you were wrong about one thing - shrek was NOT hot. he may have been less green, but he was not hot. ick. the fairy godmother was jennifer saunders - the chick from absolutely fabulous, which was awesome because i haven't seen that show in far too long. she's amazing. yes, it was good times.

and i wake up in the night
in some big hotel bed
and my hands grope for the light
and my hands grope for my head
the world is my oyster
the road is my home
and i know that i'm better
i'm better
i'm better off
alone

so for now i will sit with my cat and my remote control. i will bask in the glow of the television. i will have my saturday night.

summer karyn is 100x hotter than college karyn. summer karyn wears all of high school karyn's clothes that college karyn isn't allowed to wear. summer karyn gets checked out and looks like a babe. i love summer karyn. college karyn is homely now. high school karyn was only sort of attractive to begin with. summer karyn is the way to go.

i met a few people at church, and i will not sleep until they are my friends. ok, so really there are only two people i met. one is definitely named kyle, and the other is either matt or mike. i guess i should probably learn his name before i pursue some sort of friendship. i could just call him "mi..att..." and see where that gets me.

there's a punk/indie show tomorrow that i might go to. we'll have to wait and see. i'm not sure how brave i can be in that kind of environment. it's so easy to be brave at church. i'm relatively shirt that kyle and miatt won't spit venom at me, but you never know with these rock kids. it could end up being just like those frilled neck lizard dinosaurs in jurassic park. don't pretend you don't remember. the fat guy got nailed by them.

this has been the mose inane post ever. bless you for reading it. or skimming to the bottom, at least.

man he is so great. why don't people live near me? aim is dumb.

i spent almost the entire day out of the house. (i watch the western sky) it felt really good to be a part of society again, and i certainly don't miss being sick. (the sun is sinking) i woke up at 7 this morning with what could only be described as a butt-raping headache. (the geese are flying south) of course, this was just because i had forgotten to take my prozac again. (it sets me thinking) goody gum drops! so i properly medicated myself and slept again until 11:30. (i did not miss you much) then i got up, packed my father's car full of stuff for the salvation army, and took a shower. (i did not suffer)

mom and i hit the road at about 2, and ran errands for a while. (what did not kill me) it was really nice to just drive around with her, look around stores, really talk and interact. (just made me tougher) i had missed having that relationship with her. (i feel the winter come) obviously it's hard to maintain a shopping-partner relationship from 425 miles away. (his icy sinews) then, we stopped for lunch at firehouse subs. (now in the fire light) i have only been there a few times, the first of which was right after my sisters and mom and i got our matching tattoos. (the case continues) it brought me back to that, and made me miss my sisters. (another night in court) and the steak sandwich is nothing to sneeze at, either. (the same old trial)

afterward, mom and i spent quite a while in a.c. moore, which is a rockin' craft store. (the same old questions asked) i'm just a simple girl, and i love my craft stores. (the same denial) mom and i go up and down the aisles looking at everything, examining and commenting. (the shadows closely run) it's really fun to share that with her since we're the only two people in the family who derive pleasure from such places. (like jury members) i really do love looking at the rubber stamps especially, since mom (me too sometimes) uses them to make cards. (i look for answers in) she always makes our christmas cards, and just finished making all of ellen's wedding invitations. (the fire's embers) she's so terribly creative and motivated, i can only hope to be that way someday (motivated, that is). (what was i missing then) we finally called dad at home to see what he was up to, and discovered that we had to be at a dinner party in an hour. (that whole december) how sad to cut our time short in such a wonderful place. (i give my usual line:)

the dinner party was so much fun! (i don't remember) i wasn't extremely excited about it, to be honest, mainly because i wasn't expecting to see anybody my age there. (another winter comes) or even close to my age. (his icy fingers creep) and so i didn't end up seeing anybody my age, but i still managed to have a great time. (into these bones of mine) i think it's kinda funny how different prayers are at military functions than at civilian functions. (these memories never sleep) there's a lot of praying for our leadership, our country, our military. (and all these differences) those are certainly things in need of much prayer, and i guess i just tend to forget them in that aspect. (a cloak i borrow) i saw many familiar faces, as it was a dinner party for all of the people in my father's class. (we kept our distances) i was able to visit that class in the past, so many of them remembered me. (why should it follow i must have loved you) i was especially excited to talk to my dad's friend stan, as his son is a potential lifemate. (what is the force that binds the stars) stan and i actually ended up having a lot to talk about. (i wore this mask to hide my scars) the first thing he asked me was whether or not i was still studying political science, to which i gleefully replied that i was. (what is the power that pulls the tide) and i told him i had picked up a french minor as well. (i never could find a place to hide) he suggested that i join the state department and become a foreign services officer, which is basically a diplomat in an embassy. (what moves the earth around the sun) they move around like they're in the military, and language is usually a really big factor. (what could i do but run and run and run) french, stan told me, was the diplomatic language. (afraid to love, afraid to fail) i told him that i had actually been wanting to join the peace corps, although i thought that was pretty corny. (a mast without a sail) and no, i didn't just say that because his son is of greater-than-average attractiveness. (the moon's a fingernail and slowly sinking) i said it because it's true. (another day begins and now i'm thinking) i don't think i would feel like i was really living unless i did something like that. (that this indifference was my invention) the thing is, i don't know if i'll end up being brave enough to really try. (when everything i did sought your attention) maybe if i had somebody i knew to join with it would be easier. (you were my compass star) any takers? (you were my measure)

so i left the party pretty satisfied at having been able to hold my own against a house full of well-educated adults. (you were a pirate's map) or at least, they let me think that. (a buried treasure) that sure was sweet of them, wasn't it? (if this was all correct)

so it was a pretty pleasant day for me. (the last thing i'd expect) i think that when i can leave my house then i am happy. (the prosecution rests) i hope that everybody else is having a wonderful time as well, and that we can all gather some fun stories for when we're back together again. (it's time that i confessed: i must have loved you)

i know that lately my blogs have been this "woe is me" garbage, but i really have to unload now. i'm sorry. nobody has to read it, but i have to type it.

i've been asking God for a friend since i got here, and tonight for the first time this summer my friend chuck was online. chuck has known me since i was 7, we went to elementary school and junior high together, and he moved to alabama the same time i moved to guam. i haven't seen chuck since that move, but we've made tentative plans to hang out. he lives 2.5 hours away, but i am feeling so isolated that it doesn't seem very long to me. plus, he's south of me, and mentioned taking me to the beach... i was really excited. i AM really excited. we have a whole lot in common, we have a whole lot to talk about, and it's nice to have some sort of connection to my childhood.

then my parents got home, and i mentioned it to them triumphantly and mom's like "i don't know if i want you running off to the beach..." now i understand that my parents need more information etc etc, but i felt like one of those cartoon characters with the rain cloud over their head, and it was pouring down just on me.

i don't think they understand.

i don't think that they have realized that i drove eight hours by myself, eight hours in the opposite direction from my friends, the people i have spent the last several months of my life basically living with and one girl i LITERALLY lived with... and i came to this town, where i don't know anybody relatively close to my age, this town where i essentially only know them. i didn't really know what to expect about living alone with my parents again in a different environment, but they both seem to have really grown accustomed to not having any kids at home and have really developed their own routines. i am not a part of those routines, whether or not they realize it. i sit around the house like a statue, like a piece of art my parents collected in their travels. and after a few days of sitting alone, i become ill to the point that i don't have a voice to speak with. then they have to take a trip to college station, and i can't come because i'm sick, so they leave me alone for three days with no voice, with no web of friends, with no ability to drink anything but water or eat anything but ramen. i finally get my voice back for one evening, make a few phone calls, but you know it's really not the same as having company. it did make me feel better, and i really appreciate that, but it's not like having one on one human interaction. my parents don't understand what a breath of fresh air it is to have a friend in this state, and part of that is because i cannot communicate that to them. my voice is back down to a whisper, and it really hurts whenever i get spirited about something.

i have no idea if this is all just me being selfish and wanting more than i need, or more than i am deserving of right now. that could very well be the case. i don't know if this is my fault, or "just one of those things". but i do know that it feels like i'm drowning, and i really want somebody to save me.

Jesus Christ, Light of the World
You never did forget me
and when i bled in darkness,
You held me - still held me
when desperate nights i cursed You
You loved me - still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone
Your words are life
cut marrow through
the darkness to the bone
a heart of flesh You gave me
only You can save me

Savior
Daylight
i am coming home

maybe this is just idle curiosity, but is there anything hotter than judd nelson in the breakfast club?

no, no, don't speak--for some moments in life there are no words.

today i got a book and a bottle of water and headed out to this cultural park... it's a nice place; i've been there three or four times... when robin came home with me, i took him to museum of modern art there. so i was driving through this afternoon and there were families sitting out together, feeding geese, having picnics, biking around, and enjoying themselves. i didn't even end up getting out of the car, i just kept right on driving. and i just followed the windy road and made my way through the cultural park, past the museum and the shakespeare theater, and out onto the road i came from.

we are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.

i don't know why i couldn't just get out of the car and read my book. i guess i felt like i would be intruding on everybody else's sunday afternoon. maybe i was just bothered because if i went and sat out in the grass then i wouldn't have read, i would have sat and watched the people around me. and i probably would have just thought about how there was nobody there with me. that's not a fun way to be.

a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

it's a week until ellen comes back, but i know that she and mom will have a lot to do with the wedding and things, so i'm not counting on her being about to spend a lot of hang time with me. i just want to make one friend here... i think that's my goal for the summer. to take a shower every day, and to make a friend. i sound like a twelve year old... wow. "today, i'm going to make a friend!" but really, it's so hard here.

so shines a good deed in a weary world.

in military communities, it is so easy to make friends. people come and go constantly, and they don't have time to waste moping about it... they just have to get right to meeting the people around them; we're all in the same boat, so it's not so bad. but here, even with the air force base and everything, it's just not a military community. it amazes me how closed people are. i guess i'm not used to it yet, and that's ok.

give me another two days alone in my house, alone in this town, alone in this state, and this is what i will become.

today is a special day. because today i don't even look human anymore. i have the neck of hulk hogan, the eating habits of kate moss, and the overall attractiveness of a back-up dancer in thriller. i have not left my house since saturday afternoon, except for a small trip to the doctor whereupon i was thrown head-first into the wonderful world of epstein-barr virus and infectious mononucleosis and instructed not to play any "contact sports". well there goes my big summer plan, all of that field hockey training. idiot.

my parents are leaving tomorrow morning to go to college station, tx. dad is speaking at the a&m graduation, which is something i think i can remember him doing several times in the past. i was planning on accompanying them, but no.

oh, and guess what i started today! go on, guess. give up?
my freakin' period!

(and i think to myself, what a wonderful world...)

ummm... my dad told me that the incubation period for mono is 6 weeks. so.. i'm really ultra megatron sorry if any of you got it. like, really sorry. i don't remember being this sick before.

the gilmore girls season finale was on last night... i missed about 5 minutes of it in the middle whilst i puked, but the parts i did watch were phenomenal. i can't believe rory slept with dean. i mean, cmon rory, he's married! jess wasn't married... grumble grumble. luke and lorelei certainly redeemed the show at that point. it's about time they kissed.. a lot. made me dislike jason even more, if that were possible.

i rented this movie called "God is great and i am not"... it's french, starring audrey tautou, who played amelie. i need to stop making the mistake of thinking that everything she is in will be wonderful just because amelie is one of the best films ever made. silly karyn. i didn't even finish the whole movie. about an hour in, i went in the other room and slept. why, audrey, why...

because i'm sick and all, my parents bought me some packs of popsicles. they're the kind that are white, but still flavored. and there's a mystery flavor that you're supposed to guess... so i open a box, and pull out a popsicle. it's labeled cherry, so it's obviously not the mystery flavor, and i let the devouring commence. so it's all gone down to the lonely popsicle stick... i examine the stick, and it says "the mystery flavor is raspberry." they didn't even give me a chance! they didn't.. even... give me a chance. i hate you, good humor.

so instead of getting rid of my car altogether, my parents are thinking that i should pack it up with everything i'll be wanting when i'm back from greece and have somebody in the wedding party drive it to searcy for me. so it will just sit in searcy, probably at ellen's apartment, for four months. in short, robin, you probably shouldn't have given me my key back, because you'll probably be the one i let drive it. i don't really care, though.

blogger only works once in a while, so if there are long periods of time where i don't post, it's not my preference. they're being mean to me, those bullys. and if you still haven't given me your contact info, you need to hop on that love train because i am attempting to construct a list.

and what the heck is up with adam? does he just not post anymore? did he die in a fiery plane crash? just idle curiosity. have a great week, y'all.

ok, anybody who reads this needs to send me an e-mail with all of their contact info.
(karynkiser@hotmail.com)

my parents went out friday night with another couple for dinner... i was supposed to go, but in the end i felt too sick to eat in public. so about 20 minutes after they leave, i'm sitting in my la-z-boy recliner (which is soft and feathery like a soap opera dream sequence) drinking fresca, eating pretzels, and watching frasier... and the phone rings. so i pick it up, figuring it's my grandmother. but it's not. it's zach fisher, my friend from high school! i'm not sure who in the harding clan met zach, but he visited me during spring break if anybody remembers. so zach says "hey karyn, i'm 15 minutes outside of montgomery on my way to kansas, do you want to have dinner?" and i'm like psha! and he's like alright! and i'm like "here are the directions to my house!" and he's all "oh no, i just made three wrong turns!" ok, so maybe that's not really how it happened. but he DID call, he DID come over, and he DID make three wrong turns in the process. quite comical, if you ask me. which you haven't, so nevermind. so zach ended up coming over, eating dinner with me, and spending the night at my house. it was super nice to see him, what a pleasant surprise. he really snapped me out of my moping phase about not having any friends here, or any people my age to hang out with... we woke up, he played me some tenacious d songs on his guitar (which was awesome), and then we took him to waffle house for breakfast and sent him off to his parents' house. it was so so so nice. i felt so much better afterwards.

after deciding not to shower (i promised myself that i would take a shower every day over the summer, something i don't think i have done since the advent of showers OR summer), i sat down at my kitchen table with my mom and spent hours making cards. and maybe by "hours" i am implying that i finished a lot of cards... but by 5 pm, i had only finished three. but darnit, i worked hard on those three cards. it was fun making cards with mama... it's such a big hobby of hers, and it was funny how much better at it she is than me. she always bailed me out when i screwed up, and it seemed like the only time she ever looked up to check on me was when i was in the middle of massively messing up.

after making my 3 (!) cards, i decided that we needed to rent a movie, and dad decided that we needed to go to dinner. so i showered (still holding strong to my vow) and we went out to my favorite restaurant in montgomery. i wasn't too enthusiastic about being in public in general because i haven't been sleeping well and my eyes tend to look like cat eyes or alien eyes whenever that happens, but it turned out to be way worth it because our waiter was super freakin' hot. it's so sad, because that actually is enough to get me out of the house for an hour or so. i don't really care about this guy, and i will never see him again, and if i hadn't met him then my life would be the same, but still. oh well. am i twelve or what?

after dinner we watched kill bill, which just ended actually. my mom said "there are lots of other ways they could have told an intriguing story without all of the blood." and my dad said "two things. if any of the crazy 88 had had a gun, it would have been a really short fight. and it's not very fair that o-ren ishii got her all tired before they fought." how perfectly representative of my parents' personalities.

today mom told me that her friend just named her son and daughter justice and liberty, respectively. actually, she told me about liberty and then said "guess what her brother's name is"... with stiflied laughter, i guess justice, and was appalled to learn that i had been correct. so mom and i decided just now that my children will be named "civil disobedience" and "conscientious objector". sounds about right to me.


all day i've been thinking about which five iron frenzy songs remind me of you guys. this is what i do when you're not around. here's what i ended up with...
carrie - hurricanes
katie - juggernaut
adam - ugly day
jared - car
susie - sweet talkin' woman
kraus - farsighted
jefe - combat chuck
kevin - blue comb '78
tylor - all that is good
jon - world without end
robin - anthem
andrew - the phantom mullet
josh - kingdom of the dinosaurs
matt - where 0 meets 15
laura - one girl army
tj - when i go out
ellen - you can't handle this

and all of you? it was beautiful
all of beauty? dandelions
all of life? every new day

i can't believe i actually spent eight hours alone today. more than that, actually. i'm not sure when the last time was that i spent eight hours by myself. it was strange to make the drive, because everytime i passed something that i recognized from all the other times i've made the drive, i thought to myself "this is the last time i will drive to montgomery." and that's what it was, the last time.

i was doing really well... i listened to a cd that my sister in england gave me first, and it was pretty upbeat. then i had this great idea to play bright eyes. wow, i wouldn't suggest that to anybody. it definitely ripped the tears from my eyes. i know that i've talked before about how you associate certain songs or groups with certain people. well, i associate bright eyes with my friends from my first year of college. gosh. my first year of college. anyway, i cried all the way from memphis to tupelo. it was very elvis of me. and i don't mean that i had a few glistening tears. it was violent sobbing. i wouldn't suggest that either, especially when it is raining so hard that even with your 1.5 windshield wipers waving hello and goodbye at full power you can still barely make out the cars around you. but being that i am an intelligent and experienced sophomore in college, i played the cd all the way through. hoorah, karyn.

i just wanted to pull over and stick my thumb out, i wanted somebody to rescue me from whatever it was that i was feeling... AM feeling. i know that eventually i won't be two inches from tears whenever i use my brain for anything, but i guess tonight is that special night, that one night where you really do just dwell on things. it starts the grieving process, i suppose. it won't be so bad in the future.

i'm going to be kept busy with unloading my car after i go through everything in my/ellen's room and decide what is tossed or given to the thrift store. we have to send our cats away to be quarantined for living overseas, we have to decide which of our cars is coming with us to hawaii (the navy only pays for one, and since my sister katie who was going to be living with us in d.c. and driving the kia while i'm in greece will now be living with us in hawaii and not driving the kia, there goes my car, because there is nothing for us to do with it but give it away)... i guess it seems like i'm just stupid maybe, for not wanting to live on a beautiful tropical island, but i don't know that i could really explain to people what this all means for my family in the next few months. there are a billion things that this change in plans adds to our to-do list. and here i am, supposed to be a helper, and i don't want to do anything. i don't want to move anymore.

God is showing me how much i need Him. i wish He would just take me home. i don't mean to sound depressing, but i really needed to type it all out. that is what this is for, right?

saving it for finals week was a fabulous result of procrastination on ellen's and my part. i don't know if it's the stress, or my medication, but i've been getting these awful headaches lately, the kind where it hurts to move your eyes around in your skull. anaprox is my very best friend this week, i suppose. it will be great to be totally self-indulgent for an hour. like i'm not all the time anyway.

i understand that i have not been the best person in the universe lately, and i think it has a lot to do with my inability to deal with the strange problems i've had since a few weekends ago. i just hope that people know that i am trying very hard, and i don't delight in the stupid things that i do. my troubles are nothing compared to some people's, but they are still troubles. reminds me of john 16:33. "i have told you these things so that in me you may find peace. in this world you will have troubles. but take heart! i have overcome the world." and maybe you're thinking, who is she to quote scripture? well, i'm a sinner, saved by grace through faith. i'm just trying my best.

i talked to kerry for two hours yesterday, and it went really well. i guess it's difficult for people who didn't know both of us during the breakup to understand what a big deal that is. i mean, i got to find out how he's doing (well), what his major is (computer engineering) and what his favorite bands are these days (anberlin, emery, mewithoutyou)... it was really nice to have a conversation with him. i kept my feet on the ground, so i think it went well. at least now i don't have any exboyfriends who refuse to talk to me. and who aren't at least cordial. friendly, even. bizarre.

sometimes i really hate my friends.

i am not a horrible person.

stop treating me like i am.

i can't wait to get out of here.

you make me want to leave and not come back, and you don't care at all.

you only care about one thing in the entire world, and it's not a good thing.

today really wasn't that bad. much like katie's description of van helsing. yes, i like that.

our love was
comfortable and
so broken in

church was fantastic this morning... the lesson was about the coexistence of our free will and God's sovereignty, but it wasn't your usual "we can't really answer the question so let's discuss it until it's time for lunch" type thing... instead, the speaker talked about people in Bible times and the consequences of their decisions... like david's adultery and the death of his child, or abraham's faithfulness in intending to sacrifice isaac and his apparent reward. at first it seemed like it was going to be things i had already heard in church, but then he went on to say that the actions and decisions of people today, of you and me, are just as impactive. maybe we have trouble comparing ourselves to Bible figures in that way, but the more i think about it the more sense it makes. i could be make as much of a difference as they did with the way i live my life, and it could go either way. maybe it's not a revelation to anybody else, but i sure enjoyed it. it seemed to be exactly what i needed to hear. the worship was so encouraging for me, too. i realize that worship is not for me, it is for God, but (as we often discussed in old testament survey) worship also forms bonds between believers... so as much as it is for God, it binds us together. i guess i felt bound today, in a good way.

suppose i said
i'm on my best behavior
there are times
i lose my worried mind

i was absolutely crazy tonight at dinner; i kept picking fights with robin. but not REAL fights, just diet fights. i couldn't stop though, and i have no idea why. all of the sudden everything is different. it's probably going to end up being really great that i am leaving in a few days and for a few months. i can come back and be stable. i can say "hello robin" instead of "hello... robin" because i stop myself at the last second from saying "hello boyfriend", like i'm so used to.

would the world between us break these ties
we've worked so hard to realize
can a postcard say what i see in your eyes
could i ever break away

i am so anxious to move to washington, d.c... i like montgomery ok, it's not the most horrible place i've ever lived. granted, i don't really LIVE there. i don't think i'll really make friends somewhere until i can spend an entire summer there. that rules out this coming summer, but my sister katie will be there for part of it. i am very very excited about seeing her again! i have grown so attached to her in the past few years, especially these past few months. for some reason, perhaps because she is in college, the relationship i have with her appeals more to my supposedly-existent intellect. what's more, though, is that she appeals to my definitely-existent goofiness. i want to spend the summer dancing around the living room, scantily clad and listening to the full monty soundtrack. what is happier than being inadequately clothed with your sister, really?

sometimes
i wish that i was the weather
you'd bring me up in conversation forever
and when it rained
i'd be the talk of the day

speaking of sisters, i sent adrienne an e-mail a few days ago and she sent me back an e-mail twice as long. it's so great to hear from her, and to have real conversations. i honestly care what is happening in her life, and she seems to care about what is happening in mind. we have things to discuss... music, school, video games, tattoos, more tattoos, all of that really important stuff. also, i got to talk to my mom today. i really love that woman. i really really do.

midnight
lock all the doors
and turn out the lights
feels like
the end of the world
this sunday night

i realized that my new home would be very close to kerry's new home, today. i hope that he wouldn't mind seeing me, just talking and catching up. i'm not hung up on him or anything, i just think it would be really good for me to sit down and have a real conversation with him... maybe then we could understand that we are just two normal people and not the soap opera characters that being young makes you. i'm still young, though, so i suppose the jury is out on that one. whether or not he would want to see me, i am so excited about being able to spend time with matt this summer. so maybe i do have a friend in that area... it really thrills me.

can't remember
what went wrong last september
though i'm sure you'd remind me
if you had to

my apologies for the problems all of those lovely images hosted by angelfire. i'm not sure when i will have time to go and fix all of that. angelfire is pretty much set to burn, though. burrrn.

[i have consolidated three posts into one post, because they are all from the same day.]

i feel fragmented.

i would like to listen to mewithoutyou all day, or certain five iron frenzy songs. katie needs to study basically all day, and i probably should too. but i would like to relax today because i only have one (easy) final on monday. the rest could wait.

i would like to bury my head in a patch of dandelions and daydream all day, actually. except i guess some of the puffs might get stuck to the corners of my mouth, and i would look crazy.

i would like to relax in a pool, with my hands behind my head and my feet in the water. except there is no (real) pool available, chlorinated water is icky, and my tattoo cannot handle it yet.

but i will study. juggernaut, juggernaut.

[later that day]

so it's 8 p.m. and i haven't been able to study anything. i just never felt motivated. it's ok, though, i can afford to wait another day.

i watched american beauty in my room, which seems like it would be a downer, but i really love that movie. it lifts my spirits despite all of the icky parts. it's a beautiful story, really, if you can just look at the skeleton. some of the dialogue about the beauty of the world.

i went to wal-mart with carrie, which was a fun little break from the room. i saw her talk to a cashier, and it occurred to me that she is really good with people... she makes them feel comfortable and always seems to know what to say. she presents herself very well. i had to stand back for a second and smile.

my whole body aches today, and i'm not really sure why. my back and my sides feel so bad. i'm going to go walk it off now. you have to be creative to avoid studying.

[even later]

i think it's become abundantly clear that my body aches because i'm about to start spewing blood everywhere in a kill-bill-esque manner. sorry if that is too graphic.

after my last cheery post, i went out to the football field and sat down on that giant cushion that pole vaulters land on, listening to mewithoutyou and watching the sky change colors. i was hoping for more stars, but it took them a while to wipe the sleep out of their eyes... i was already finished with the cd and there were only 4 or 5 in the entire sky. afterwards, i walked around for a bit thinking and getting my feet dirty. i seem to be good at those two things, but only one at a time. tonight was mostly just dirtying up my feet.

when i got back to the room, i had an overwhelming craving for cinnastix from pizza pro, which i am hoping can be attributed to my pre-blood-spewing state. as it turns out, one box costs 2.15 american dollars. so carrie, britany (carrie's roommate) and i ordered a box for carry-out and took a special to go and eat them. whoa doggy, it was glorious. after we realized we needed to take a special, we went cruising on race street (ha) listening to really stupid oldies. we spotlighted a couple making out, and i'm sorry but it's absolutely hilarious. if you want to be really private, try not parking at THE PARK. be creative. earn your privacy. (yeah, i'm a terrible person.)

after that, we went to the white county fairgrounds just to check things out, and they had ponies in pins... there wasn't anything keeping people from going in and petting them, so we did. we have some lovely pictures to prove it, too. there weren't pigs or chickens, sadly. you can't win 'em all. one of the ponies was inexplicably wearing a pink bikini-type outfit. obviously, we stayed for a while.

it was a fun way to spend a saturday night. and yes, i actually got a bit of studying done before i ran off to eat cinnastix. my parents would be proud!

all day today i wished it was sunday so that i could go to church... i don't usually get excited about going to church, it's usually just a fact in my week. but i am so thrilled that tomorrow is sunday. i really can't wait.

i was at a funeral
the day i realized
i wanted to spend my life with you
sitting down on the front steps
at the old post office
the flag was flying at half-mast
and i was thinking 'bout how
everyone was dying
and maybe it's time to live

what is love?

"this is how we know what love is - Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

i know that spongebob squarepants is awful and my mind is rapidly deteriorating, but i absolutely cannot look away. how is he capable of doing all of the things he does? why do his tears fall down his face if he lives underwater? moreover, why is he a talking sponge? who lives in a pineapple? under the sea?!

i really miss robin today, and i'm not really sure why. i mean, i know why i would miss him, i just don't understand why i do. i made him sit with me at lunch and it was really twisted the way i was talking and thinking. maybe nobody else noticed, but i did.

ok, so i ate two chocolate bunnies and i have a tummy ache. and when katie came in, the tv was on spongebob squarepants as it has been for the last hour and a half and i said "i ate two bunnies." and then katie shouted, saying...
"karyn! i leave you alone for an hour and you are mostly naked watching spongebob squarepants and eating chocolate bunnies!"

i like my roommate.

so... i got my feet tattooed today.

something small, simple... just scribbles, really. dandelion seeds floating on my feet. i am very happy with it, obviously, as it is permanently etched on my body.

eh, that's the news.

so lately i've been feeling like a little girl, which has its ups and downs. i like being young, but i don't necessary like feeling young.



that feeling seemed to leave me today, when i was able to run some errands and get my ducks in order for finals and greece. i got my finals moved around so that i can go home on thursday instead of saturday, dropped some paperwork off at the business office, picked up a copy of my schedule from the international programs office, and registered for my classes in the fall. all in a half hour. sometimes you just feel like an adult when you do things for yourself... today was one of those times. a half hour can change my mood so thoroughly. it also helps that i got to put on make up today... i realize that it is very superficial and silly, but it does make me feel more adult and way more confident. i can't argue with that.

there are lots of beautiful things in the world.

i think that what helps me out of a rut is having to be strong for somebody else. when people need to lean on me, i can be strong.

i need something extraordinary.

today really wasn't so bad. things only seem to have gotten better since last night, which is a beautiful gift. i got out of class ultra early, had a small lunch, went shopping with carrie, took everything down in my room, took a short nap, went to the lingerie party, finished cleaning my room, and watched the gilmore girls... then homework and more homework. and now, at 2 a.m., i am finished. i tried and tried to finish earlier, but i just could not do it. and now that i'm done, cannot sleep. if i continue to sleep and eat less and less then it will only make things worse. but maybe the nap today will compensate a bit for what is looking like a sleepless night.

today while katie and i were taking things down, she pointed out that the first thing we had done together in our room was put posters up. before we really unpacked anything, we started hanging posters. it's just that important to us, i suppose, that we have an atmosphere all our own - a sense of OUR room. without that, it's just a giant blank slate, with a small splash of color spelling "harding is mean" in alphabet magnets. i guess it sounds bitter, "harding is mean", but it's much better (and cleaner) than what it used to spell.

there's something nice about blank slates, though. like the house we're going to move into soon, and the new life we're going to accept. i do think of it as a new life, everytime we move. it feels like i have had different lives everywhere since i became a self-aware human being... florida, guam, alabama, and soon maryland. i was 7 when we moved to florida. i am now 18. eleven years and four lives. it's going to be fun to have a house the size of montana again, and i will have lots of opportunities to learn more about just about every subject... i can go to the holocaust museum whenever i want, or just sit outside ashcroft's office building fantasizing. i won't have any friends there, though, besides my parents and probably my sister katie. that's going to be the tough part. it's only a few months here and there, but if i could change anything about d.c. it would be that i would have friends there. not just my parent's friends, but my friends. it's too much to ask for, though, and that's really alright.

after tomorrow, my stress level will probably fall dramatically. all projects will be finished, all papers and pre-final tests.

i think i want too much from other people. i just want people to care, i suppose. actively care.

if Jesus were here in physical human form, it would be so nice. i could have a person to hug all of the time, somebody to go everywhere with, and who would rock me to sleep at night. i have all of those things in Jesus already, but there's something about a physical being... it's difficult to explain, but i think anybody would understand. He certainly does.

i need You now
not words or a feeling
but Jesus Christ...

today in french class, somebody said that the book le petit prince was depressing. when i heard her say that, i had to wonder whether or not she really understood what she was saying, whether she knew what depressing meant. i wish that i was sad because of a book, and not my brain. i have too much to get done today to feel anything anyway.

i don't this this makes me cool, or interesting, or worth anybody's pity. i just don't want to shut everybody out, i want you to know what is happening with me.

i wish she were capable of noticing anything outside of herself and her situation. i wish they lived five minutes away. i wish he were it. i wish i wish i wish.

i wish i had a serpent.

i really just want to leave and be with God. i don't know how else to express it; i know i've said those words a lot and maybe the meaning is somewhat diminished now, but it's truly the only thing that comes to my mind.

and this song, which should really just never be in small text like this. it needs to be screamed from the top of a building.

don't waste your lips on words i've heard before
kiss my tired head.
and each letter written wastes your hand, young man
come and lead me to your bed
you gave me hope that i'd not lost her
and then thought it rather strange to see me smile-
as i don't do too much smiling these days.

she put on happiness like a loose dress
over pain i'll never know
"so the peace you had," she says,
"i must confess, i'm glad to see it go."
we're two white roses lying frozen just outside his door
i've made you so happy and so sad,
but which should i be more sorry for?

come kiss my face goodbye,
that space below my eye and above my cheek
'cause i'm faint and fading fast, i see a darkness
and i shall be released.
i'll pass like a fever from this body,
and softly slip into his hands
i tried to love you and i failed,
but i have another plan.

my Lord, how long to sing this song?
and my Lord, how much more of this pretending to be strong?
when she stands before Your throne
dressed in beauty not her own
all soft and small, you'll hear her call
"you brought me here, now take me home."

i tried and tried to call my parents last night and this morning, then i remembered that they are in d.c. buying a house. it's probably that i never notice it when i CAN talk to them, but it seems like whenever i am really needing it then i can't get a hold of them... not to say that they are unavailable, but it's just how things work out sometimes. i really miss them this weekend.

there is enough love in the world that nobody should ever have to feel like they aren't cared about. it just doesn't make sense. i want to be cradled and rocked like a child. maybe i'm not old enough to be on my own or something.

the Lord is my Shepherd
i shall not want
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
He leadeth me beside the still waters
He restoreth my soul
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

yea, though i walk through the valley
of the shadow of death
i will fear no evil
for Thou art with me
Thy rod and thy staff
they comfort me
Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies
Thou annointest my head with oil
my cup runneth over

surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
and i will dwell in the House of the Lord forever