free advice: don't play old maid with your 25 year old unmarried sister. file that under "depressing beyond belief". and the old maid is depicted on the card as a wrinkled lady with a grey bun on top of her head who is - i kid you not - surrounded by cats.

oh gosh, i am such a basketcase lately. i cannot be happy with anybody no matter what i do, so i'm learning to be happy with nobody. Lord, come and rescue me from myself. there is nothing worse than "being cordial", and it kills me that i just have to write stupid cryptic complaints like this on my blog and i can't really explain it to anybody. and you're totally ok without me and it's killing me. i think i'm ok without you most of the time too, but why do you have to go and be ok without me? sheesh.

so yeah, my fallback subject, politics. july 6th is president bush's 58th birthday. don't forget to write him and congratulate him on the progess he's made with his war on terrorism! oh, i can scarcely see through these tears of joy. i need to go and recite the pledge of allegiance.

"don't forget 'one nation under God', karyn! my God, that is!"

"golly gee, mister bush, i sure won't!"

(applause)

welcome to the jaded, nonparticipating 18-24 year old demographic.

ok, i don't want to upset anybody. i love God. i love my country. i love the office of the presidency. you guys know that. i'm just melodramatic and, dare i say, jaded. speaking of jaded, katherine harris got voted off of republican survivor. i'm so glad that ann coulter survived the week - she HAS to win! she's awesome!

i have found myself relying on my mother more than i have in a long while. i just want to curl up in her lap all the time, and just feel her hand sitting on the back of my neck. there is nothing like the touch of a mother's hand. no matter where i am, i know what my mother's hands feel like. they feel like comfort. i ask her for hugs all of the time now. tonight she painted my fingernails for me, and told me about when her mother used to do that for her. maybe i'll stop biting my nails for good. it's really exhausting in many ways, making the rounds before we go to our new home - she and i are in this together; i love my mother so so so much.

i need some sleep
you can't go on like this
i try counting sheep
but there's one i always miss
everyone says i'm getting down too low
everyone says you just gotta let it go
you just gotta let it go
you just gotta let it go

today we got up early and went to the market in downtown charleston. there are all kinds of fun street vendors, and tons to choose from. i came away with a pendant... a small circle of venetian glass featuring a moon and several stars. it reminded me immediately of the little prince, so i didn't want to leave without it.

and today i am wearing red plaid pants that make me look like a hot sexy babe.

and today i weighed three pounds less than last time i weighed myself. rock on.

daddy, here's a shoutout. i don't know how often you check this, but i know that you check it once in a while. and you're in hawaii and i'm in south carolina and i cannot wait until we're together again! i miss you and think about you a lot. so, um, there you have it. i love you. =)

by the way, everybody, nothing is more entertaining than doing impressions of toddlers yelling "mom!" and "dad!" with giant veins popping out of their tiny necks. really, you ought to try it.

lunch time. then who knows, maybe beach time? beach time is my faaavorite time!

my mother, sister, and i drove to charleston, south carolina, today. the road trip began with me singing songs in an absurdly high-pitched voice. the highlights were "love fool" by the cardigans and "ironic" by alanis morissette. it's like rain on your wedding day.

we got a book on cd to listen to for the trip, since the chances of us all agreeing on music weren't looking overwhelmingly promising. luckily, we agreed on a book: living history by hillary clinton.

i have so much respect for her. regardless of your political ideology, you have to admit that she has endured a lot of heartache. i think she's so strong and brave. and it's not just a democrat thing; i respect barbara bush, too, for her dogged devotion to her husband and children.

hearing hillary clinton recount her childhood and teenage/college years really struck me. she had accomplished so much by the time she was where i am in life, what with volunteering with local and national political campaigns. my mind wandered as she described stuffing envelopes and going door-to-door checking voter records; i found myself considering all of the things i could be doing at harding. i want to have a meeting with dr. burks to discuss which ways he would be comfortable with campus democrats asserting their existence. it's not any big secret that there is a bit of a bias at harding, and i would be 100% willing to approach the growth of a young democrats organization with respect to that. (not to say that we should rejoice in the bias, but we needn't pretend it doesn't exist.) i think that as long as people remained humble and gracious then we could be vastly successful in breaking through such a bias. after a while of such thoughts, i became so frustrated with the idea of being away in greece during the election that i put on my headphones and drowned out politics for a while. i listened to anti-flag. just kidding. it was aimee mann.

when i finally returned to the book on cd, she had mentioned several right-wing figures, such as kenneth star and newt gingrich. i am so curious as to whether or not these men are actually as unctuous and malicious as fundamentalist liberals would have folks believe. can people really be that way? honestly (and this might surprise some people, which is completely my fault and something i regret), i find george w. bush to be infinitely more agreeable than my idea of ashcroft, limbaugh, gingrich, and especially ann coulter. i hate to be naive, but it seems as if people just really couldn't be so terrible. like their critics must be at least partly incorrect. i certainly hope so. for the record, i regard michael moore as just about as upright and blameless as ann coulter. they really should date. if ever the world contained two such perfect soulmates, it would be ann coulter and michael moore.

i have felt lately that i am supposed to do something amazing with my life. i am beginning to think that perhaps all of this enthusiasm and energy i have been given are not just incidental, that i am an extrovert for a reason, and that maybe the whole world could know me. but so much of me is terrified to share this feeling with anybody, lest i be labeled arrogant. i believe that is because there is such pressure for people, girls in particular, to constant display this level of self deprecation. we're not even allowed to regard ourselves as pretty. well that's just crazy. people ought to like themselves and not be afraid to dream.

i'm not suggesting at all that i plan on being famous; i don't care about fame, unless i can actually make a difference in u2's bonoesque manner. i don't care to be a movie star; on the contrary, i'd like to be a social activist, a woman who commits her life to the lives of those around her. not a farenheit 911 social activist, not a greenpeace social activist, not a peta social activist. i would like to leave negativity behind and work with whomever i can to improve the standard of living for the forgotten of the world. right now, however, i am eighteen. i am a college sophomore who is getting carried away with her online journal.

here you have it, kids. this is supposed to be my last full day in alabama. we'll see, since we have to go back to our house tomorrow so that, NOT as planned, the movers can finish filling the 17 (!) crates that are my household goods. the great consolation to having all of this stuff to pack is knowing that someday i'll get a quarter of it. and let the record show - i call mom's paintings from college. and the storyboards from guam. and the kitchen table, but only because it's so ugly that i want to burn it.

katie and i got to escape this morning and run a few errands while everybody else stood around and loaded crates or just watched... we went around town on a quest for ultra-lame montgomery postcards for katie to send to her friends in london. she'll get there before they do, but whatever, we found one with william shakespeare on it. while completing that noble task, we found ourselves in a winn dixie (that's right - the beef people) at a rack full of montgomery biscuits merchandise. that's montgomery's minor league baseball team, and their logo is terrifying. while i refused to sport the traditional minor-league-baseball-fan garb here in town, i'm leaving soon; thus, i thought it was time for me to own a baseball hat.

what you might now know about me is that i loves me some baseball hats. really, i do.

anyway, back to the story. so i bought one. this one. yeah, i looked it up online and found a picture. so what. well, that's my story.

would it disturb everybody if i said that my maxipad was a symphony of uterine lining? yes? ok.

psst, jon - i was thinking. the girl from thundercats is pretty gross, and wonder woman is way too obvious. if i were you, i would go for the powerpuff girls. yes, all of them. maybe their combined ages would make it not-so-illegal?

just a thought.

i forgot to bring something fun to do while i waited for my belongings to be sealed into giant boxes... so i just ended up sleeping on my kitchen table. sleeping, curled up, on my kitchen table. the one i want to burn.

oh! ellen called today! she apologized for not being able to properly say goodbye to me. and the very thought of that, of her leaving without saying goodbye, it made me literally burst into tears. yes, i burst. it was very messy.

but seriously, it had not even occurred to me that we didn't say goodbye. not that i don't think about her and wonder how she's doing a lot now, but i hadn't even realized i wouldn't be seeing her for months. it's good, because she can settle into married life and spend looots of time with josh, but it's so strange. i think it was probably good to cry, though, i haven't done that in a few days. wow, i'm strange.

so this running thing is awesome - interval training makes me happy in ways i never thought exercising could make me happy. honestly, there are few things i've found that are more satisfying than just finishing a run and wiping sweat off of my face. and we ran in the park tonight, which means we got to see two - yes, TWO - groups of drunk, smoking teenagers! oh joy, oh rapture! it reminded me of sophomore year before i started dating kerry. i thought it was "totally bitchin'" to drink and all that. dude, i was so cool. i'm patting myself on the back.

kerry was great for me in that respect. i got out of that mindset really quickly when i was with him. we were so happy for such a long time. siiiigh... (picture me in paris, smoking a cigarette and musing in a painfully fake french french accent) "ahh, la vie... shee eez eh meesteree, non?..."

today i walked past a japanese restaurant that had a big koi pond in the front. it was filled with change. shiny change. so i got down on the ground and leaned into the pond, recovering a discarded penny. as i recounted the story for carrie (a lame story, sorry carrie... and sorry, faithful readers), she reminded me that i had stolen someone's wish. i wonder what their wish was. i'd like to think it wasn't something awful, but it probably was. eh, it happens.

i am not thinking straight. i trust my roommate more than myself.

i'm in a hotel tonight.

as i was walking into the lobby, a lady who was walking her dog passed my father and me.

i turned to dad and said "daddy, i want a dog!"

she said "oh, honey, you can have this one. i've had her for 11 years and she's like a baby."

so i said, in my youthful wisdom, "oh, well i already have a baby."

you'd think after all these years my father would stop being shocked.

P.S.
thanks for writing me to say
politely
you are fine
and still in love.
Did you ever really understand what I said
that night we had steaks and wine?
How strange it seems now
to remember categorizing my adorations
so as not to scare you away.
I know now that I tread so
softly
into your affections
that you mistook it
for indifference.
I will not open musty closet doors
by sending desperate prose
through the mail.
I will simply say
the weather is fine; and I
no longer believe in fairies.

-- chandra mckenzie, from implications


When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

-- william butler yeats


it may not always be so; and i say
that if your lips, which i have loved, should touch
another's, and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart, as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know, or such
great writhing words as, uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;
if this should be, i say if this should be-
you of my heart, send me a little word;
that i may go unto him, and take his hands,
saying, Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face, and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

-- e.e. cummings


i have never been in love, not even almost.
"but you, but you... you write such pretty words..."


you fit into me
like a hook into an eye

a fish hook
an open eye

-- margaret atwood

they haven't packed our computer yet because they didn't finish packing our house today. apparently it's not possible to fit 30 years of junk into 2 days of packing. who knew. (i did.)

there's a park about 3 and a half five iron frenzy songs away from my house. i walked there tonight and circled it while i watched the fireflies appear and disappear and reappear. i had never been to that particular park before, and am sad to have discovered it on the eve of my departure from this neighborhood. tomorrow i go to a hotel and now i'm not leaving town until saturday.

tonight while i was walking i thought a lot about the man i might marry, if i were to marry. i think he would be a lot like my understanding of reese roper. passionate and talented and serious but still able to have a giant captain america tattoo. devoted to God. likes video games. i don't ask much. =) despite how i've presented this, i really don't spend a lot of time pondering marriage or my husband. mostly i was just thinking tonight about how beautiful five iron frenzy can be. or rather, how beautifully God shines His light through them. it's like a musical filter - they take a love that i am not sure how to comprehend or accept and describe it to me, remind me of it, explain what it means in a way i can understand. they give me a soundtrack to what i want my life to be - thanksgiving and living for God. sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in a band, and forget about their driving force. like "eulogy". what a great song. a band reminding you to look up at the sky and not at the stage.

i've found myself making better decisions. when i stray, i feel something pulling me back. i feel redeemed.

if mercy falls upon the broken and the poor
Dear Father, i will see You there
on distant shores

today i realized i'm not fat. my pants are starting to fall off of me. but by the end of the summer i'll be my normal size again. that always happens when we travel because we eat out all of the time.

this makes about a week of running. i like to run, but i wish i did the reminding instead of being reminded.

i had forgotten how much it stinks to have huge stacks of boxes in every room.

all i ever do is talk about myself. that's no good for anybody.

i'm sick of being mean just because i forgot to take a pill. i'm sick of being grumpy in the mornings; i really can't help it. i'm sick of not having my own bed. mostly i'm sick of people getting their heads cut off in iraq and saudi arabia. just stop. nobody gains anything.

life isn't all about issues and causes. not every detail needs to be dissected as part of some socioeconomic pattern. it's good to be informed, but still.

it's always better to just sit back and listen to music.

if life is just a seemlingly endless series of choices spawning from past choices, maybe i ought to really look at what i'm choosing more closely. but i hate to make myself responsible for the things in my life that stir unhappiness in my heart.

it's good to have a home... i don't.

but nothing is as dramatic as it seems. sometimes feelings are so stupid that they aren't even really happening.

i don't own anything. i've never done anything. i'm a girl who lives with her parents.

spinning laughing dancing
to her favorite song
a little girl
with nothing wrong
and she's all alone

i can't live this lie any longer. my favorite song on the high fidelity soundtrack is "fallen for you" by sheila nicholls. out of the awesome compilation of classic rock, i chose the one girly song to adore. i am ashamed.

the movers are coming tomorrow because they decided they can pack our whole house tuesday and wednesday, then load crates on thursday. good luck, movers. you have fun with that. it's.. totally possible.

so i spent about three hours running around town with tina and katie, getting my picture taken over and over again. she must have taken a hundred pictures. in a few i'm on the steps of the capitol holding a sign that says "no more war". and in some i'm on train tracks. and in some i'm holding my stop sign, and in some i'm laying in the grass and in some i'm on a ladder next to the tracks while a train came along... leaning against a lamppost, a brick wall, my couch... i felt like a model. i guess that's the point of getting your picture taken. to feel like a model. we couldn't get too many pictures of me with my war sign because the security guard at the capitol told me i couldn't have the sign there. and i asked if it was a law and he didn't really answer me... of course it's not a law. in fact, it's the opposite of a law. stupid security guards, always wanting to exercise authority they don't have in an attempt to compensate for not being actual police officers. that's my estimation, at least. my brother-in-law was a security guard for a while. well, my ex-brother-in-law.

when i think about how my life could be, about the things i could accomplish, it really excites me. my heart really starts to race. and i wonder about the things that have happened in my life thus far, about what God might be preparing me for. i really want to make a difference. it's so corny, but there you have it. i want to make a difference and be somebody. i feel like there is something incredible just out of my reach, and maybe eventually i'll be stretched far enough to grab hold of it. and part of me is looking forward to the things that could stretch me, saying "bring it on". but another part of me knows that would be as stupid as bush saying "bring it on" to terrorists. well, maybe half a stupid, but stupid nonetheless.

by the way, i don't hate bush. i just don't like his politics. or his hair, but that's something else entirely. kerry's hair isn't anything to write home about either... john edwards, however... now there's a man with wonderful hair.

i talked to scott light today for the first time this summer. it's funny, i hadn't expected to miss having him around. he made speech class bearable though, along with katie. and it's always fun to get tiny notes, passed back to me only when frye was looking directly at us. i think scott is the real reason i got a b in speech. ("for the timeline: dottie frye makes in-class reference to my genitals.") anyway, i get my fill of scott next semester. have i mentioned how excited i am about greece?

i'm excited about greece. katie, scott, daniel, justin, tons of other awesome people, we're going to have a blast. and maybe we'll learn something while we're there. and, you know, buy stuff... and stuff. this post is going nowhere fast. goodnight blog, goodnight mary ellen, goodnight john boy.

i thought i felt your fingers once
after waiting all these months
but i was wrong so wrong
that was just another song
you wrote for another girl
and i hoped a day could be
when you'd write a song for me
but it never came
i thank you all the same
but i'll go now
so you won't know how much i've

fallen for you

first of all, a few pictures from the wedding.





i can't wait until i have the professional pictures, where i'm not just wearing a t-shirt. and where my ridiculously awesome curls haven't all fallen out already because of the humidity. there are a few of ellen and me that are going to be so fun. the one the bridesmaids are looking forward to the most, however, is the specially-requested picture of the groomsmen adoring us. jared is actually bowing down, prostrate. and sam and shelby are on either side of us, staring longingly... mallory, jenny, and i are just standing there looking at our fingernails. corny, yes, but a lot of fun. the photographer, our friend tina, is fantastic. if all goes well with the move tomorrow (the packers are coming to start putting everything in boxes), tina and i have plans to sneak away to the capital for a while... she's going take the senior pictures i never had. hopefully with the beautiful white dome behind me and everything... wow. and maybe the supreme court building as well. i'm such a nerd. we were talking about really capturing my personality, so we thought maybe it should look like i was protesting. maybe with a sign. that would rock.

the wedding itself was very lovely. i don't think it's any big secret that i had my doubts about things - i was worried about how young they are, about how they're still in school, how well they get along, etc. but as the ceremony began, as it progressed and finally ended, this feeling of incredible peace and happiness came over me. apparently the same thing happened to all of us. katie, mom, miriam, and mr. wrye all said the same thing about it... that we had been worried, but felt so much better about everything during the actual ceremony. i walked in with jared, which really wasn't bad. i know i've joked around about it, probably because i was nervous, but it was just fine. he helped me, actually... i was shaking, and he calmed me down just by talking to me. we got to hang out a little after the wedding, and it was surreal. i don't mean that we're supposed to ride off into the sunset together, because he's definitely getting married in a month to a girl who is much MUCH better for him that i would be, but every once in a while when we would talk and joke around he would look at me the way he looked at me when we first met each other. we were so interested, and neither of us understood it. anyway, it really did affect me. and it shouldn't have. but i'm ok now.

my grandmother left today. i forgot how exhausting it was to have her around. i really do love her, and there are instances where i enjoy talking to her and spending time with her. a lot of the time, though, she's barking orders at me. telling me things over and over again because she forgets she told me. she takes forever in the bathroom putting makeup on. it's strange, though, because i do resemble her quite a lot. well, before the facelifts. so maybe this is a glimpse into my future. our conversations were typically just grandma saying 1) when are you getting married? 2) please get married before i die. 3) "karyn, i don't think you're ever going to get married, are you?" yeah, that last one is a direct quote. from the morning of the wedding as i was getting my hair done. and i wanted to shout "i'm EIGHT-EXPLETIVE-TEEN, GRANDMA!" but i was a good girl. i even took her shopping while she was here, which is always an ordeal.

being that i am human, and, perhaps what is more pertinent, a teenage girl, i do adore attention. and i also hate it. i was taken aback at how everybody showered me with compliments this weekend. it was really really encouraging... these people are obviously biased, on account of i've known most of them since i was seven, but once in a while you really believe what people tell you about yourself. i think that's where i was this weekend. i don't think people in general allow themselves that very often, so it was fun.

the whole wedding experience really made me wish i was on that track. it's not really that i need a serious boyfriend, i just would like to know that there's something like that waiting for me somewhere. and part of me knows that, but many of my parents' friends told me that i was going to have a really difficult time finding a husband. i know that they meant there weren't boys good enough for me etc etc, but all i was thinking was that maybe they were right and it would be really difficult. not in a sunshine and flowers type of way.

i said goodbye to teresa and her family tonight, after we finished watching the return of the king - thus completing our marathon. they're driving to texas tomorrow. i only knew them for a short time, but it was so enjoyable for me. i'll miss them, my favorite thing about this town.

zach and james spent the night last night, to avoid paying for a hotel room. it was so nice to spend time with both of them. sometimes i really feel like nothing ever changes, but maybe i have changed where zach is concerned. then again, maybe it has more to do with me than with zach. i care about different things now. our friendship has only improved, and i'm more wary of messing up.

katie wendt, i miss you! i miss getting to end my days with talking to you. there are so many things i would love to discuss, little triumphs and failures. i hope all is well with you.

i hope all is well with all of you.

daaandelions: if i forget to feed fish, i have no hope for motherhood
Icharus84: somehow i think it might be a little different
daaandelions: you're so wise
Icharus84: especially since fish dont scream
daaandelions: kids dont scream either when theyre underwater

more pictures, sorry. looks like i can't go very long without posting them after all. but i gave it a shot. i was pretty pissed that they turned out to be so low-quality, but i'm in something of a hurry and will fix them later. and i've convinced myself that it gives the pictures a nice effect. a nice temporary effect.

my dad's toenails after his free, but apparently costly, pedicure:


katie doing an interpretive dance while we decorated the church (notice the magic wand, which is really just a straw with a paper star taped to the end):


me swatting freakin' flies, and trying to be covert... i don't like killing bugs at ALL, but they had to take a few casualties to be fully liberated. i'll help them rebuild their bug government later... anyway:


ellen, katie, me... taking a break from taking a break from taking a break from decorating. that's a lot of breaks. we're precious:


heh - butt. but in all fairness, i didn't know the picture was being taken:

ok.

i need to post about my sister adrienne. nobody has to read it. i think it's going to be long.

she came tonight, to be at the wedding. she's staying in a hotel, but she came by to see us before going to bed. i was getting out of my car from a shopping trip as she drove up.

i was so happy to see her. my heart was so so happy to see her. i was so filled with joy to have the opportunity to work on our relationship, something i've been ready for. for the past year i've tried so hard to be a good sister for her. i have e-mailed her, i have written her a postcard. i have talked to her on the phone and sung happy birthday to her husband. i have thought about her a lot, about ways to make her feel like part of my life and like she is really loved and cared for. she needs to understand that people in this world really do want her to be happy and would do a lot for her.

but she's sick. and i don't mean that she has a cough or a sort throat. i mean that there is something wrong with her brain, with her personality. and it's 100x more destructive than any stupid chemical imbalance i have. i just talked to my father about it for a long time.

tonight when i saw her, i smiled and enthusiastically (and sincerely) welcomed her. when we were alone after that, i said to her "i know these past few years have been difficult, but i'm really really happy to see you, and i am very optimistic about everything. i really mean that."

she laughed in my face. she laughed. in my face. and then turned, motioning towards her husband, and said "isn't kenny hot?"

i really went out on a limb to try and show her i love her. i really feel like she has done a lot in my life that has had lasting negative effects on the way i think and the way i treat people. i don't know if i should ever have children because of how physical abusive i would statistically be. i'm only now beginning to treat animals well, and to control my body when i'm upset. the prozac helps a lot, and i wonder if it's really my brain or just what has been ingrained in me.

honestly, i don't even remember very much of it. ellen has told me a lot of what she remembers. and the things i can recall are so incredibly painful, that somebody who loves you could ever treat you that way. and she says "i love you" in e-mails and on the phone, but those are words that are so easy to say when you have been conditioned to say them. and everybody in my family has, but we generally mean it. we act it.

so now and for the rest of my life i have a sister who is incapable of expressing any love to me because of psychiatric illness. and no matter how much i do for her, she will never believe that i care and that i am anything but a horrible person.

so what am i supposed to do with this? how could i ever be a good sister? is it my cross to bear that i have so much love and forgiveness to give to her and she will never ever ever ever take it from me? and to have to hear her talk about how she's never made any mistakes in her life, knowing that includes every time she's completely torn my heart out. i think the most difficult thing might be that very few people in the universe can understand. to everybody else it's just "yeah, i hate my sister too - big deal." it's so much more than what you think.

well, i tried tonight and i'm going to keep trying, even though nothing will change. but i have to believe that someday things could be a little bit different, and that God is capable of working miracles in my life. and that i was meant to have a sister like adrienne, and should be gaining something. i feel like no matter what i get back from her, i have to try to give her 100% of what a sister should be.

i'm going to keep trying. nothing will change. but i can either try or make the things she thinks about me - that i don't care, that i don't make attempts, that i don't show her love - become the truth.

i think this might be the most emotionally difficult thing i have to deal with in my life. and though i feel like i don't have a choice, even if i did have a choice i would still try.

that is because i really do love my sister.

we've all got bad in us, but we've got goodness too. and the only thing worth living for is the good.

i gave my father a pedicure while he was sleeping. i painted his toenails bright pink with darker pink hearts on his big toes. he noticed it eventually and said he could have killed me, but deep down i know he thought it was hilarious. because, cmon, he let me take pictures. his feet are so gross. feet are gross. but i made them pretty! i guess maybe i'm just learning how to make my own fun.

and maybe you can keep me
from ever being happy
but you're not going to stop me
from having fun
so let's go, before i change my mind

i took my grandmother shopping, which is hilariously difficult. she is so rude to people who work in stores. it's like she's a whole different person when she's talking to the "help". but i got to buy a pair of pants that make my butt look ridiculously cute - fun time had by all. and new running shorts because, as it turns out, my gym pants are waaaay too hot at night in montgomery. anyway, i almost took a picture of my cute butt jeans to post on my blog, but then i thought that would make me completely and totally pathetic. and ...wow, just really pathetic. i guess you'll just have to take my word for it. i care too much about a pair of pants. but they're so marvelous. and they keep me company.

why don't you just talk
take me for a walk
through a little story
and tell me
why should i keep you
if you won't keep me
company?

i taped myself to katie, so we would never be apart. i just walked up to her, and started wrapping tape around us. she stopped me before i could get very far, but we stayed that way for a while. well, until i got bored and wiggled out of it, leaving her to deal with the masking tape. but she didn't mind; she's very understanding. a girl after my own heart.

don't try to hide
the mistakes i made this time
but please try and listen
'cause i'm breaking my heart tonight
so you can see what's inside

today josh mowed our lawn. he mowed ellen's name into the front yard in huge cursive letters. i saw it when i drove up after shopping with grandma. it was surreal. take that however you want. i guess it goes along with what we were talking about yesterday - having somebody come to your window and serenade you. it would probably just embarrass me. but i guess that's love.

don't talk of love
well i've heard the word before
it's sleeping in my memory
i won't disturb the slumber
of feelings that have died
if i'd never loved
i never would have cried

i woke up today.
i went to the art museum with my friend and 5 kids, ages 3 to 11.
i tickled josiah to make him feel better.
we fed fish at a park.
we named the biggest fish biggie.
we tried to give food to the turtles.
i ate poptarts for lunch.
i helped my sister go through her clothes.
we found an old pair of pants.
i hadn't been able to wear those pants since early high school.
i tried them on and they fit me.
i smiled and smiled.
i had dinner with my family - a great dinner my dad made.
i drove with my sister to see desmond tutu.
we listened to the darkness and sang along.
i parked at the civic center.
i read the sign on the door.
it said desmond tutu was cancelled.
it said there was an emergency in south africa and he had to go back.
i hope south africa is ok.
we went to blockbuster instead.
we rented monster, because katie really wanted us to see it.
i went running.
i took a shower.
now i'm watching monster.
the acting is incredible.
i don't think i've ever heard the f word used so profusely.
and i've seen dogma.

this is my song for the asking
ask me and i will play
so sweetly i'll make you smile

this is my tune for the taking
take it don't turn away
i've been waiting all my life

thinking it over i've been sad
thinking it over i'd be more than glad
to change my ways for the asking

ask me and i will play
all the love that i hold inside

i woke up early this morning to be awake for when the packers came to take all of my things away. well, not ALL of them. but most of them, definitely. today i had to send away everything i'll want in greece AND for the spring semester. also, they took away the bed i had been sleeping in to send to my sister in florida. katie and robin are the only people who've been to my house, but for those of you who haven't, it's not extraordinarily large. there are now two real beds in our house. and we're about to have all of the bridesmaids stay here. tight squeeze. as for now, katie AND ellen are sharing an air mattress with me. such closeness, and now it has to be literal closeness. oh well. there have been harder things.

yes, and the morning
has me looking in your eyes
and seeing mine warning me
to read the signs more carefully

it's going to be way harder on my parents than on me, actually. they're coming to pack up absolutely everything in our house two days after ellen's wedding. and those things will most likely not arrive in honolulu until maybe mid or late september. that's just how it is when you move overseas; we sent our household goods from florida to guam about a month early, and still stayed in a hotel on guam for 3 weeks. then after the hotel, we were in our house for 2 or 3 weeks with loaned furniture. it sucks living out of a suitcase. but it's kinda cool knowing that i'm capable of doing it. =)

i had a lover
i don't think i'll risk another
these days, these days
and if i seem to be afraid
to live the life that i have made in song
it's just that i've been losing so long

it's easier to cope with katie around. she's very diplomatic. i think she makes josh feel more comfortable, which is great. it's important for him to feel at home, since we get ellen on weekends and every other christmas. ok, maybe only christmas. unfortunately, katie is still on europe time, and had to force herself to stay up until 9 tonight.

and we danced and we drank and i've seen some things
you probably never got the chance to see... don't worry, mary
'cause I'm taking care of danny and he's taking care of me

katie brought me a french book of comics! if only i had not shipped off my french-english dictionary today, i would have so much to do. i'll probably just buy another one to get my through plane flights and hotel stays.

i haven't ever really found a place that i call home
i never stick around quite long enough to make it
i apologize that once again i'm not in love
but it's not as if i mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking

so, uh, does anybody remember me getting $200 a month for allowance last year? 'cause i sure remember. a few days ago dad mentioned to me that he was going to up my allowance because he figured i'd need extra money in greece. so he says, with complete seriousness, that now i get $125 a month. and ellen and i both look at each other, wondering what in hades he is talking about. as it turns out, my parents both honestly thought i was getting $85 a month for allowance. how is that even possible? so who knows what my allowance will be next semester. it was really funny at first, and it's still mildly amusing, but i really wonder what my parents will end up deciding about it. i can only hope that, whatever they choose to give me, they accidentally include an extra $115 monthly. i mean, i played it.

so leave your taxi waiting
and turn and close my door
and sit back down where you were sitting
a little closer than before

when i'm back in searcy, i'm going to the clinton presidential library. ellen says she would love to go, i know robin would love to go, but who else? i'll allow everybody 5 sex jokes if they wanted to tag along... but really, after 5 you get a swift kick to the shin. i've never been to a presidential library before, and having one an hour away is pretty thrilling. look, i didn't ask for this hobby. leave me alone. =)

you think misery will make you
stand out from the crowd
but if you had walked past me today
i wouldn't have picked you out

speaking of which, desmond tutu is speaking in montgomery tomorrow. he's a south african minister, and the 1984 winner of the nobel peace prize. it's $100 per ticket to attend a special luncheon he'll be speaking at, but only $10 for a big assembly tomorrow night. i hope that katie and i can get seats. it would be so neat to be in the same room as him, and i'm sure he has a lot to say. see, other cities may have their fancy "concerts" and "stores", but we have nobel prize winners. yeah...

i've stopped my dreaming
i won't do too much scheming
these days, these days
these days i sit on corner stones
and count the time in quarter tones to ten
please don't confront me with my failures
i had not forgotten them

if i ever advance in the political arena, i think i'll really know that i've made it when rush limbaugh makes fun of me. maybe ann coulter could write a book about me. i hope she calls me heartless and subhuman. and diabolical! i think it's the same way for republicans when al franken makes fun of you - you've arrived.

now that i smile
now that i'm laughing even deeper inside
now that i see
now that i finally found the one thing i denied
it's now i know do i stay or do i go
and it is finally i decide
that i'll be leaving
in the fairest of the seasons

as i type this, an egg is making its way from my left ovary through my left fallopian tube towards my uterus. this is quite painful, but vengeance will come when i throw out all of the work my body is doing. guess what, ovaries: i may never have children!

sweet revenge.

man, airfrance is such a slut... my sister's flight out of paris got delayed for four hours, and so instead of her being here an hour ago, i'm going to pick her up tomorrow at about 11 in the afternoon. this is my oldest sister. her name is katie. she is twenty-five. she rocks my face off, which is a phrase that, frankly, i don't use very often. but really, it applies. she rocks. and she rolls. she's this genius girl, national merit scholar, graduated from college with a double major in anthropology and philosophy, taught english in japan for two years, did a year of grad work, and is now getting her masters in london at the university of london's school of oriental and asian studies. a masters in japanese. it's amazing. now she's applying to work for the state - at the foreign services. that is exactly the same job i was thinking about going for after college and maybe the peace corps. she and i share the same political sentiment, which is funny considering we're both looking into working for the federal government. but i believe in change from the inside. i'll be the intestinal parasite of america! woohoo...

to avoid future confusion, when i say katie, i am talking about my sister. when i say dubya, i am talking about katie wendt.

i know that a few hours really isn't that much of a difference in when i'll see her, since we would have been sleeping anyway, but i am SO close to her... haven't seen her since christmas. it's such a letdown after being SO ready to pick her up from the airport. i can't wait to hug her and booty dance with her and talk politics with her. and europe, oh my goodness, i'll be in london with her for a few weeks soon. so happy. but anyway. in short, this is how it feels to have to see my sister a day late:


you know, i actually took the above picture myself. those are my sunglasses. and there was no zoom on the camera, so i actually got that close. i didn't kill the frog myself, though. i'm kind to animals. see?:


yeah, that's a picture from my trip to australia when i was a sophomore in high school. i'm going crazy with pictures now that i found somebody besides angelfire to host them for me. angelfire may just meet with an accident soon. i mean, you know, karma and all.

yeah. ok, so, one more. my sister! katie! how can you not love somebody who wears your undergarments on their head? really, any of my friends at harding would adore her. she has this wit... 100x better than anything i have. gosh, she's incredible.

i made myself pretty today



digital cameras are fun, and posting pictures seems more interesting to me than posting thoughts.

josh is driving from searcy today. i will be excited to be reunited with my car. my dad is calling this our last day with ellen, for obvious reasons. but mom and ellen have made fun of him for saying that, because they don't understand. how could they not understand? not realizing how her relationship with us will change reflects a strange immaturity, which she will be cured of very soon. and as for my own immaturities, i'll have to get over them. or at least put them aside for the rest of this week. absolutely nothing can be about me. which means no sharing my opinions with anybody here, with the exception of my father. daddy and i seem to feel the same way in this situation, and we seem to be the only ones. it's going to be a happy day, but it's difficult to think about it right now because i really think ellen doesn't realize that she is losing anything. obviously she's gaining more than she's losing, but still. i'm feeling lost. but, like i said, it cannot be about me.

i picked up film yesterday - awesome picture of me kissing a camel at tupelo buffalo park and zoo. i wish i had a scanner. and i wish my dad would stop refering to the picture as "karyn's run with lesbian beastiality".

i'm tired of going through the same thing over and over again. i would rather have nothing than repeat this process. it's the scientific method a dozen times over with the same results. it's a recipe with a few interchangable ingredients, but the same unhappy product. it's every low-budget horror film, the genre that seems like it had the same 5 minutes of footage for the end of every movie.

i think i'll just fast-forward to the credits.
besides, i'll be in london soon.

so i won't expect a postcard from trafalgar square
but i'd be lying if i said i didn't care
because you can't just turn it off
and put a blindfold on your heart
but i'm off to a good start
a continent away
but i do not know

there he goes off to his room
to write that hit song,
"alone in my principles"

we got pictures back today of ellen's latest bridal shower. when i looked at them, i was kinda stunned at how alike ellen and i are in our facial expressions and mannerisms. we don't even plan it. it's nice to have somebody you've known for so long that you share this type of thing.






weird.

things are really ok now, but there's no telling how that could change when the whole wedding party gets here. i'm enjoying having ellen to hang out with, and this will be essentially the last time i get her all to myself. but it's the same old story, i guess. this is how things are supposed to happen. last night we watched some kids together... it was great fun. because ellen doesn't know how to cook, i finished making the dinner that was started for us. this means i got to cook with a grill for the first time. and it turned out really well; i was pleased. so i served the dinner, cleaned afterwards, it was funny. ellen doesn't really do those things - it seems to be our system that she just keeps me company and plays with the kids and i wouldn't really have it any other way. the kids were great... that's the one thing i will lament about leaving montgomery - i love this family. they have made me feel so incredibly welcome in an unfamiliar place. they brought me food when i was sick and my parents were out of town, and invited me to eat with them after i got better and my parents were out of town again. and they talk to me like i'm a real person. i'm going to remember that forever.

i woke up this morning, and my father was watching reagan's funeral on television. not only that, but he had the radio on in the other room, broadcasting the funeral as well. so we had this really eerie delayed surround sound of bush giving a eulogy... even i must say that he did a great job. i watched a press conference yesterday on television regarding the summit in atlanta. although he really didn't give clear answers to some of the questions, just like any politician, he was very charismatic (again, just like any politician. except howard dean. why, dean, why are you crazy?). i can understand how people would be drawn to him in that respect.

i mowed my lawn yesterday, and when i was all sweaty and nasty afterward i walked past ellen, sitting in the recliner in the living room. she said "i can't believe you mowed the lawn in thai silk boxers." so for those of you who cannot picture me doing any sort of manual labor, there you have it. silk boxers. of course, i'm the only member of my family right now physically capable of doing yardwork. ellen and dad both have problems with their arms, and we're all pretty sure that i gave mom mono. whoops.

i've been helping ellen out by writing some of her thank you cards for bridal shower gifts... it's hilarious that i get to write "josh and i". i can write one heck of a thank you card, though, since i took that etiquette course. they had a whole chapter about thank you cards. so i did come away from the class with some scattered knowledge of how to behave in modern society. nyah nyah nyah.

ellen's calling me to come help with cards again. more later.

actual car dealership commercial in the montgomery area:
"before my husband shipped off to baghdad, we bought our suv at larry puckett chevrolet!"

i'm not going to even begin to explain why that disturbs me. but it does. deeply and profoundly.

i might actually be a terrible person.

i had a baby.








welcome to my world.

what's fun about today?

-saying "two for flinching" the way a romanian madame might say it were she to say such a thing, and punching my sister when she hasn't even flinched (two for flinching would be a great band name)

-making my dad laugh when he's trying to get something done (he gets mad but can't stop laughing)

-taking my sister to get her driver's license renewed because she's not allowed to drive and i'm a highly unsafe driver right now ("i mean it, ellen, i'll kill us all if you don't let me play five iron frenzy")

-reacting to every slightly unattractive male by turning to ellen and saying "don't look now, but it's your boyfriend"

-showing my dad how to burn a cd (the student has become the teacher)

-pulling up beside a man at a red light after watching him throw a cigarette out his window, yelling at him to pick it up while ellen slouches and covers her face

-checking a xanga that somebody actually updated, with pictures!

-wearing the anklet dad bought me in india (it has dangly silver leaves and makes clinky noises when i walk around, like i'm esmeralda or something. no, not the disney version, the french version. the disney writers have no souls.)

-putting on a temporary tattoo of a rainbow and a cloud in a place where no lady would have that tattoo

-having a cat who loves to sit next to me on the couch while i type on my laptop

-having a watermelon baby (i hope i hope i hope i can post pictures later - i definitely took a lot)

things are so bizarre, so up and down. i'm going to try my best to explain how i am feeling for those who are interested to know. robin once told me about a friend of his who had "emo" friends, people who were so emo that they just listened to bright eyes all day and didn't leave their house for fear that the sun would go down while they were out - that would be too much for them to handle. that is exactly what it feels like to need something for your brain that you don't have.

it's not a movie, no private screening. this method acting, well, i call that living.

from the moment i rolled out of bed to early this afternoon, there were tears falling out my eyes. just falling. i wasn't really crying, because there was nothing real to cry about, but my eyes were releasing tears. i don't think it was enough for anybody to take notice of, because my family didn't say anything about it. it's so strange, however, to go through the day like that.

where's the kid with the chemicals? i've got a hunger i just can't seem to get full. i need some meaning i can memorize. the kind i have always seems to slip my mind.

my mom is almost finished with my bridesmaids dress, and when i tried it on today i reacted horribly. i went on and on to my family about how fat it made me look, about how nasty i felt in it and how it looked like ellen's homecoming dress from 9th grade. i said it made my body look horrible and i wasn't looking forward to wearing it, but that i would for ellen's sake. i didn't mean any of the things i said, but i still spewed it out like it was from the bottom of my heart. that's what it feels like to need something for your brain that you don't have - you constantly say things that you don't feel... nasty lies, ugly exaggerations, anything to emphasize the negative things. so after i wore it, with a sour look still on my face, i went into my room and just laid on my bed for a while, wondering why i could not stop myself from saying those things. i decided that i needed to apologize to my family - mom spent all those hours working on it and ellen had put forth so much effort to find a dress pattern that we would all love. and dad kept telling me how nice the dress was on me, and i just looked him in the face and told him he was wrong. so i got out of bed and went to the living room where my mom was sitting... "i'm sorry i said all of those awful things about the dress. i really like it, and i am excited about wearing it. i'm grateful for all of the time you put into it, and really i do want to wear it. i'm so sorry; i don't know why i say things that i don't feel and then don't say the things i do feel." and when i got incomprehensible and weepy, mom got up and hugged me for a long time. i don't hug my mom that often, because she and i in particular are not very touchy with each other, but today i knew that she understood. she understands what it's like to not be able to control yourself.

and now i don't know why, but i still try to smile when they talk at me like i'm just a child. well, i'm not a child. no, i am much younger than that.

and that drive that gateway sent me - i never sent them the replacement because i kept forgetting and then when i remembered i wasn't sure what steps i needed to take... they sent me a letter telling me i owed them $108 because i didn't return the defective part in time. and i gave the letter to my dad, and said that i shouldn't have to pay them anything because the new part they sent me didn't work with my computer either. and as soon as he didn't just do what i wanted, i just thought to myself that if i were ellen he would just take the letter out of my hand and make the problem disappear for me... that's an awful thing for me to think. and i treated him really badly about it, for as understanding as he generally is. i apologized for that later too. i need to take responsibility for things.

but all i do is just lay in bed and hide under the covers. i know i should be brave but i'm just afraid of all this change.

i'm so glad that i'm at home for all of this. as helpful as it would be for me to be around my friends, i am grateful that they won't experience how i act when i'm on the edge. i am not a nice person. i am not a nice person to anybody, no matter how much i actually like them. i don't even think i would be all that nice to katie. that would kill me; i can just imagine saying awful things and wanting to stop myself but being unable to. it's much better to be with my family - this is not new for them. it happened with my mom, it happened with my oldest sister, and then my second oldest sister. now it's me. they understand that i can't be any other way while i make these changes, and that i need something for my brain that i don't have. yet.

how grateful i was to them to be part of the mystery, to love and be loved. let's just hope that is enough.

i'm so glad that i can just type things out. i'm relieved to be able to communicate in this way... i can be honest. i don't have to stand outside of myself and wonder what i'm doing, and why i'm hurting the people i love. i actually do feel better.

so when I'm lost in a crowd, i hope that you'll pick me out. oh, how i long to be found.

i guess it seems really dramatic. that's another thing - everything has to be dramatic. every bad thing is the worst thing and every good thing has to somehow be terrible. my intellect know it's not real. so i guess that i know it's not me.

something true i have lacked and spent my whole life trying to make up for.
but i found in a song and in the people i love. they will lift me up out of darkness.

i can't wait until mom is finished hemming the last parts of my dress - i will post a digital picture of it. it's a beautiful color, and the skirt makes me feel like a princess. i don't think that any of my friends have ever seen me wear anything like it. i don't know if i've ever seen myself wear a dress like this. it's special.

because i don't know what tomorrow brings. it's alive with such possibilities. all i know is i feel better when i sing. burdens are lifted from me, that's my voice rising.

i don't have a comments option anymore, and i don't want a comments option. but it would be really helpful if you would e-mail me. it can change my days.

my boredom knows no bounds. i doubt a lot of you know what my room looked like back at college, but this is pretty much it. [not pictured: carrie sleeping in my bed... also, it's more authentic if you turn saves the day on while you look at it. make it loud.]



can you imagine us years from today?
sharing a park bench quietly
how terribly strange to be seventy

ronald reagan died today. it's too bad, but he had fought alzheimer's for a long time. maybe it was a relief for him.

today is ellen's birthday... we're going out for sushi to celebrate. i can't believe she's 20... i remember when she turned 10. i had just turned 8. and now i'm 18 and she's 20. i don't think i would say that time passes quickly, because it's been an eternity since i moved to florida, but it's fun that i have the capacity to remember and make that comparison.

i hope that her birthday can be special... we're all pretty worn out in the kiser house. i don't think she'll really enjoy it unless she gets to talk to josh, which i cannot blame her for. i can remember turning 17 and being the only kid at home, and feeling frustrated because it really didn't feel special. i don't want her to be frustrated. right now, she's in bed with a headache. birth control pills really mess you up sometimes. i wonder if it's worth it.

i need to remember that life is not an emo song, and that this hopelessness is manufactured by my mind, it's not real. "the bravest thing of all is always hope." but which karyn is actually karyn? stupid dramatic irrational karyn? or sedated karyn? which do i like better, or which do i like at all?

tracy chapman sings beautifully. she's so talented. i'm such a girl.

i've got a red hot heart
and if the talk is true yours is the same
and we should be together
and let our passions fan love's flame

i thought i'd won your heart when i held you hand in mine
i thought it was true love the way we complemented each other
but my right is your wrong
and when you're right then i'm left with nothing
your light and your heat have all been spent
leaving only smoke and ashes

jon came to see me today, because i'm in searcy. and five hours is better than twelve and a half hours.

i feel like i've been in a coma for the past twenty years, and i'm just now waking up.

ha, i'll bet you thought that was all i was going to say about that, you silly readers. we had a really fun day together, hanging out really casually and comfortably. and overwhelming comfort like that is really special to me, i don't get that from a lot of people in this world. and the people i do get it from i don't see much these days. we helped ellen out in her apartment some, watched american beauty, went to walmart, went to sonic, went to hastings, then drove around aimlessly for a while. finally, we just sat in the car half-napping and listening to music. whenever i watch that movie with somebody, i end up learning more about them. i always wait for the scene where ricky shoes jane the video tape of the bag in the wind - that transition from him asking if she wants to see the most beautiful thing he's filmed to them sitting together in front of a television... if people laugh at the transition, like it's supposed to be a punch line, like it's just some stupid ordinary thing that he's showing her, then i feel like i have learned something about them. if people just sit, and watch, and look closer, then i feel like i have learned something about them. and jon just watched. it was good. the more i watch it, the more it becomes my favorite movie.

do you know how lucky we are to have found each other?

the drive over here was absolutely the worst that it has EVER been... there was awful traffic right outside of birmingham, and it took me literally 30 minutes to drive two miles. not my idea of fun... and then i missed the exit in birmingham that was supposed to take me to tupelo. i was determined not to turn around, and got halfway to huntsville before locating an alternative route. the drive back to 78 (toward tupelo) was really lovely, though, i got to drive through a bunch of tiiiiny towns. i like the smalltown culture. but i think i probably have the type of fascination with it that would insult people who live in small towns... i like to watch them, as a scientist would watch lab mice. i just think that they way they live is so awesome, they live without giant chains corrupting their culture. no walmarts. perhaps they lament that, as i lamented it while on guam, but it is so... pure. unspoiled. refreshing.

there's nothing worse in life than being ordinary.

anyway, when i DID get to tupelo, it started raining like crazy. i had 1.5 working windshield wipers when i started out, and now it's down to roughly 1... working windshield wipers... sounds like a dr. seuss book. anyway, so that was not so good. and then when i was outside of memphis it started thundering and hailing and pooouring down rain. my back window came down about two inches in the middle of all of this, and i was so mad. i had to pull over and fix it. hail is bad, but hail is worse when it's inside your car. i was nervous it would dent my car, but they were only the size of marbles and my car is INDESTRUCTIBLE! except for that one dent and stuff. and several of the tires. and my wipers. but not counting those things, my car is simply majestic. like a moose.

i'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.

about 40 miles from bald knob, they're doing this awful little construction deal where it's down to one lane to be shared by both directions of traffic... i was completely stopped for a half and hour. i actually got out of my car, took some pictures, turned my car off, read a little... i was so close to searcy that i could taste it, so it was pretty much killing me.

and that's the day i knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever.

so it ended up being almost nine hours between montgomery and searcy. no good. and i realized when i arrived in searcy that i hadn't stopped for any meals. my appetite has decreased a lot since i was sick with mono... today i could only eat half of a chicken club toaster (a travesty, i know!), and i only managed one of my tots (sick and wrong, i know!)... maybe this will work to my advantage. not that it really means anything to anybody but myself, but i've gone down one belt loop since robin and i broke up. i always eat less when i end a relationship because i don't leave my room as much, and for some reason i'm just continuing like this. it's good though, and actually pretty healthy. for the 1,000th time, i will be svelte!

it's like God's looking at you, just for a second. and if you're careful you can look right back.

so tomorrow it's another full day of driving. hopefully i can get back in town early enough to continue my lord of the rings marathon. i really like movies. when a movie is well done, it can really affect you. i think i'm the type of person who is susceptible to that. maybe i'm just really susceptible to propaganda.

it's a great thing when you realize that you still have the ability to surprise yourself.

you know, i spend an awful lot of time wondering if my opinions are wrong, perhaps because i feel such opposition. but i'm beginning to realize that the more i consider the possibility that i am incorrect, the more fine-tuned my opinions become. it's really helping me, as much as i hate it and would change it in a heartbeat. but there are a lot of things we would change about our lives, and it's probably better that we can't. imagine if we tried to run things ourselves - like fif's song "a flowery song". "what's good and bad flows from the hands of the God with the perfect plan..." five iron has a song for every occasion. i made jon listen to so much five iron in the car... i can't help it, i have an unhealthy obsession. maybe they'll come and play a reunion show at my wedding reception. file that under "karyn gets ahead of herself." i mean, it makes sense, since reese roper will be the groom. file that under "siiiiiigh". reese, why are you 11 years older than me? why, oh why?

ha, i am 12.

i guess i could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to be angry when there's so much beauty in the world. sometimes, i feel like i'm seeing it all at once, and i can't take it. my heart swells up like a balloon that's about to burst.

but then i remember to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it. and then, it flows through me like rain and i feel nothing but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

you have no idea what i'm talking about, i'm sure. but don't worry.

you will someday.

i just got back from teresa's house... watched the second half of the fellowship of the ring, and started the two towers. there's definitely something to be said for watching a series like that in order in a short period of time. marathons are fun. they give you purpose. for a few hours, at least. all i have is time.

speaking of being a complete and total failure at life, is episode three ever going to come out? golly.

i can't wait to see garden state. same vein as eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, i believe, and comes out in select cities at the very end of july. why, oh why do you come out so late? i sure hope honolulu is one of the select cities, otherwise it's going to be an expensive movie ticket, + $1000 for the plane ride. but anchorman comes out in early july. there is hope for me yet. aw, crap, i'll be in london. when you are my age, you are starved of love. well, you know, cinematic love.

i don't know if y'all know this or not, but i've been beating the freecell games in order ever since i came to college... windows xp has a million, i believe, so i've got my work cut out for me. anyway, now i'm in the 1190's, and i must say that of all the hundreds of games i've played there are the most difficult. why yes, yes i am a dork. wonder no more what i was doing when i disappeared all the time last semester after/during dinner. i was sitting with my computer, my eyes glazing over in the warm glow of my laptop. oh rapture.

i went to my father's graduation this morning. i got all dressed up, actually, make-up and a bow in my hair and everything. it's nice to have something to dress up for. what's that? prom? no, i never went to prom. heh. =) anyway, i must admit that i absolutely positively and in all other ways (sigh) adored returning to the military atmosphere. yeah, so i listen to anti-flag... yeah, so i have a lot of issues with the military and the government in general... yeah, so i'm one of those people. but i'm also a military daughter, which is a whole issue altogether. i had missed the structure of it all, the (gasp!) anthem being sung all the time and knowing when to stand, when to sit, when to put your hand over your heart, when to stand at attention... watching people salute. watching my father salute. and the uniforms, i missed that too. my dad wore his chocker whites, which none of you have ever seen, i believe, but that is my absolute favorite uniform of his. much nicer than the khakis. just picture an ice cream man, with a nice white uniform and a big white hat. and when he walked across the stage i yelled "that's my dad!", and he was beaming. he says over and over again that he's so happy that i'm proud of him. it's funny, because being that i am teenage girl, i am in need of constant reassurance; for my father, it is the same way. he needs me to tell him that i am proud of him... it's not hard, though, because i am unbelieveably proud. really, all adjectives are inadequate here. so i'm shocked to feel this way, i suppose, shocked to feel so rooted in military tradition. when i told one of my friends that i wanted to join the foreign service and work for the state, he said i would be a whore for bush. obviously bush will not be president if i ever reach that point in my life (unless it's one of his daughters... Lord, help us.), so i'm not worried about becoming his "whore", as charles so poetically stated it. the more i consider that, though, the more comfortable i become with that idea. i could survive following orders. i have faith in people. ...well, most people.

the speaker at the graduation ended by saying "go and be the types of commanders you always wanted to work for." i think that's a great way of approaching leadership. that's a great way of approaching anything. and it's straight from the Bible. treat people the way you would have them treat you.

tomorrow morning i am leaving for searcy... i'll stay wednesday night, thursday night, and then return to montgomery on friday. i'm not looking forward to being in searcy without all of the faces i associate with harding, but i think it could really psychologically help me part with harding before i go off and travel. ellen was able to move her things into her new apartment today, but i think i'll be staying with the wryes. i can't believe i'm going to drive eight hours by myself again... i think that i can handle it, though, and listen to bright eyes without falling apart.

which brings karyn to her next point... she has not taken her medication in over a week now, and has not experienced any headaches lately, or any other of her common withdrawal symptoms. (no withdrawal symptoms, that is, except that her legs are shaking more than normal, but she's not too worried about that.) so she, under the watch of a physician (a flowery word for "dad"), has decided to discontinue taking prozac and see how things go. there is enough time between now and the wedding for her to recover if indeed she crashes and burns. the nature of prozac, however, is that it carries you from one stage in your life to the next. it is a bridge, a means by which karyn has been able to get from her sister leaving for college to adjusting for her own college experience. she hopes very strongly that she can do well without its help. she requests the prayers of her friends, though, because her brain is a creation of God, and she has a fervent belief that any of its imbalances are within the realm of His power. not to say that He will magically cure her, but that He could give her the strength and peace to overcome the obstacles given to her.

i really love you guys. every day, all of the time, unconditionally, no matter how far apart we are and no matter what struggles our lives hold, i honestly love you.

like a robot. =)

today was a blissful day.

i talked to him on the telephone today, which was the first time i believe, except for some scattered phone calls to the dorm. it was so nice to have a voice instead of words. it's totally not going to go anywhere, but that's ok. why does everything have to go places. i think i'm actually happy.

so i took a picture of my uncomfortable but adorable shoes. and if you don't think they are adorable, then you are subhuman. not that i'm one to judge.


is it wrong of me to like bob dylan singing "all along the watchtower" more than jimi hendrix singing it? if that's wrong, then i don't want to be right. people shouldn't cover bob dylan. ESPECIALLY not rage against the machine. maggie's farm. horrible horrible horrible. i weep for humanity.

i hung out at teresa's house today, which was a whole lot of fun. i took her kids to sonic so that she could go shopping. she has a 3 yr old (who is adorable), a 7 yr old (who is also adorable), and an 8 yr old (who has a raging crush on me, but who is nonetheless ALSO adorable). the 7 year old, josiah, is autistic, and so whenever he talks to me it is honestly thrilling. today i came in and said "hello josiah", not really expecting a response, and he walked up to me and said "hi there!" then he proceded to wipe rain droplets off of my face, while repeating to himself "dry, dry, dry"... it was so great. it made me really really happy. it makes me feel like i can do anything.

so i went back and hung out with my parents around 4, when they finally got back from florida. i told my father about how i took the kerry sticker off of my car after that strange boy made me cry, and he seemed really disappointed in me. i told him about how i feel like i can't park my car in a church parking lot when it has that sticker on it. he said (pretty sternly, i was surprised) "you should put that back on your car and be proud of it. it's important to fill that role, and show people that it's not unanimous." then dad and i shared this really meaningful moment, that makes me chuckle now, but really it was so touching to me, and so important. he said "do you know how many 'impeach nixon now more than ever' stickers were taken off of my car? and i had a pile of them, and i just kept putting them back on." it's so funny how we are exactly the same person. everything that bugs me about him is everything that bugs me about myself. but i'm so proud of him. tomorrow he graduates from the air war college, picking up yet another masters... this one's in strategic studies, but we refer to it as his degree in "strategery". i get to wear my uncomfortable shoes to the graduation ceremony. oh, joy of joys. =) anyway, long story short, i found my second kerry sticker. i only have two, so i can't blow it this time.

one more picture. this one demonstrates how summer karyn is hot because summer karyn has no dress code. what's that, a tattoo? nobody here cares. booyah, harding.


soon i will be svelte. nothing will be impossible.