attention! the comment option on my blog has returned. so instead of whining about how you can't comment, why not just leave a little note to make me smile? excellent choice.

today was grood! i mean good... and great. great and good!

but first, a few things.

i wish that the person who has called my cell phone two nights consecutively, but whose number is private and therefore not displayed, would try a little harder to get in touch with me. i have no idea who you are, but it's probably a wrong number since i didn't give my cell number to many people. but seriously, who tries calling just once and gives up? imagine this... i'm at a store, reading greeting cards. and i think, about the elevator music they were playing, "wow, this part of the song sounds a lot like my ringtone. except, a muffled version. OH CRAP!" and of course i do not answer in time. so whoever you are, even though you statistically will never see this, call back. jerk. besides the sheer shame of being a yuppy, that is the worst part about cell phones - when somebody calls you and you miss the call and you have no idea who it was. i guess that's the problem with phones in general. but i've written way more about that then i had originally intended, so i'm done now.

see, i don't even remember what else i was going to talk about.

oh yeah, i want to get another tattoo, of course. and i have another tattoo idea. and it's a darned good idea. so basically, if i don't date anybody in greece, i'll reward myself with another tattoo. because i am pretty much agreeing with kraus on this one. so if i were to meet anybody, they would be worth about $100 to me. is it this bad to get so many things permanently etched on my body? but i really do like them. i can't wait to get my feet touched up. i can't wait to go to searcy! adam is picking me up, because he is way cool. and he's just going to have to deal with it when i smell awful from sitting on a plane forever. hooray!

anyway.

my day was grood because i met hardy spoehr (the director of the native hawaiian health board) for lunch, and he bought me - yes- eel sushi! siiiiiigh. so i knew right then and there that i needed to pursue this volunteer position. and he let me tour the facility, and pointed out some things i could help with. it was awesome beyond awesome. i start on monday, and i am so excited! i get my own desk, because two people are on maternity leave right now and they just happen to have a free desk for me. i'm going to edit some articles that will appear in the next edition of the journal that the board publishes: the pacific health dialog. zing! i am so excited to be doing something meaningful, if only for the next 5 weeks.

my day continued to be grood because my parents took me to this huge food court in a huge mall in waikiki for dinner, and i got to eat katsudon for dinner! it's my absolute favorite japanese meal ...egg over onion and rice with a pork cutlet on top... so good. and i hadn't had it since i lived on guam. and now i can go to a mall food court and buy it! and i also bought sushi to go along with my katsudon. also, on our way out of the mall, we passed a japanese bakery, and i saw melon bread for sale! it's a japanese type of bread that's shaped like a melon (it doesn't taste like that, although it's very sweet), and i haven't been able to have since i was in japan. i was too full to buy some, but i will definitely return. and it's near my work.

i'll probably be working 9-3 monday, tuesday, thursday, and friday.

i can't believe that i have my own desk, and i'll have my own responsibilities, and i'll do funny things like get my parking validated. i hope it all works out. =)

the time change is really no fun. now it's 10:20 pm for me and it's 3:20 am in arkansas. i'm just waking up. i'd like to call somebody, just to talk for a while about life.

it's a full moon tonight, the second full moon this month! that's supposed to happen about once every 33 months or so. pretty cool. i hope that the mainland got to enjoy that as much as i have. it's beautiful, but i miss you guys. that, and i love the vandals.

baby i'm more than a little concerned you see
about the New World Order conspiracies
and the covert spreading of deadly disease
they've got earthquake machines and ufo's
and black helicopters wherever we go
but i forget them all when you are with me

they can telepathically monitor my mind
i'm not scared of what they'll find
let them do what they're gonna do
'cause if the government can read my mind
they know i'm thinking of you

they've got secretly funded internment camps
and biological warfare labs
but when you look at me they all don't seem so bad
they've got martian-traded technology
and mind-control psychology
i'll let them do what they wanna do
'cause if the government can read my mind
they know i'm thinking of you

i could stockpile food and join a militia
but i'd rather stay at home and kiss ya
let them do what they're gonna do
'cause if the government can read my mind
they know i'm thinking of you

matty's away message: "i wish the world was flat like the old days and i could travel just by folding a map." darned straight, dude. i'm sorry that you have to be away from your girlfriend. but i'm glad that we can exchange random adult swim quotes. i'm glad things really haven't changed.

you know, i got to talk to my friend charles the other day.  we hadn't really talked for a few months.  and yes, we mostly just joke around, but i really really cherish even the stupid joking that we're able to share.  anyway, the point is, charles noticed that i think a lot more highly of myself now than i did when i had first met him.  what i mean to say is, when i was in high school i really didn't think i was anything too special.  but when i became friends with him, he was really good for me about that.  people can tell you good things about yourself constantly, but for some reason you just don't believe them.  and then God sends you somebody that you really listen to.  i really believe that charles was a gift i received from God.  and he's such an incredible person.  it's so strange to me, too, that he chooses now not to believe in the God that i know sent him to my side.  and every conversation we have, i am that giddy 15 year old that i was when i first met him.  it's funny. 

come to think of it, here are my high school friends.  not all of them, but i spent many months hanging out with these four.  and i just happen to have this nice picture of them.  =)


from left to right, this is zach, phil, charles, and james.

lots of you guys probably know james, from seeing him around harding.  unfortunately he's not going there anymore, but he was there for a year.  he's engaged to one of my first suitemates.  i hope that i can go to their wedding, which will take place in january.

some of you might have also met zach, who spent his spring break visiting james and me at harding.  he is a wonderful guy.  i'm amazed at how close we've been able to stay since he goes to college in florida and i'm in arkansas.  he calls and talks to me online.  i'm terrible at keeping in touch, so that's really a credit to how cool he is.

charles and phil are twins, if you couldn't tell.  they're awesome.  they got me into political punk.  and adult swim.  they would tape aquateen hunger force and sealab 2021 and home movies and all of those great shows, and we'd watch it.  also, they played awesome text rpg's with me.  which sounds really geeky, but hey - i'm a geek.  anyway, for all of their basic human flaws, they are two of the best people i have ever met.  i wish we could talk more, but it just hasn't worked out that way. 

i guess that the point of all of this is that i feel like my high school and college lives have been so separated, and i don't really like that. 

i used to call them "the guys" or "my boys".  it was so great.  i don't think that they know now how much i love them, and how much i wish we could hang out together again.  i just feel so blessed to have met such special and deeply wonderful people.  i guess it's my fault that i haven't really told them how much i cherish them.  i know that james checks my blog from time to time.  james, i love you.  i'm so glad that i moved to guam and we met each other.  =)

sigh.  yes.  since my posts have been pretty dumb lately, here are a few wedding pictures.  the photographer was absolutely amazing.  i love her.

the bridesmaids and the bride... this picture is funny, because you can see my tattoos if you know they're there.


i'm making a silly face, because i'm putting on make-up.  but it's awesome how the photographer manipulated the color in the photo.  she is the bomb.


and these are all of my sisters.  i love them.  adrienne, ellen, me, and katie. 


tonight i love the entire world.  i hope that everybody is happy.  =)

i received both of these messages within 5 minutes of each other. lovely.

docgerbalsworld: if you were a grandma
docgerbalsworld: id be like hey what you doin tonight gram

SwordSheepNo1: you doin' anything tonight? 
SwordSheepNo1: cause im gonna sex you up
SwordSheepNo1: i mean, take you out for a nice dinner and have you home by 8

yes.  anyway.

i just got off the phone with my potential employer at the native hawaiian health board, although "employer" is a bit misleading since i'll only be volunteering.  he'll be off-island for the next two days, but i'm meeting with him for lunch on friday.  he's going to show me around the facility, and i can get a glimpse of the sorts of things i could be contributing to.  it's not a clinic; they're more into the research end of things.  and he asked what i was specifically interested in, and i told him that i was a political science major... apparently, i can talk to the lawyer on staff and help out with definitions of sovereignty in regards to health consultations.  i'm not sure exactly how sovereignty applies to health consultations, but doesn't it sound fun?  woohoo!  this will be the closest thing to a job interview that i've experienced, although he said that i am welcome to join their team if i so desire. 

i'll be here for two more summers.  who knows.

when people are packed together so tightly in my life, i can't make a single move without stepping on some toes.

every interior decorating or craft show on hgtv before 12 p.m. has a really pathetic powerpoint into. but my mom loves them all. and, to be honest, i like half of them. but i'll never tell you which half.

anyway, make sure this isn't you (i'm trying to make sure it's not a mirror image of me):


by the way, did you know that 49 million minutes is approximately 93.227 years?

what is it about law & order that is so completely captivating? maybe it's the clink clink noise. really, i know that i have better things to do. but still, my father and i are sitting here with our laptops in our laps and our eyes glued to the television. what a commentary on america today.

i bought the franz ferdinand cd tonight, before ever having listened to them. and it's still just sitting here next to me. i'll listen to it when i'm in bed. i've gone out on a limb to assume that it's not horrible. but $11.00 isn't such a big investment; truly, i am living life on the edge.

my parents actually came to see anchorman with me today, which was a big pot of fun. the whole thing, as my father commented, was a giant snl sketch. it was a bit slow in the beginning, leaving me a bit concerned after having paid $8.00 for the priviledge of seeing it. and was it particularly morally redeeming? no. am i a better person for having experienced it? no. but it took me away from hawaii for a good hour and a half. it's really not so terrible being here, and i know that i should count myself lucky. and i'm sure that at the end of this particular part of my life, i will look back and fully understand what i gained. until then, i will allow myself the luxury of complaining on my silly little blog.

i am not incredibly excited about church tomorrow, which is strange. people should not go to church because it entertains them; this i understand. but church should be a place where you feel embraced and loved. i have, admittedly, only been to this church twice (once when i was in transit from guam over a year ago, and once last week), but i see echoes of my church on guam. spiritually, it was very difficult to attend that church, where i wasn't really embraced. it's not awful in hawaii, it's not sour or unloving... i'm not sure what my problem is. i think i just miss worshipping in searcy - the familiarity of the building and the warmth of the people.

one thing i really learned in my old testament class was the importance of a relationship between people on earth as well as a relationship with God - something horizontal as well as vertical. in hawaii, it's all vertical for me, save my parents. hopefully that will all change. i'll try. and i'm confident that the will of God won't take me where the grace of God can't keep me. my dad has a little button that says that in his office: "the will of God will not take you where the grace of God cannot keep you."

it's the story of my life. it's the story of everybody's life.

through a garden overgrown
oh -- it's a long walk home...
i said i'd not come back
well i'm coming back
and you'd better be alone

mewithoutyou is... superior.

katie wendt is still my hero.  and she's still your hero, too.

sooo... hawaii is fun. 

just kidding.  but it's as fun as a place could possibly be when you haven't met anybody and don't have any of your belongings with you. 

what in the world am i doing?  i guess i'm just going ahead and doing what i tried so hard to avoid.  you guys, i'm going to greece.  my "stop caring" switch needs to be flipped to on.  but i haven't felt this right all summer.

my dad spent the afternoon complaining about either (1) the insurance payments he's going to make on my car while i'm in greece and subsequently not driving it, or (2) the bill he got from harding for my overseas semester which was reportedly steeper than he had originally anticipated.  honestly, i would rather he sold my car and i stayed in searcy than for him to harbor such monetary angst about either of those things.  it's just money.  money is money.  we're not short of it.  and i don't mean to sound like i think it's great to just throw money around, but i don't think money should ever become so important that we spend our time being upset about it.  or that we would ever have to spend our time that way, perhaps.  i know that dad is just surprised about my tuition bill and a little miffed that he's making payments on a car we don't need for four months, and i suppose i can't fault him there.  i'm just so taken aback that he seems at all concerned about money.  i have never once seen either of my parents so concerned about that.  i wonder if that's just a temporary thing.

i hope that a lot of things in my life right now are temporary. 

but i love God.  and God always is.  and i want that to be more real to me every single day.

ladies and gentlemen, i have business cards.

the lovely people at www.vistaprint.com will give you 250 for free, shipping not included.  dad was ordering some and said, "hey, do you want some business cards?"  of course i do, dad.  that's a silly question.

now i can finally make use of the age-old phrase "here's my card".

"tear in your hand" has surpassed "silent all these years" as my favorite tori amos song.

all the world just stopped now
so you say you don't want to stay together anymore
let me take a deep breath babe
...
by the way, i don't believe you're leaving
'cause me and charles manson like the same ice cream
i think it's that girl
and i think there are pieces of me you've never seen
maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen

i listened to it over and over again on the plane from chicago to honolulu.  it honestly has no connection to any situation involving males in my life currently, just to clear up any potential misinterpretation.  i just think it's incredible - the way she sings it, the words she has strung together.  it's so insightful to think of another woman as being pieces of yourself that he hasn't yet seen.

my senior pictures and the pictures from the wedding are posted on the internet right now.  there are 90 different shots for me to choose from when i order my pictures.  i'm excited.  looking at 90 different pictures of myself and picking my favorite might be absolutely the most self-indulgent thing i could do. 

i'm in hawaii now.

it's not like anything i had expected.  i've been to this duty station before, when i was just traveling, so it's not a great shock; i didn't realize, however, how detached i would feel from everybody else.  i'm confident that i'll feel better when i meet some people.  it's wednesday, so maybe i can go to church tonight.  i would love that.  i was in the air last sunday morning.

wow, i just looked at ellen's wedding pictures.  you guys, my sister is beautiful.

i don't know why, but this reminds me of the man who sat in front of me for the eight-hour flight.  there were two young guys sitting next to him, and he kept making comments to them like "just think of all the girls you'll see" or "it's so great, especially at your age".  and he finished with "don't forget: protection is important.  wear a raincoat!" raincoat?  ugh.  please sir, stay at home next time.  you frighten me, deeply and profoundly.

i have a long, skinny bruise on my stomach.  can anybody guess why?  yes yes, i ran into the edge of a car door.  it takes a special kind of talent to do that... and you can't teach that - you're born with it.  i'm special.  ralph wiggum special.

a big, empty room is good for dancing.  and with the echo, i don't even need to turn up the volume on my laptop all that much. 

oh by the way - my dad bought me a cell phone. 

i didn't eat yesterday
          and i'm not going to eat today
                and i'm not going to eat tomorrow
                      'cause i'm going to be a supermodel!

do you know what's great?  setting windows media player to shuffle its way through my bob dylan playlist.  i love that man.  bob dylan has never let me down.  bob dylan loves me unconditionally.  bob dylan... would be really freaked out by my blog.
 
oh no.  now it's playing "it ain't me, babe".  is bob dylan trying to tell me something?
 
you say you're looking for someone
who's never weak but always strong
to protect you and defend you
whether you are right or wrong
someone to open each and every door
but it ain't me babe
no no no
it ain't me babe
it ain't me you're looking for, babe
 
you don't mean that, bob.  wait, what's that you say?
 
everybody must get stoned!
 
ok.  that's about enough of that.  and, for the record, the songs really did play in that order.
 
in ten short hours, i am flying to hawaii.  i'm so anxious to see my father again; i'm happier when he's around.  and i'm anxious to see the house i'll be not-quite-living-in.  it's sad, though, that i won't really see the house until christmas.  i mean that, our stuff won't get to hawaii until long after i've gone to greece.  so it's just an empty house now, with some boonie (guamese for "loan") furniture.  at any rate, there are reportedly a lot of people my age there.  that's hopefully going to be a blessing for me.  there is always something thrilling about moving - the possibility of starting over.  it's such a big advantage for military kids, especially when you're awkward and young.  i might always be the former.  and i'm really looking forward to living on a military base again.  i don't know why - it's not really all that different except you have to show your i.d. to get in everywhere.  it's just comforting for me, i suppose.  very familiar.  especially a tropical base.  i don't think i'll be burdened with feeling out of place.
 
if all else fails, i can go to the gym everyday.  and the pool.  or heck, the ocean.  i would love to work off the weight i've probably gained from my travels.  what is happening to me? 
 
mom and i are both sick now.  we're definitely ready to be in hawaii.  i'd like to sleep for days.  how about a month...?  or maybe just the next few years.  somebody wake me up for the good parts.  jon told me that is escapism.  life isn't anything to escape from; i know that.  i'm just really tired. 
 
when we were on the train in london on our way to the airport, my sister leaned over to my mother and asked, thinking i could not hear, "is she always this mopey?"  i looked at her and said, "i'm tired, i'm sad, i'm sick, i miss my father, i miss my friends, i don't have a home right now, and i'm confused about boys.  i think i'm doing pretty well."
 
i still think i'm doing pretty well.  i don't have much wind in my sails these days, but i'm doing pretty well.  i still believe the words of the marquee outside the pharmacy somewhere in tennessee - "life is not perfect, but it is good."
 
we are accepted and loved by God.  dandelions - You see flowers in these weeds.  i'm sorry that i haven't made the time to thank You lately.  but i can see Your hand in my life and i know You're all around me.
 
carrie - a song reminds me of you.  "something like laughter" by my beloved five iron frenzy.  whenever i hear it, it's my prayer for you.  i love you and i miss you and i know that you will be given strength.  i'm far away, but a piece of me is definitely with you.  i know it sounds corny, but it's so incredibly true.

so.
 
i went to see spiderman 2 on opening night here.  to quote my sister katie, "for a minute there, i thought i was going to have to rip out my heart with my own hand."  i already knew the ending, because a very special friend told me upon my request, but it was still frustrating.  and sure, if this was the last movie, we could assume it ended happily.  but come on, we all know what happens in the comic book.  spiderman 3 is going to leave theater floors covered in manually-removed human hearts.  they did a nice job of making mj's other man really attractive and likeable, and then giving him absurdly bad hair at his wedding.  it  made me feel less sorry for him.
 
i'm sick.  i invariably become sick when i'm in a place i should be enjoying.  i sneezed this morning, and it had the most awe-inspiring results.  i mean that in the grossest and worst way possible.  i hope you still like me alright.
 
i've visited the british museum since last time i posted... i got to see the rosetta stone, which was fun.  smaller than i had thought, from the pictures i'd seen.  and i was able to see the parts of the parthenon that the british won't give back to the greek (because it would so severely devalue the museum, and because "the greeks don't have the proper facilities"... pish posh), so i can say in a few months that i've seen the parthenon in its entirety.  the whole egypt section reminded me so much of katie, and i even ended up seeing some things that i had helped her memorize that one time we studied her art history flash cards together.  that was fun.
 
the production of romeo and juliet was absolutely wonderful,  if you don't count the fact that i stood up for three (3!) hours... it was performed in a very refreshing way, with the unhappy couple portrayed as silly kids rather than star-crossed lovers.  i believe that shakespeare intended that, the silly kids interpretation.  juliet was supposed to be about 14.  romeo was... wow.  devastatingly handsome.  and i'm not sure if it was because he was up on a stage performing this amazing piece or if he was actually attractive.  it's funny how such things color our perception.
 
on the way home from the theater where we saw spiderman 2, katie and i found ourselves waiting for a bus.  and she told me that boys are like buses.  you wait and wait and wait for one, and then they all come at once.  she said there was a poem about that.  i'd like to find it, i think.
 
oh, and i bought another pair of shoes.  what is wrong with me?  but they're so excruciatingly cute. 
 
and i saw st. peter's.  as soon as i walked up to it, i realized that i had been there when i was 11.  i remember that image vividly.  it was nice to revisit... it gives one a sense of continuity.  it was the same way when i saw rodin's the kiss.  i had seen it before - when i was in singapore - and i hope to see it again. 
 
even though it seems like an eternity, three and a half months isn't that long of a time.  my stay in greece will be as long as i had to stay away from everybody for the summer, so i think that when i visit harding and have to say goodbye again, it won't be so bad.  i'll understand exactly what i'm getting into, how long i'll be away.  september 16 - december 9?  that's not much time.  so i should stop mourning this trip and start looking forward to it.  for some reason, i'm nervous about spending some time at harding before i go.
 
i wonder what will happen if my grandmother dies while i'm in greece.  we are not expecting her to make it through the end of the year.
 
i'll be in dc in two days.  matt, if we are able to get together then we should see anchorman so i can understand all of the nonsensical quotes everybody is throwing at me. 
 
who's up for paris over spring break?  that would be so great... papa... est-ce que vous pourriez me donner notre f.f.m., s'il vous plait?  (ellen, was that right?)
 
love love love

what is there to report, really.

i've been passing the time by translating songs into french. the french word for "dandelion" is "pissenlit". beautiful. and "enamel" is apparently "email". which, of course, looks like "e-mail". which is, of course, funny.

went and saw ladykillers with david and katie, which i had not planned to do. and had not originally wanted to do. but i'm glad i did, because david was good company and the movie was appropriate to my mood. he stayed until midnight having a drink with us, and we watched a bit of this awful show - "101 things removed from the human body". yikes. and everything, of course, was platonic. you know the drill.

i left the isle of wight and now i'm in london. went to the tate modern art museum today. loved it more than my present enthusiasm would suggest. gave 50 p. to a homeless man. bought a used book of poetry from a street vendor for 1.5 pounds. bought tickets to see romeo and juliet on friday. it's fun to be at my sister's flat. it's fun that she even has such a thing - a flat.

i've been thinking about the future. it's as useless as thinking about the past sometimes. i'm glad that i have that book of poetry now to ease me to sleep tonight. i really am having a good time; i don't know why sitting down at the computer prompted this strange melancholy.

separation

your absence has gone through me
like thread through a needle.
everything i do is stitched with its color.

w.s. merwin

why are my posts always so long and everybody else's are so short? does that mean that nobody bothers with this?

contrast and compare
between the busy ones and the ones who don't care
until there is no one that you really know

i'm feeling very much as if life were a bright eyes song. i'm becoming consistently disappointed and dissatisfied. and the people who drag me out of that are nowhere near me. it's really starting to bother me that i am not allowed the chance to pick one place and stay there. maybe i'll be one of those people who emerges from a semi-nomadic lifestyle and resolves never to travel again. and i'll unpack and finally stay put.

so i drift through these days
of appointments and promises made
they'll all end up broken and quickly replaced

but here is the lobster story. a friend of steve (the man i'm staying with) checked steve's lobster traps for him, and there just happened to be a lobster. when the friend came to the house to drop off the lobster, only mom and i were home, and i was dead asleep. he announced to mom that she needed to cook the lobster right away... well, my mother grew up in west texas, where there is basically no water. she had no concept of how to cook a lobster (and, in all fairness, neither would i). unfortunately, her best guess fell tragically short of the proper cooking method... instead of dropping the lobster in a pot of boiling water, she dropped the lobster in a pot of water and brought it to a boil. apparently the dying lobster made several escape attempts, which prompted yelps from my mother that i've been informed really should have woken me up. fortunately, i was off elsewhere, dreaming about things that are almost lovely. see what i mean about this emo mood. anyway, suffice it to say that mom won't eat any lobster and becomes excruciatingly defensive and pouty when anybody mentions how she dealt the crustacean a cruel, inhumane death. i'm personally expecting to hear the unmistakeable tapping of an angry lobster mob at any moment. or at least some stinky hippies.

weeks are slow, days drag on
even practice and parties seem long
but i've found myself going
i guess there's nothing to do
oh well

we went to church yesterday, which was the first time in three weeks i've had that opportunity. it was very nice - i'm not sure why the act of attending a church service makes me feel so renewed lately. (well, you know, i suppose it's the Holy Spirit, which perhaps i had not felt for a spell) sunday has become my favorite day of the week. there was a small band there, which was interesting, and we happened to be taking communion that day. they had a long kneeling bench at the front of the auditorium, and a railing to place your hands on, palms up and fingers outstretched. it was so wonderful to be accepting the body and blood of Christ from the hands of an elderly woman, who whispered "the body of Christ. for you." i greatly prefer kneeling for communion, but that's not quite something one should expect to do in searcy, arkansas. it gives you more of a sense of approaching God, something not quite as passive as collecting crackers and grape juice from a tray passed to you while you sit. but it's just a personal preference, really, and what happens between a person and God during any method of taking communion is entirely their business.

group of kids, line of cars
more will show up after the bars are closed
there's this boredom that drowns everything

at church i met a nice family, with two brothers and one sister, (21, 18, and 16, respectively). the 18 year old was not quite a social entity, but the 21 year old (david) and 16 year old (jenny) were kind enough to spent the afternoon as my rescuers. they came around, and we walked their dog down the beach and got to know each other. jenny just finished the massive exams that every british student must take, the type that decide, more or less, what the rest of your life will offer you. david just finished his third year at a university in york, where he studies engineering. he hopes to work for unicef for a few years, i believe, or something to that effect. they seem like a typical british family, which is fantastic because i am a typical america. david and katie even persuaded me to try "proper" english tea (david informed me that lipton doesn't count as real tea, and also that if i put sugar in it then it's hardly recognizable as tea, all of which seemed quite unfair to me). so my curiosities were satisfied, and i'm content to drink sweet iced tea from here on out.

bottles break, music plays
conversations competing for space
i look for a corner or a quieter room

pam and katie came with me to see an amateur production of shakespeare's as you like it. it was frustrating to watch somebody else deliver the lines that i once delivered, because no two interpretations are the same, but it was extremely entertaining. i love theater. i love the challenge it offers. but i'll probably never perform anything at harding. besides just the ongoing performance of being myself. goodness. at any rate, allow me to share a bit from the play:

phebe: good shepherd, tell this youth was 'tis to love

silvius: it is to be all made of sighs and tears...
it is to be all made of faith and service...
it is to be all made of fantasy,
all made of passion and all made of wishes,
all adoration, duty, and observance
all humbleness, all patience and impatience
all purity, all trial, all observance
and so am i for phebe

truly, shakespeare is wonderful. in london, i'll have the opportunity to visit the newly renovated globe theater, where all of his plays were originally performed. there is a showing of romeo and juliet. what an awesome thing to see...

there's no heat in this house
i can't breathe with these words in my mouth
but i'm not going to say them
yeah i've made that mistake before
on the stairs she grabs my arm
says "what's up, where you been, is something wrong?"
i try to smile and say everything's fine

when i sit down to compose a post (i suppose it could be called compost), i can immediately tell how long it is going to be depending upon how many thoughts are flowing through me. this is going to be long... long posts seem more for myself than anybody else. but good luck regardless.

let's sail away past the noise of the bay
let's sail away past the birth and death of the day

england is like a dream. i think it's jetlag.

let's sail away
to where the blues and greens swirl into grey
let's sail away

i am currently on the isle of wight, right off the southern tip of britain. we're visiting a family very dear to us... the mother, pam, was a student at texas a&m while i lived in college station (i was there for five years). she ended up moving in with us to avoid selling her plasma, and became something of a nanny to me. that is no small task when you consider that i was probably about a year old or so, making my sisters approximately 3, 6, and 8. and we were pretty... active, shall we say. so while i don't remember pam exactly from that part of my childhood, i have a great appreciation for the role she played in my life. she met a welshman named steve while in college, and they got married in my home in texas. i do remember that wedding. i wore a poofy white dress with red trim. why is it that we remember things like that? at any rate, now pam and steve have children of their own! it's quite surreal. gareth is 6 and megan is 5. more on them later, as they are quite entertaining.

let's sail away past the cradle of these waves
let's sail away past the tide and its slow decay

the island itself reminds me so much of guam. i know i am rightfully ridiculed (swift alliteration, no?) for praising guam so fervently, but i would go back if i could, so just allow me to reminisce. there is one scene i saw here while driving - a curve where the land meets the ocean, with large buildings lining the coast like jewels in a crown. that so vividly resembles the view of the north from my home on guam (at the top of a giant hill). the buildings were not as ornate as guam's skyscraper hotels, and the waves broke against the cliffs instead of the parallel edge of the coral reef; rather, it was the curve and the giant point at the end that led me to the obvious comparison. the beach is well within walking distance, and i have already spent an afternoon sunbathing. i am not one to sunbathe, generally, but the weather here is so chilly that my sister and i felt it nigh unto necessary that we take advantage of the one sunny day. that is, until the unleashed dog, damp from salt water, found our sunbathing spot. it goes without saying, also, that i have retained all of my painfully pale skin. no amount of sunbathing could cure me of that.

let's sail away
to where the water goes-some endless open space
let's sail away

we flew first class from newark to london. i've flown first class from guam to japan before, but this flight was so much different. they pamper you to the point that i felt embarrassed, even giving you tiny salt and pepper shakers and your own table cloth for meals. and butter, molded into a flower! children in somalia are starving, and i buttered my heated roll with flower-shaped butter. the part that i was not afraid to enjoy were the seats - i could sit comfortably with my legs crossed ("indian style", although i hate saying that) and they reclined completely. yes, 180 degrees. and i should have taken advantage of that to sleep, but i was too distracted by my book. i did not listen to a single song on my cd player for all the time i was in the air. instead, i began to read the handmaid's tale shortly before take-off, and finished it right after we landed. i took a break during meals and naps here and there, so i was surprised i finished the book. the ending was a bit disappointing, though. it is a bizarre book, nothing like the tracy-chevalier style that the cover art had suggested to me. definitely not for everybody.

take only what you need, my love
and leave the rest behind
don't be afraid of where we'll go, my love
i promise you will be fine
now you are the only one thats mine

megan and gareth. spending so much time with them - these two british children - makes me feel like mary poppins. alas, i have no magic bag capable of producing a floorlamp from thin air. megan looks just like my recollection of ellen at her age, and gareth closely resembles a childhood friend of mine named p.j. they are quite lovely (a word that they use to describe everything, that i have subsequently adopted to better communicate my feelings to them... "wicked awesome" does not get one very far here. incidentally, gareth told me the first time he saw me that i was "lovely like a princess", later adding that i was "mad". you win some, you lose some.) it has been a while since i've been around children this age - vastly different from the 2 and 4 year-olds i had stayed with in the states. i'm so happy to have met them and thus become a part of their lives. i've had the opportunity to walk them to school and pick them up from school, so "walk british children to and from tiny seaside village primary school" can be crossed off of my do-before-i-die list. they whine (as even i still do), but they are really a joy. they have daily homework assignments that involve reading aloud to somebody and then having that lucky person sign a paper for them and leave comments of their reading - i have been gareth's reading partner for three nights now. he wanted me to write american-style comments, so they were "totally awesome job, dude", "wicked cool reading, bro", and (my favorite) "gareth is, like, the man, or something". i only hope i am not inflicting permanent damage. also worth noting, i have been playing bright eyes for them. they ask me to listen to it on my cd player and everything - clearly i need to be a diplomat. "come on, israel and palestine, let's just hold hands and sway back and forth to the sweet sound of bright eyes... you too, fidel... 'i want a lover i don't have to love'..."

let's sail away past the reflections of the light
let's sail away floating weightless through the night

something of interest only to those in the kiser family: katie and i have found a winnie-the-pooh counterpart for every member of the family. mom is winnie the pooh, dad is owl, katie is rabbit, adrienne is eeyore, ellen is piglet, josh is christopher robin, and i am tigger. when i'm not on my meds, at least. i think that kenny is the narrator, although there is still some debate about that. why yes, i do have quite a lot of free time, why do you ask? =)

let's sail away like a photograph, fading to all white
it's finally all right

today is saturday, so there is no telling what we will do. perhaps return to the beach to further admire the old men with giant bellies, shamelessly scraggy ponytails, poor dental hygiene, and skin tones ranging from red to deep purple. ("apparently, beggars can be choosers.")

forget all the mistakes my love
they won't be made again

i must say that i was quite annoyed with katie picked up the rising intonation of the british, but i can no longer fault her there. it's almost unavoidable. i speak to the children that way, especially. and i've found myself saying "shall i (insert random action here)?" yes, i am like madonna with her fake british accent. self-loathing is healthy, isn't it?

leave the photos in the drawer, my love
we no longer need them

oh, i also attended a yoga class. my only comment would be that "yoga" and "relaxing" are antonyms.

we both know where we've been

i saw a graveyard and thought of katie, and the speedometer in pam's car reminds me of adam (strange, i know), and other scattered things, so i am getting daily reminders of people far away. that will no doubt be more vivid in london, where i am more closely surrounded by people my age.

let's sail away disappearing in a mist
let's sail away with a whisper and a kiss

in conclusion, i will never again eat lobster. it is too depressing. and peta needs to come collect my mother, for how she has offended the lobster population. long story, no time.

or vanish from a road somewhere,
like tereza and tomas,
suspended in this bliss

i love you. some of you more than you understand.

i'm in england, on the isle of wight
it's cheeky
although i don't really know what cheeky means
my quest is to find out
more later, when i'm at my sister's flat
and can define cheeky
so far i've gotten this:
monkeys are particularly cheeky

have i mentioned i love you, whoever reads this? no, not you. behind you. yeah, him. (yes, dad, i love you, too.)

bedtime, cheeky monkeys. i heart you.

i need to take a figurative shower because i am figuratively filthy.

i say this because i am currently using aol. and i'm pretty sure that makes me a dirty consumer whore. but i've been sitting in this airport for four hours, and i have seven more hours of sitting ahead of me... i cracked.

dad ordered us up a happy eleven-hour layover in newark, nj. this is not my first time in this airport, and last time i was here i was flying back from paris. incidentally, it was on that trip that i left my purse on the plane and never saw it again. i should go to the service desk and ask whether they have it sitting around somewhere. you know, just to revisit all of the id i had to replace. but no, i will not ask. that all happened when i was thirteen.

anyway, what was my point? i guess i didn't have one.

on the flight from charleston to newark, i sat across the aisle from a young boy. and by young, i mean ten years old. so i start up a conversation with him, because it's obvious that he is traveling alone, and i don't think it's a mistake that i met him. i asked him if he brought anything to do while he was on the plane, and he shook his head. my next question was "what music do you listen to?" and when he mumbled something about linkin park, i set him up with my cd player and mewithoutyou. after he was finished, out of nowhere he asked me if i ever watched adult swim. and when i replied with a gleeful yes, he specifically mentioned aqua teen hunger force. so i got up, opened the overhead compartment, got out my laptop, and retrieved my brand new aqua teen hunger force season one dvd from my backpack. we watched three episodes before we had to shut down the laptop for the descent. it was so funny - what a random thing for him to mention. at any rate, it was a lot of fun. his name is coda, reportedly because his father is a musician. we spent the descent swapping skateboarding stories, and then parted ways when his father was there at the gate waiting for him. the whole experience was a bit like "lost in translation". two soulmates finding each other in their travels and enjoying the fleeting happiness that accompanies being a free spirit... no. i'm completely kidding. but he's a good kid, and i'm glad i met him. and no, carrie, i didn't kiss him. he's ten. but the boy who sat in front of him had these blue eyes. mmm, blue eyes. but he was reading maxim the whole time. no aqua teen hunger force for him.

i'm becoming somewhat incoherent.

what you told me is difficult for me to believe, and i'm not quite sure why. it's strange - i don't think badly of myself but i can't really comprehend you appreciating me. that's not a slam. i think i'm going to be in a permanent state of missing you until i'm back for good.

oh yeah, happy fourth of july. i guess holidays really don't bring much security for me. it's not the good ol' family celebration for the kisers. i was in an airport for new year's, i was in a hotel for last july fourth, it's just how things happen. but hopefully we can see some fireworks from 34,000 feet.

you know what? weezer is rockin' my summer.

if you want it, you can have it
but you've got to learn to reach out there and grab it
'cause everybody wants some love
shooting from the stars above
and though my heart will break
there's more that i could take
i could never get enough

if you need it, you should show it
'cause you might play so monastic that you blow it
'cause everybody wants some, ooh
something they can barely know
and though my heart will break
there's more that i could take
i could never let it go

it's in the photograph
it's in the photograph
it's in the photograph of love

it's so funny how life is. i was so down all day for no real reason. except perhaps that i miss my friends and i don't particularly enjoy treading water. but that's not anything new.

then something strange happened. i was listening to bright eyes, and i dropped my headphones. they landed with a thud on the hardwood floor, but that's not the strange part; the long, black cord landed in such a way as to form the shape of a heart.

i am not an irrational person by any means, but i cannot watch something like that unfold and think it is just a coincidence. it's not a great life-altering event, but it changed this girl's heart for at least a night.

it's not like a plastic bag making spirals over cement on a windy day, but it was my own little joy, my own reminder of a benevolent force who wants me to be happy. when things like that happen, it is like i am being embraced by God. i mean it. and i couldn't help but laugh out loud, with a genuine laughter.

and i should really be asleep now, but i tried and it just did not feel right. when i am this filled with joyfulness, i don't want to fall asleep and have my face relax. i want to smile for as long as i can.

searching for more than mere tastes of living water
tired eyes tend to wander, seek the light
create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty
let Your splendor flash with blinding light
searching for more than mere lies disguised as dogma
tired eyes tend to wander, seek the light
create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty
let Your splendor flash with blinding light
standing tall all the aspen trees drink water
as the rain falls down like laughter from the sky

it was mentioned to me today by a friend of mine that i would have the time to get a job while in hawaii. i'll be there, i believe, from july 20 to september 5 or so. so i have resolved to at least attempt and get a job, hopefully on the base there. that would rock. i won't have anything else to do with my time, really, save exercising.

speaking of which, i got to swim by myself in a public pool today for over an hour. i had forgotten how much i adore privacy. especially when you want to do somersaults, float at the top of the water for a while with your arms out to the sides, and just generally fantasize about being a child again in orange park, florida. the people who live there still hate it, but it is beautiful to me.

i've been thinking a lot. (that's always a stupid way to begin a paragraph, i suppose. it's like beginning a serious conversation with "can we talk?" alas, i have already laid it down; while the delete key remains one of my most intimate friends, i'll save him for another day. i wonder if everybody personifies the delete key as male.) when i'm alone, i think about how i would have behaved if i had known i was the person calling the shots. i would have been very different, obviously, and much more coy. i think i would have made it more worth the trip. but as things are, and as they will always be, it was worth the trip. it's amazing how quickly a girl can forget the power she was born with, the inherent power of being female. but this is for sure - next time i'm there with him, wherever there is and whoever he is), his hand will be on my face. life is too short.

i've noticed that many people put song lyrics on their online journals. and i assume, perhaps wrongly, that those who read said journals merely skim the lyrics (that is, if they do not skip them completely). but i would like to share a song now. actually, only the parts i find to be extremely beautiful. skip or skim if you must, but if you have a moment then please indulge me.

and i felt i was on fire
with the things i could have told you
i guess i just assumed
that you eventually would ask
and i wouldn't have to bring up
my so badly broken heart
and all those months i just wanted to sleep
and though spring, it did come slowly
i guess it did its part
my heart has thawed and continues to beat

and there was a girl i knew there
one more potential lover
i guess that something's gotta happen soon
because i know i can't keep living
in this dead or dying dream
and as i watched along the beach and drank with her
i thought about my true love
the one i really need
with eyes that burn so bright they make me pure
they make me pure
i long to be with you

i have an address in hawaii! woo-ha.

Karyn "Please Please Please Send Me Mail - I'm so Terribly Lonely" Kiser
52 Halawa Drive
Honolulu, HI 96818

please note my nickname, and the seriousness with which it was announced... i used capitals and everything! speaking of nicknames, and old friend of mine instant messaged me yesterday and called me jungle toes. i haven't been called that in years. it is the name that shows up on posts, though, which just goes to show you how long i've been using blogger. i've had other blogs with people way way way before i ever began this one.

karyn is the 921st most common female name in the united states. karen is the 13th most common. thank goodness that my mother gave me that y. waste your time, too! hoorah.

i brought twenty or so cds with me, but i've found myself longing for the things i never would have thought to pack. zane williams, for instance. how embarrassing is that? but it gets stuck in one's head so easily. and my rock against bush album - awesome awesome awesome! i have resorted to just sitting around with my laptop playing "sink, florida, sink" (my favorite track on my rock against bush album, performed by against me!); sadly, i have no zane williams on my laptop.

i went to the mall yesterday for the first time in ages. perhaps the first time since new york over spring break. i had forgotten that the local mall is the mecca of goths. it makes perfect sense, too, since the mall is the perfect place to protest the oppressive nature of middle class suburban life. oh, the horrors of manicured lawns and vinyl siding. i can't believe i used to be that way. the only upside is how undeniably awesome black vinyl dresses are. much more awesome than vinyl siding.

the reason i was at the mall in the first place was to hit up the payless. so... i bought shoes. nice shoes. girl's shoes. black with a ballerina toe and big leather flowers. it's not as terrible as the image that description conjures up, but it's pretty darned feminine. i'm thinking about taking the flowers off, but i have developed a strange supernatural attachment to them in the time that i've been walking around the house with them on just trying to break them in. what is this sickness i am suffering from? who will ride in on a white horse and take me far away from my shoe-flowers? (cue prince charming #72)

crap! he's not in this town. he's not in this state. and before you know it i'll be saying he's not in this region of the world. but i'll be wishing that he were there. don't you know how sweet and wonderful life can be? sing it, jack.