allow me to preface this by saying that my sister is actually a really great person and i do love her and respect her a great deal... it's just difficult sometimes because once in a while it feels like we're becoming more and more different with each passing year.

katie was just laying on my bed listening to the vandals with me, and i could feel her watching me while i was hanging up my clothes. she said "do you want to lose weight?"

"no, it's not really that important to me. why?"

"well, sometimes it seems like you want to, and then others times it seems like you've given up."

i didn't really know how to react well to this, so i said, "i never 'gave up'. it just isn't a big deal to me. i am happy with myself."

and i am, i really am. when an 18 year old girl is happy with her body, i think it's a pretty uncommon thing, and shouldn't ever be spoiled - nobody should ever insinuate that she should feel differently about herself.

katie has become obsessed with her body in these last few years... she's always talking about how fat she is or how fat she feels or, a recent favorite, her "giant" posterior. the truth is, she's thinner than i am. but she exercises and gripes about food intake constantly... does it make her any happier? what is the point? sure, it's healthier, but it's not as if i'm unhealthy, and i think of myself as being a lot healthier than she is simply because i don't hate myself the way she seems to hate herself.

it's all very strange. and it's very difficult. and it doesn't make me smile.

well, well, well. you again.

between my last post and now, i have managed to scrape up my poor mother's toyota matrix by - yes - backing into a parked car. i was really upset about it for a little while, and i've definitely moved on from that, currently leaning more toward "well, we all hit things with cars sometimes, and that was just my day." i guess that might be somewhat flippant-sounding, since my mistake will cost my parents money, will cost usaa money, and will undoubtedly cost the poor man whose car i hit a lot of time. i understand that, and i'm sad about it, but what's the use of dwelling on that? i hung the police report on my fridge. i guess i could go on a diet, to avoid seeing it...?

i saw garden state last night, to make myself feel better about everything... that movie was incredible. it makes you want to hug the next person you see. that's not what katie and i did after we saw it though, despite getting suggestions from some of the locals at a bus stop that we spend a little time with them... it was bizarre getting hit on again. i mean, in all fairness, they were actually hollering at katie, who was borrowing one of my 10 million plaid miniskirts, but still. to be hit on vicariously through katie - it's been a while. there's something bizarrely liberating about being objectified - it's difficult to explain.

by some bizarre miracle, david already received the cd that i sent out this past monday! i have converted him to anti-flag. yes, i am patting myself on the back. the rest of it? we shall see.

i just opened up my old planner from last semester, and found a bunch of notes that scott light wrote me during speech class... that was the most worthless class ever, but i'm glad i got to meet him and write stupid notes to him. there's nothing quite like hearing a horrible teacher threaten scott with physical violence. maybe it will happen again in greece? here's hoping.

time to read.

i just wrote a long and potentially eloquent post.

gone.

internet explorer error.

oh well.

no time to resurrect those thoughts.

goodnight.

when i said tonight
"congratulations - it's yours"
i really really meant it

it's hard to think about how most everybody else is together at harding right now.

hearing other people tell me that they saw him makes me want to rip my heart out of my chest with my own hand.

there's just this overwhelming sense of loss. and it really doesn't make much sense.

first of all, it should be noted that the mother from peter jackson's poignant film DEAD ALIVE also appears in his lord of the rings trilogy as a hobbit. i am not making this up. that makes the film adaptation of lord of the rings that much cooler.

i have hardly worked at all this week, mostly because my supervisor has been really busy. it's probably a lot of extra work for her to prepare things for me to do, but she tells me that i'm helping her, so i am happy to continue.

i had a great conversation with my dad last night. he asked me what my idea of love was... after a long pause, i managed to mumble something about companionship - indefinitely long companionship.

"ok," said dad, after a few moments of my rambling. "so far you've described a dog."

and i was so fascinated with the things he had to say about love. "i'm annoyed that i'm not in love," i told him.

"how do you know you aren't?"

"well, everybody says that when you're in love you just know. and i don't just know."

dad shook his head. "everybody is wrong."

he said that i'm going to be miserable when i'm in greece - "a good kind of miserable". he says i'll be able to spend a few months pondering my feelings. that's all well and good, but i want to make sure that when i'm kicking ideas around i don't make the mistake of kicking my heart around as well. maybe i ought to just leave it in searcy.

last sunday night, we were having a discussion at church. eventually, it became a talk about whether or not people should date/marry "nonbelievers". there were some comments about the danger of being led astray, so i raised my hand and put in my two cents.

"it's never been an issue of 'if i date somebody who isn't a Christian, they might have a negative influence'. Jesus Christ is the most important thing about me - i'm just not interested in dating a person who doesn't have that in common with me."

afterward, a lot of people gave me positive feedback about my input; many of them asked me if i was dating anybody. i didn't really know how to respond, except to put my hand on my forehead, lamenting my "i don't know. i don't think so. probably not."

i guess it's true in no uncertain terms that i am not actually officially dating anybody. but it is also true in no uncertain terms that this is the exact opposite of what i want.



yuck, i shouldn't be writing stupid angsty prose.
weezer, then saturday night live, then sleep.

i can't be gone, darling
for very long, no
never know what you're gonna do
standing there deep in front of you
take a look in between my eyes
because i'm back, yeah

what can you do when somebody you love is overwhelmed?

robin, i would love to hug you. i would love to walk with you. i would love to hold your hand in that totally nonromantic way that friends hold each other's hands when they are in need. i'm sorry that i can't be there for you more than just these silly words that don't mean much of anything because i can't say them to your face.

if the worst happens, my heart will break for you; if the best happens, my heart will rejoice with you.

either way, i am lifting you up in my ongoing conversation with God. i want so completely for you to be happy that i feel like my heart is in constant prayer about it.

i feel good right now. i feel God.

and through it all You’ve given me
a peace that overflows
oh how i know
that You are good

[the first time i ever heard that song was when kerry played it for me in 10th grade. kerry, i hope that you are happy beyond your wildest dreams. i know that i will see you again.]

hooray for figuring out how to connect my digital camera straight to my laptop.

in other news, jon freakin' rocks! he sent me a mix cd and i got it in the mail today! whee!

i finally understand... "you seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex". such great songs! copeland, the postal service, the new pornographers, pretty girls make graves, pedro the lion... basically all the bands he'd been talking about forever but i still hadn't heard.

i was so happy to get that in the mail that i actually danced. yes, i danced from the mailbox to my car, and i drove around and listened.

now i really want the postal service cd. i am happy to be behind all of the "cool kids" at harding who already listen to it. that, and death cab for cutie. yes, i need that as well. maybe i won't be saving my summer allowance.

thank God for friends who share awesome music. thanks, jon! =) and the copeland song - it made me open my mouth really wide and cover it with my hands the whole time i was listening to it.

friends like you guys make it hard to leave the country.

and i just know that she warms my heart
and knows what all my imperfections are
and she says that i am the brightest little firefly in her jar

there is an overweight hawaiian man with kind eyes and a perpetual smile who sits on an upside down box outside of my office building. he just sits all day, watching the world. i don't think he is homeless because i have seen him listening to a cd player before, although he doesn't seem to have a job - how else could he afford to spend all day just being a spectator to life? this morning was the first time that i passed by where he sits and found his seat empty... i was concerned, and wondered what might have kept him from our little daily greetings. when i left work later, he had returned to his box - his throne - and it made my entire body smile to see him.

i paused before crossing the street towards the parking garage, and said, "you weren't here this morning - i missed you!"

he said, "i was dreaming."

"oh yeah?"

"dreaming," he replied, "of the other planets."

it was the most beautiful thing i had heard in a very long time. "that's where i want to be," i managed. "have a great weekend!"

i suppose i could look at that and think that he was merely suffering some mental affliction, that he is your stereotypical crazy person. but that's really not how it felt to me... it felt like he was so much greater than i had previously suspected - not a spectator at all. it's funny how we write people off like that.

it reminded me so vividly of the little prince, as if this man were a character out of some lost chapter. and it's a shame how my words are so inadequate at conveying the state of elation that his words, stated with such simplicity, had launched me into.

[if you are at all interested in reading the little prince, and thus gaining some insight into one of karyn's all-time favorite books, you should check it out. it's really not very long, and worth every moment you might spend reading it.]

i am in such a great mood! now it's time for some mindless fun...

the soundtrack to my life:

opening credits:
bowl of oranges - bright eyes
waking up:
all the way up to heaven - guster
average day:
dandelions - five iron frenzy
first date:
hands down - dashboard confessional
falling in love:
san dimas high school football rules - the ataris
love scene:
lovers of loving love - the aquabats
fight scene:
fairytale of new york - shane mcgowen/jem finer
breaking up:
that particular time - alanis morissette
getting back together:
o girlfriend - weezer
secret love:
sally's song - danny elfman
life's okay:
blackbird - the beatles
mental breakdown:
silencer - mewithoutyou
driving:
boys in the hood - dynamite hack
learning a lesson:
my cape is stuck in the phone booth - relient k
deep thought:
the world i know - collective soul
flashback:
carry on wayward son - kansas
partying:
the system is down - strong bad
happy dance:
hey ya! - outkast
regreting:
what we hate, we make - the rocket summer
long night alone:
a blank page empire - further seems forever
death scene:
world without end - five iron frenzy
closing credits:
asleep - the smiths

of course, i am young. who knows how things will happen.

toothpaste for dinner = awesome beyond all human understanding


on my way to work today, i called adam to talk a bit from my cell phone. and i am so good at multitasking that i missed my exit and it ended up taking me an hour - AN HOUR - to get to work today. i should buy myself something nice to celebrate my stupidity... maybe i'll use all the cash that's rolling in from my volunteer job. i'm not actually bitter about that, you know; this job is worth it. money is just money - money does not own me. that is a luxury, i suppose, of having never struggled financially. i hate that money has to set people apart from each other. ok, now i'm just ranting.



all of the sudden, the people in my office have begun listening to this really stereotypical at-work radio music. and so, i edited reports on lung cancer treatment at the queen's medical center (a large hospital here that was named for queen emma, wife of king kamehameha, who established said hospital in 1859 after the devastatingly death of her son) whilst being entertained by gems such as "manic monday" by the bangles, "hero" by enrique iglesias, and - my favorite - "colors of the wind" by vanessa williams. i will admit, though, i sang along quite often. "let's see... can you sing with all the voices of the mountain... this citation needs to be on the inside of the comma... can you paint with all the colors of the wind... wait, do i even need a comma here?" (welcome to my world. don't worry - i'm scared too.)



i have rented a plethora (that's right, she dropped the p-bomb) of movies since i came out to hawaii, mainly because i haven't much else to do with all my spare time (which is to say, all of the time i don't spend fussing over commas). i have noticed a trend in these movies... there is always some excruciatingly romantic kissing scene near the end, and i am consistently prompted to throw my head back and dramatically exclaim, "but it doesn't happen like that! it will never happen like that! this is not life!" i actually do yell it. quite fiercely, i might add, and much to my poor mother's dismay. and, as much as life isn't like the end of most movies, there is real love. we picked up my father from the airport today, and after hugging me hello and giving me the obligatory (yet sincere) kiss on the cheek, he embraced my mother, gave her a kiss, looked at her, gave her another kiss, and mouthed "i love you so much". and so i don't look to cinderella for what life could be like; i look to my parents.

and, as many things do, it reminded me of a bright eyes song.

the last few months i've been living with this couple
yeah, you know, the kind who buy everything in doubles
they fit together like a puzzle
and i love their love and i am thankful
that someone actually receives the prize that was promised
by all those fairy tales that drugged us
and they still do me
i'm sick, lonely
no laurel tree, just green envy
will my number come up eventually
like love is some kind of lottery
where you can scratch and see what is underneath
it's "sorry", just one cherry, "play again", get lucky

i feel compelled to add, though, that i am not feeling sick or lonely, really. just intermittently impatient. i am very much at ease when the stream is dried up, and the water truly doesn't flow too often. in the words of my beloved bob dylan, "most of the time, i'm halfway content."



new link on my blog... stuck him right up there at the top so that you guys might notice the addition. (robin has been ousted? kidding.) anyway, as you may have deciphered despite the cryptic link text, this is the brand-spanking-new blog of my friend david. in case anybody skipped that short chapter of my life, i went to england this summer. i spent a week with some dear family friends, and had the pleasure of attending church with them near the very end of our visit. so i go in, following my sister like a lost puppy to the pew of choice, and gleefully - nay, rapturously - notice somebody who was my age, who happened to be wearing one nice shoe and one tennis shoe (reportedly, he could not locate a matching pair that morning), and who was, i believe, playing the saxophone. after the service, and against every inclination, i approached things timidly. had a little chat with him. but, in true karyn spirit, i was able to ask if he and his sister (jenny, who is also quite lovely and incredibly friendly) were doing anything that afternoon. so we were able to hang out that afternoon, and went to a movie another night, and just generally enjoyed our surprising like-mindedness. i have only known him for a short time, but i think i've benefited a lot from our correspondence. God graciously introduced me to somebody who made me feel tons more comfortable in an unfamiliar place, and david was a willing instrument of His grace. so... there you have it. cool guy.



i can't wait until we find our digital camera's software... it's presumably in one of the unopened boxes around the house, but who can know for sure, given the bizarre pseudo-hieroglyphics that movers have apparently adopted as a labeling system. i am anxious to share the photos from my post-montgomery travels. and andrew - don't hold your breath for that picture of me in my bikini. i'm a nice girl. =)

joking doesn't work, so i guess i'll be straightforward.

so... i'm karyn.

just a regular girl.

sometimes i'm right about things, and sometimes i mess up. but that's ok - it's the same for everybody else. forgive me when i mess up, and know that i am sorry.

i have to take pills so that my brain will work correctly and my reactions to everyday situations will be normal. once in a while i try to end this dependency, and the last two weeks of my life have been one of those once-in-a-whiles. it didn't work, but that is ok. in some ways it makes me feel like a failure, but i know that i am how i was made to be, and (as my father says) the God who holds up the universe will hold me up as well.

i care about a boy that i haven't seen in almost 3 months. and all i really want at this exact moment is to be sitting in my car listening to music with him, and to be holding his hand like that first night. and i'm terrified about what could happen, and i know that a million different things are possible. but i also know that i am willing to cast aside my anchor for him.

i have three sisters. one of them happens to know me more than anybody, and i hate being away from her. today i opened some of the boxes around my room and found one full of her things. to see her camera, her backpack, her shoes, it made me feel so happy and so sad. i can't wait to see her again. maybe i will fill her camera with some buried treasure for her to find later.

i have a great friend named adam, and i can't wait to get inked with him. i have a wonderful roommate, and i have missed her terribly since she went to london. i have so many good friends.

i have loved many places, but i never expected to love searcy, arkansas. how strange that i should be longing for the too-hot summer days there, so willing to abandon the shade of the flame trees that line the streets in hawaii just to sit underneath a mangled oak again.

it feels like i'm living just so that i can see things people and places again.

i'm sleeping so that i can wake up to them.

i have learned to retreat at the first sign of danger.
i mean, why wait around, if it's just to surrender?
ambition, i have found, can only lead to failure.
i do not read the reviews.
no, i am not singing for you.

i just rambled painfully on jon's voicemail. i am awesome.

well, mom and i are slowly making progress on getting the house together. i made the suggestion that we push boxes as far against a wall as we can and set up our la-z-boy couch and two recliners, just to make it look more put together and thus offer us some sort of psychological comfort that our work is getting us somewhere; when we had finished, we sat down on the couch and mom said, "the rest of the house can go straight to hell - we'll just stay in this corner forever." as you can see, we're keeping really positive attitudes. my mom rocks. =)

today i was moving a piece of pottery from one shelf to another, and the bottom half of it fell off. just fell off, right onto my foot. the escaped lower half broke into several pieces when it hit our floor, and i was really upset. it was a raku pot that my mother made when she was in college (she was an art major, which is super cool), but she didn't seem too broken up about it. it wasn't my fault, but i'm going to try and be more careful with her things from college. i want all of my sisters to be able to enjoy them someday.

and my bed is put together! no more sleeping on the floor! i haven't had my own bed since i lived in guam... when i was in montgomery, ellen and i had to share a room and we only set up HER bed for us to sleep in. i am so happy to have my own space again. even if it's half-filled with katie's things. and i get to set up my own room... and my room is huge... and i know that i was sarcastic about mom and i having positive attitudes, but i really am starting to feel that way. i'm starting to feel really positive. which is amazing, and only one person knows why. =)

today's sermon was about how we should cope with our struggles in life. ok, that's nothing new, tons of sermons have been offered up to the world regarding that very subject. but for some reason, it was different for me. he said that when we're going through hard times, instead of looking at our own wounds, we should look to the wounds of Jesus Christ. i think that's amazing... it gives me something more than just "oh, suffering is good for us, God will get us through". looking to the wounds of Jesus - do we really do that when we're experiencing pain? i know that i can scarcely get over my own troubles most of the time. it's a form of idolatry, to spend all of one's time thinking about one's own problems. i don't ever want a mirror to be more captivating than the knowledge of Jesus' sacrifice.

ok, i'm talking to josh lawrence (see, i have to put his last name, because my brother's name is josh too and it gets confusing. i need a new nickname for him, like how i call katie "dubya" 'cause my sister is named katie as well. i'll work on that.) and i just want everybody to know that he is awesome, and i love him. i think that josh is the embodiment of how people can surprise the heck out of you... i'm so glad that he was in my bible class and he came to walmart with us that one night when we played walmart sardines. sorry that we lost touch for a while, but it's going to be really fun to hang out with you again, and i can't wait to meet your ladyfriend. =) God bless you, josh; He blessed me with you.

i hope that everything is 100% beautiful for all of you. life is really extraordinary, and i'm in a great mood.



those notes you wrote me, i've kept them all
i'll give a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
with every single letter in every single word
there will be a hidden message about a [girl] that's loves a [boy]
do you care if i don't know what to say
will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
will i shake this off
pretend its all okay that there's someone out there
who feels just like me
there is

third watch is such a quality show. i think it would be more fun to be a part of something thought-provoking and poignant than to be part of, say, a tv show like friends. (maybe that will whip carrie out her vow of silence?)

this afternoon, they came and took our loan furniture away. and they aren't bringing the furniture we actually own until tomorrow. so my house has... my laptop, a small television, and an inflatable mattress that we bought. it's pretty funny, if you think about it. because mom and i are doing just fine - so that's the profound commentary on our lives: give us a bed, a tv, and a computer, and we'll do just find. oh well.

my body isn't trained yet to go to bed a little earlier and wake up in time for work. so i am... well, exhausted. i wonder how somebody can have a desk job in an office building for years and years... i wake up, drive twenty minutes, park in a big covered pay-to-park lot, walk two blocks, and sit down for a few hours. then i get up, walk to buildings down, eat at subway, and return to my desk for a few more hours. and the work day ends when i drive in horrid traffic for 40 minutes home. this is definitely working for me right now, and pretty fulfilling for a girl who hasn't done much with her life thus far, but for years and years? crazy. and having to dress up... amazing. i mean, really... karyn went to work in jeans and an anti-flag shirt today. i hope that i never have to dress up for my job; if i ever do, i'll dress like ally mcbeal. but i'll still eat.

i finally ditched my totoro desktop theme, like i had been saying i would for the past year. my new desktop wallpaper is a pic of conor oberst (the awesomeness that is bright eyes) and some bright eyes lyrics.



just to clear some things up - conor oberst is not my true love, he's not the one i really need, and his eyes don't burn so bright they make me pure. it's just the songwriter with his song.

well, i basically got offered a position next summer. not at my current job, but something a zillion times better. i'll probably have to decide by christmas if i'm serious about applying for it. it would be a great position, AWESOME pay, and i would be working under a friend of mine from guam. he's a historian with the airforce, and it would be an archiving job. i hate the idea of being so far away from everybody over the summer, but we're all poor college kids, so maybe i could make money while i'm out here wallowing in self-pity. it works. =)

[no jokes about rainbows being homosexual. that is stupid.]

the first time i can remember talking to matt, we were in japanese class together. and i saw him talking to another guy, and thought he already had a friend and that he wouldn't want to talk to me. but later i would learn that he thought i was hot. which i was, in ninth grade.

the first time i can remember talking to josh lawrence was when matt came to visit me at harding, and my friends were in the harbin lobby playing speed scrabble. and we were pumping out "rejected" quotes, and he joined right in. i'm glad he did, because if he hadn't then how could i have ever acquired the nickname "dollar menu"? that, and he's awesome.

the first time i can remember talking to andrew, he and his father were visiting at my church. and i introduced myself to him and he didn't seem excited. i was a freshman. then he made me muffins. but that was much later. i'm glad he came to my church.

the first time i can remember talking to jared was when i knew his name and he didn't know mine and was trying to figure it out. i don't remember how i knew his name. but i thought he was really hot. haha. and it's funny that i had remembered him from almost a year earlier, when i sat in on his western civ class the first time i visited harding.

the first time i can remember talking to kerry was when i showed up in his u.s. history class to judge an in-class debate: which was more of a tragedy - the trail of tears or the holocaust? and he was on the holocaust side and the trail of tears ended up with the victory. and i remember thinking "that boy is so quiet". and i was so amazed later, that he was so full of life and that he picked me over ever girl he had ever met thus far.

the first time i can remember talking to katie, we were at student impact and i asked her for the time because i thought she looked interesting and wanted to be her friend. and now i know for sure that she's interesting and that i always want to be her friend.

the first time i can remember talking to adam, i was trying to comfort arielle by having random people tell her she was pretty. i asked him to do me a favor and he said "for a dollar." and i thought he was mean, but terribly attractive. and i thought that he was much too cool for me. i still think that.

the first time i can remember talking to robin was when we were in the lunch line the first time i went to the cafeteria at harding during student impact. and i had that patch on my bag and he said "i like your patch", or something like it. and i was so amazed, and so thankful that he talked to me. and i got his number, and called him later. and gave him mine, but he never called. and he'll be mad when he reads that. =) and later i would publicly accost him about where his personality went and he would call me and eventually we got it right.

the first time i can remember talking to tylor was when we ended up in the same theater as him to see school of rock in little rock. and i took pictures of the back of his head, but i was too shy to actually talk all that much because i thought he was hot like burning. i guess that's how i make most of my guy friends. at least you all know you're hot.

the first time i can remember talking to carrie was after we had seen school of rock and were back on campus. and she asked me if i liked it and i said "well, i like your friend". and little did i know, she would turn out to be one of the most wonderful people i've ever met.

the first time i can remember talking to kraus was in the student center. and i wondered why his hair was so long, and then i got to know him and i understood. it's because he's great. and i'm glad that he hugged me when i cried about politics, even though we mostly disagree. and i can't wait until we can disagree in person again.

the first time i can remember talking to laura was in the cafeteria, when jared was still trying to figure out my name. and she introduced herself to me and was so nice about it. maybe she doesn't want people to think of her as "nice" per se, but i know that she is a deeply good person. and she definitely continued to show me.

the first time i can remember talking to emmy was when she visited laura at harding. and i thought "that girl is sexy, and we have everything in common." oh yeah.

the first time i can remember talking to susie, was when katie and i were first adopted into the 5:30 fall semester dinner crew. and i thought she was such a drama queen, and i'm still right. she's the best kind of drama queen, and i love it.

the first time i can remember talking to jon was when he came to visit katie at harding, and we met him at his car. he seemed so sedate. but he's not sedate, just thoughtful. and then later we would go driving together and listen to "let's get it on" and scare the man at that little store when we dropped off empty beer cans that we had picked up at the cemetery. and i let him abuse my car. i went back once in a while to see the marks on the pavement.

the first time i can remember talking to josh was when he came with ellen and shelby to pick me up from the airport the first time i visited harding. at the time, i had no concept of "this boy could be my brother someday". and now look at him, he's my brother. but i think that if i could pick a husband for ellen, it would be him. so i suppose that if i could pick my own brother, it would be him. i'm fortunate.

i wish i could remember the first time i talked to ellen. she was probably there to hear the first thing i ever said. maybe she was the person i said it to. that is the coolest thought ever.

thank you, strangers, for your therapeutic smiles =)

ok. not even a full minute ago, the anchorperson of the local news team just said the funniest thing in the universe. "the man who was arrested for soliciting sex on the internet from a minor seemed to get off easy." i mean, sure, she was talking about his sentence. but she could have worded it differently.

there must be something between us, even if it's only an ocean.

today was my first day of actually working, as opposed to just dropping my cv off and doing a little reading. my job rocks my world. here are the pro's and con's.

+ i can wear whatever i want. i could probably walk in naked and they wouldn't care.
+ i have my own desk.
- i'm the youngest person there, eep.
+ i get to edit articles about interesting things like the threat of cancer in american samoa and (yes) guam. =)
+ i'm actually learning things from the reports i have to edit! weird huh.
- it's a long drive (20 minutes there, 40 minutes home)...
+ but i can listen to great music in the car.
+ i have my own computer and i can check my e-mail.
- i have only counted four males in the whole office. not that i am looking for a fling or anything, but sometimes a lot of estrogen is really overwhelming and i just get tired.
+ the other women in the office take 1.5 hour lunch breaks. i only took 20 minutes today, but it's nice to have the option.
+ the hours are flexible, the work is not stressful, and it's a great reference for when i get a "real" job.

really, it's fantastic. i am very blessed.

long ago
i drew a line into the sand
jumped across and held your hand

as it turns out, there are a lot of people that my parents know from previous duty stations in hawaii presently. so we have been having dinner with people, and just being generally socially active. i've seen some people from high school just in passing, and quite unexpectedly, but i haven't gotten a chance to hang out with them yet. my friend victor is staying at a hotel that is just right off of the highway, and i pass it when i drive home from the native hawaiian health board. i talk to him online, and he says he wants to hang out. maybe he could take me spearfishing. i don't know.

you're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness"

i've been offered surfing lessons from the 27-year-old son of some family friends who are stationed here with us. i just might do that. but i need a new bathing suit. something more modest. something that wouldn't lead others to sin. maybe something that fits properly.

when all is said and done, it's ok to just want more

who knows what really happened, but i really want to believe that lynndie england wasn't following orders. i really want to believe she's not just a scapegoat. people aren't actually that horrible are they?

many thanks for the comments. =) God keeps me going, and He uses all of you.

today was not easy, and i don't understand why things are that way.

sometimes i really hate the military (save all of your "this from karyn, who doggedly admires the navy just 'cause her daddy is a rich captain man?" junk). this is definitely one of those times. i just hate having to relocate. it is so emotionally draining to be expected to happily start over every two years. and we weren't even in alabama for two years; we were there for one.

if i could have just stayed put somewhere, then i would have a place to return to over the summer. a familiar place, i place that i could really be from, where i had a web of friends already and (stop me if i'm being too selfish), oh i don't know, my own bed?

i have prayed for a friend, or a person even remotely close to my age, to come my way. i trust God, and i know that His way is better than mine, but i am really failing to see right now why He hasn't provided me with just that one luxury. and i don't think i've been very passive about it, either; i've gone out to dinner with people, i've gone out and volunteered somewhere, i've gone to church and met people. i'm trying. i guess that i'm supposed to be learning something. i really hope this is making me a better person somehow.

i missed what i was supposed to learn
as all i learned about was missing you

i know that life is not bad, and that this will all be a stupid memory soon, but i really don't understand why things are so hard. i wish i did.

this really isn't helped by the fact that i've been having really vivid bad dreams. most recently, i had a dream where i called robin, and asked his dad if he was there, and i heard robin's voice in the background saying "tell her i'm already gone". i hate dreams like that, and i never know they're not real.

i'm glad that you all seem ok, but please remember that i still really need you a lot. if you're not ok, please tell me, because i'm not ok either and maybe we could be there for each other.