i really don't deal with change very well.

i want to sleep all of the time. or, if i can't sleep all of the time, i would like to be in hawaii with my family. except, my father and katie are in washington, d.c., my mother is in honolulu, ellen is in searcy, and adrienne is in jacksonville. why aren't people who care about each other not allowed to just be together? farther along, we'll know all about it. as for now, i'm treading water in my pink pajamas.

we're going to corinth tomorrow and spending the night there, which means i'm missing some presidential debates. what kind of sick freak would rather watch presidential debates than go and visit a deeply historically and spiritually meaningful location?

me. i am that sick freak.

and when did i become this person: the girl who cries at hymns and when she hears anything remotely emotional? that's what i'm doing here. tearing up at the slightest bit of emotion, happy or sad.

it's so strange.

but i'm growing out my fingernails, which must mean something. tomorrow's another day, probably. all of you back in searcy - all of you everywhere - i hope that you're taking good care of each other.



the bravest thing of all is always hope.

feel. compulsion. to post.

having the worst and best time of my life.

and yeah, it's pretty possible.

reminds me of the first chapter of memoirs of a geisha.

except i'm probably not going to be sold into slavery anytime soon.

if you don't understand that reference, then go right now.

go and read the book.

it's good. it's excellent.

there isn't even an adequate word.

awesomeXcore, maybe?

no joke.

no pictures today. why is that?

the digital camera has pictures of me trying to look sexy in my apartment.

but i won't post them. i haven't seen them.

perhaps tomorrow. me trying to look sexy.

hey look, she's posting song lyrics...

hey, she posted those before.

it's that one song.

that really catchy song.

my Lord, how long to sing this song?
and my Lord, how much more of this pretending to be strong?
when she stands before your throne
dressed in beauty not her own
all soft and small, you'll hear her call
"You brought me here, now take me home."

i've been to the greek and roman agoras and delphi since i last posted. yes, i am aware that i am a cretin for not posting nearly as much as i usually do, but i'm sure that it's not beyond anybody's realm of understanding that i am, in fact, spending my time enjoying greece. well - that, and homework.



katie and i are happy and cute, and deserve some type of award.



anyway, i have seen two statues at two different archaeological museums of the same historical figure - he is pictured above, and his name is antinoos. anyway, our tour guide told us that antinoos, a teenager, was close friends with emperor hadrian... and, when antinoos committed suicide by drowning himself in the nile river, hadrian was reported to have "wept like a woman". i was particularly captivated by this story, and by the statue of antinoos that i saw at the national archaeological museum (greece's largest museum, by the way), and katie and i were both shocked by how attractive the statue was. if i may say so, it is hot. he was extremely hot. anyway, i wanted to learn more about his historical standing, since hadrian erected so many statues of him, and had him posthumously deified... it seems to be the general consensus amongst several websites that, while this is unconfirmed, hadrian and antinoos were probably lovers. yes, he is several millenia dead - but why are the hot ones gay?

oh, by the way, there were dandelions at the tower of the winds, right next to the roman agora, and at delphi. it's amazing. i'm taking pictures of them at every site i seem them, so that i can remember... remember God, remember beauty, remember my own value to Him. i couldn't have asked for a better sign. and, my shoes. um, i like those too.



i am thankful that i have the priviledge to love people enough that it hurts to be away from them. i am thankful that God has given me relationships that i hate to be removed from. i am so grateful to have a family that i would die for, and a family that i feel like i would die without. most of all, right now, i am thankful that katie is in greece with me; if she weren't here, i would have nobody who really understood my feelings, and nobody to express my anguish to. thank you, God, for a roommate that clips her nails and leaves them in the kitchen sink. i love her. =)

and now, it is time for my humanities class. i'm really trying hard to find the time and the will to post, so please be patient with me.

and, everybody, please know that i love you.

because i really, really do.

yesterday was an extremely full day of traveling around athens.

we went up to the acropolis, and atop mars hill. it was absolutely amazing. there aren't even words. i loved mars hill more than anything else the whole day, though... looking out at the half-standing temple of zeus, over to the parthenon, and out to all of the various ruins sprinkled throughout the mediterranean neighborhood - just knowing that paul did the same thing makes it feel so remarkable. the city certainly looks different after all these hundreds of years, but if you close your eyes, feel the breeze, and just listen to the world, time means absolutely nothing.




so, faithful readers, what would be the most amazing thing for me, karyn kiser, to see on top of mars hill. you know, maybe some sort of deeply symbolic flower, perhaps, that represents my life philosophy? anybody, anybody?

yes, there were dandelions on top of mars hill - and next to the parthenon, for that matter.

dandelions. it's like a little love note from God. here they are, karyn. be renewed. thank God for seeing flowers in weeds.

not much to update, really.

psh... i'm in greece! our apartment is awesome, and katie and i managed to be roommates despite the alleged "NO ROOM CHANGE REQUESTS" rule, even though we weren't originally assigned to be together. it's a beautiful thing.

do you know what else is beautiful? we have our own kitchen. our own tiny kitchen. and our own tiny bread box, which i have resolved to name. (i can't tell yet, though, if it's a mr. breadbox or a ms. breadbox. perhaps some ambiguous name will do... pat? leslie? we'll see.)

do you know what is not beautiful? i have an 8 a.m. class: wellness. it's ironic, too, because it is my belief that a big part of my own wellness was previously derived from not having an 8 a.m. class. but, this too shall pass. it's only every other day that we meet for classes... and we don't meet for classes all that often, if i can be frank.

"may i be frank, sir?"
"shirley, you jest!"

i digress.

this feels a whole lot like playing house.

(i told katie that she has to be the daddy.)

i've been thinking about the people i left. the goodbyes were easier this time around, but that doesn't mean that i don't completely and totally miss you guys. because, you know, i do. i just do. i miss you and i love you, and i see God in you.

aaaaand, i'm about to pass out. bedtime for karyn.

pictures looking back
just snapshots of the past cannot compare
to feeling what we felt
through anything that came
that You were there

well, things are difficult lately, but not as difficult for me as i know they are for other people. and i'm sorry about that. aaron was really nice to me tonight, when not many people are politically nice. i appreciate that. i really want to appreciate people, which was only enhanced by the fact that the devotional at downtown was centered on gratitude. i love the incoherent man who delivers those devotionals - i have no idea who he is, really, but i absolutely adore him. and i saw him tonight and didn't tell him. but i think it might have been too corny to thank him after he spoke at length about thankfulness... might have seemed insincere. on second thought, though, that's a silly justification for my lack of expressed gratitude.

you know how sometimes you really feel like leaving the country and starting over? i can't believe that i actually get to do that. i realized today that i'm changing - i realized this when i was in my car alone. i had been adjusting the volume level, and left it set on 32. before, i would only set it on multiples of 5. i suppose that's a strange manifestation of change, but it's amazing to me.

i want to see beauty in ordinary things.

scott, this is the beauty of life.

my friends are not ordinary.

but they are beautiful.

i am... definitely at harding.

kraus, jessie, josh, tylor, carrie, and adam picked me up from the airport, and it was glorious... adam and jessie even made special shirts, which made me feel like one of the "cool kids". and i ended up pretty much running into everybody that i had wanted to see, with one glaring exception - but he gets here in a few hours, so who am i to complain?

it's been great staying with ellen, although i'm afraid to help her out at all because i invariably mess up something in her apartment. when i was helping her make her bed, i ripped her bed skirt. when i was taking a shower, i cut my leg and bled all over josh's special towel that says "josh" on it. yes, i am hip. maybe soon i can do dishes or something without breaking some priceless wedding present.

today is adam's twentieth birthday. that's... so old. we're all actually growing up. well, we're getting older, at least. and i am happy that i can be here with him on this extremely special occasion! what a blessing for me, and hopefully a blessing for him.

i'm in the student center on a really awful computer, and ellen has been calling my name for quite some time now, so i'll cut this short.

(i love you, mom and dad and katie - i hope that everything is great!)

[shelby just typed this in, and i've decided not to delete it:

special special - this just in.... i love shelby, yayayayayayayayayayaysf.sadfkjas;flkj sooooooooo happy!

yeah.]

i am too excited and too exhausted to post anything too interesting. my apologies.

first of all - scott, you rock, and you make me feel really great about myself. i hope that i can be a blessing to you somehow.

secondly, am i the only person who checks everybody's away messages?

worst night of sleep ever. i couldn't fall asleep last night until 5:00 a.m... does that even count as last night? after hours - literally hours - of laying there in my own bed, i climbed into bed with my sister, finally, and fell sleep. the next thing you know, it's 9:45 a.m. and mom is waking me up and asking me to drop her off somewhere. i never fell back asleep, but it took me a while to return to the land of the living. five hours of sleep. that is no way to spend your last full day in hawaii. moral of this story? don't be a jerk to the hippest thing that has happened to you. i can't believe i'm even allowed to feel this way about a person.

did i mention that this was my last full day in hawaii?!

i bought luggage for greece. two dark green bags. they weren't originally quite different enough to be called mine, so when we got home i drew hearts on them and mom painted the hearts pale pink for me. in short, my luggage is adorable and my mom is awesome. tomorrow, after the paint is all dry, i'll have to fill said bags with all sorts of fun things sometime between when i wake up and 5 p.m., which is when i'll be leeeaving on a jetplane...! [it should be noted that i am not taking my cell phone to arkansas with me, so it's probably a good idea to not call me at that number anymore, since katie will be the one who answers. on second thought, katie could use some kind words.]

so, i'll be in searcy in a day and a half... i can't wait to hug you, i can't wait to kiss you, i can't wait to see you all again. from now until then, i'll spend my time imagining how wonderful it will be.

(i was looking up "i miss you" songs, and i must say that bjork has the absolute best one. check it out.)

i bought the garden state soundtrack. highly recommended.

i don't want you thinking i'm unhappy
what is closer to the truth
that if i lived 'til i was
a hundred and two
i just don't think i'll ever get over you

time seems to be moving along quickly... full speed ahead. i know that my time in searcy will fly by like it's just one hour, but i'll be euphoric at least for that hour. i'm starting to become more normal about how often i talk to robin - which is to say, i'm starting to not feel awful when we don't get to talk much. i think that's a really great development, since i'm not expecting to be able to talk to him on the phone more than maybe once when i'm in europe. the internet is alright, but it's a poor substitute. then again, everything is a poor substitute for talking in person. anyway, i just feel this incredible peace about everything - hawaii, searcy, greece, everything. and it's not something that i really understand, but imagine that - a peace that transcends my understanding. i think that this will change my life perhaps more than anything i've experienced before. and if i am able to make sense of all of the things i'm hoping for, i'll know myself better than i ever knew myself before.

hey, are you lonely?
has summer gone so slowly?
we found the ground
and that damage was done
it's cold as you fade into the sun
where'd you go? to me?

now to begin the arduous task of packing for searcy, and for greece. i don't have much to take, it seems, but i'm sure i'll manage to fill both seventy-pound suitcases i'm allowed. i have a vague plan to simply purchase the t-shirts, sweaters, etc. that i'll bring from the goodwill in searcy... then, i can just leave them in greece and have a little bit more space for other things. i'll probably leave my tennis shoes as well, since i've had the same pair for a while. i wonder how much space i can free up by taking temporary clothing. surely it's enough to fit the gifts i'm bound to purchase. if katie and i can share some things, which i'm sure won't be a problem, it should all be clear skies and smooth sailing.

i am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images and when we kiss
they're perfectly aligned
and i have to speculate that God himself did make
us into corresponding shapes
like puzzles pieces from the clay

today was my last day at the office. today was also the first day that i felt comfortable there, like i truly contributed; things always happen that way. i hadn't planned on today being my last day, but i officially finished editing all of the reports for the health dialog that my supervisor had in her possession thus far. when i saw the list, i was amazed - i hadn't realized that i had really gone through so much paperwork. i didn't have to say goodbye to anybody, though... my favorite co-worker, joann, invited me to come to the office and have a goodbye lunch with her. she extended the invitation to katie and mom, so i will finally be able to show them where i spent so much of my time. i'm going to really miss my little desk... i'm really going to miss my first job. as first jobs go, i think i was incredibly lucky.

all the lights on and you are alive
but you can't point the way to your heart
so sublime, when the stars are aligned
but you don't know the greatness you are

i registered to vote in florida. why florida, you're probably asking yourself. well, allow me to explain. i want to register in a swing state, which absolutely does not include hawaii, but leaves arkansas and florida open. (florida is an option because my parents are legal residents there, although i haven't personally lived there since 2000.) i have chosen florida because, while they are both swing states, it has more electoral votes than arkansas. this is probably all wishful thinking on my part, since i doubt my vote will be counted (no, not bleeding-heart-liberal bush-will-steal-the-election thinking on my part - my understanding of absentee ballots is that they are only counted if the difference between two candidates is smaller than the total number of absentee votes, which honestly makes perfect sense to me), so the act of voting will largely be symbolic for me. i'm thrilled beyond belief, despite the obvious fact that harding democrats are screwed no matter who wins this election. if kerry were to be elected, i do not foresee a great outpouring of respect and support from my fellow harding students; this is not to say that i graciously offer respect and support to bush the way that i probably should, but only that i suspect the "you should respect the president because he is your president whether you like it or not" speeches i received will be totally forgotten. i wouldn't blame them for being frustrated with the election outcome if kerry wins, because God knows that i am frustrated, but i don't think it's too much to ask that people try and live up to the standards to which they chose to hold me. i won't mind if people criticize kerry, because i'll probably be criticizing him plenty, but some things are just hateful. i've tried for these past four years to really not be hateful, and i am honestly sorry if i have failed. if you think that republicans are truly better than democrats, then prove it by being the people who respect kerry if he's elected as much as they say i should respect bush. anyway, i toiled over whether to register as a democrat or an independent; i was finally able to decide, though, and i'm very happy with my decision.

so let go
jump in
oh well, what are you waiting for?
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go
just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

...good luck exploring the infinite abyss