i am a few hours from the greek-turkish border right now, in an internet cafe.

if they weren't playing atrocious european dance music (with the volume set to 11), i might be inclined to post more. but as it is now, i haven't much time and i haven't much will to continue my immersion in this trance hell.

the turkish language sounds a LOT like japanese.

i love the european union, if only for their fantastically open borders.

the food in greece is better, but the prices in turkey are better.

considering that i would be considered an infidel, the turks didn't have any qualms with taking my money.

i miss my new amsterdams cd, and i was foolish for not bringing it. bringing miles davis was an excellent choice, though.

kind of blue = heaven on earth.

i love you all. i miss you. you know the drill. except i really mean it.

i can't stand the bass! my head will explode soon, in a way not unlike the aliens in mars attacks when slim whitman was played.

i hate every love song today.

i got to talk to my family, but only for a few minutes. i hate that, too.

i wish that everybody here could just magically understand that i need a hug.

nobody in the world can ever replace my father, and i hate that and i love it most of all.

and i just sound like a stupid emo kid.

well, then, here's the appropriate soundtrack:

buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
and hidden in the public eye
such a stellar monument to loneliness
laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
perfect make up, but you're barely scraping by
but you're barely scraping by...

nice, huh.

i'm more than barely scraping by, but i would love to be in my family's arms right now.

well, i took a break from charles dickens. i just finished the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe earlier today, and it is absolutely breathtaking. so simple, so pure, written with such wide-eyed innocence for readers of every age. i remember watching the cartoon film version, and owning the books when i was younger, but this is the first time that i've fully grasped its meaning. or maybe i haven't yet fully grasped it... maybe i'll wait another 10 years and read it again.



as i get older, i want to keep reading my favorite books over and over again. i have found that i change so much that they take on a different meaning each time i read them. i love this one as much as i love the little prince. it's amazing.



i think that my break from great expectations will be more or less permanent. mostly because i started reading slaughter house five. one thing i really appreciate about this semester is that i have a lot of free time to really sit and read. i never felt like i had that free time back in searcy, though i probably could have re-prioritized and fit it all in.



i realize that there isn't a lot in this post, but we are all traitors. we were all bound by the law, and sentenced to death. Jesus Christ died on a cross, and in that moment death itself started working backwards - that's pretty much all i've been thinking about.

please indulge me and read this:

"'Course [Aslan] isn't safe. But he's good."

"You have a traitor there, Aslan," said the Witch... "And so...that human creature is mine. His life is forfeit to me. His blood is my property... Do you really think your master can rob me of my rights by mere force?... He knows that unless I have blood as the Law says all Narnia will be overturned and perish in fire and water."

Then others--evil dwarfs and apes--rushed in to help them and between them they rolled the huge Lion round on his back and tied all his four paws together, shouting and cheering as if they had done something brave, though, had the Lion chosen, one of those paws could have been the death of them all. But he made no noise, even when the enemies, straining and tugging, pulled the cords so tight that they cut into his flesh.

"And now, who has won? Fool, did you think that by all this you would save the human traitor?"

The rising of the sun had made everything look so different--all the colors and shadows were changed--that for a moment they didn't see the important thing. Then they did. The Stone Table was broken into two pieces by a great crack that ran down it from end to end; and there was no Aslan... They looked round. There, shining in the sunrise, larger than they had seen him before, shaking his mane, stood Aslan himself.

"...if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor's stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards."

a melody is heard, played upon a flute. it is small and fine, telling of grass and trees and the horizon. the curtain rises.

so begins the death of a salesman, and this very blog. (katie is reading that right now, while i am suffering through great expectations. charles dickens' style is not my favorite. not even my second favorite.)

we were playing this get-to-know-you game with a few people, where you ask people questions about their roommates instead of asking questions about them directly. i had everybody describe their roommate in one word, and katie described me with "independent." that is fascinating. i would have never considered that to be a possibility. i'm so dependent on those around me. i'm so dependent on my parents. i'm extremely dependent on katie - if she never woke me up or gave me medication, then i probably would have dematerialized by now. describing katie, on the other hand, was easy: artist.

and i'll react when faces find you
with jealous fits that gag and bind you
'cause nothing hurts like nothing at all
when imagination takes full control

i think that people would be really surprised at some of the changes God has made in me even in the short time i've been in greece. i am so glad to have met all of these people, and for them to become part of who i am. i love so much about them, and i love what i am going to learn from them. iron is sharpening iron. on a lighter note, i have become increasingly sappy. i actually prefer to have split chapel, where the guys and girls are separated, which surprises me perhaps more than anything else. i am anxious to have women's devotionals and prayer groups. i was never like that before i came here - i always resented it when the women and men were separated. i still hate that i can't really participate in the way i feel compelled to when we have mixed chapel. perhaps God is teaching me something there as well.

maybe the sun keeps coming up
because it’s gotten used to you
and your constant need for proof

i'm very sorry that i have not been posting thoughts or feelings so much as merely pictures. i realize that this is out of character for me, and is certainly uncharacteristic of my aforementioned changes. (aforementioned - sweet!) i'm not sure why i don't ever feel the pull to get on the computer and compose anything... could it be that karyn is developing some sort of life outside of her computer? should i dare to dream? unlikely.

but i will not weep for those dying days
for all the ones who’ve left, there’s a few that stayed
and they found me here
and pulled me from the grass where i was laid

i am definitely still searching for everything i was supposed to find here. i am understanding more and more that the destination is nothing compared to the journey, where these things are concerned. i am always reluctant to accept cliches, but what can one do with truth but accept it?

no matter what i would do in an attempt to replace
all these pills that i take trying to balance my brain
i’ve seen the curious girl with that look on her face
so surprised she stares out from her display case

i'm afraid that i might talk about my parents too much. i would like to introduce them to every single solitary person i meet; they are such profound explanations of who i am. i hope that my mother is able to come to greece. i miss her dearly and think about her very often, and i honestly believe that everybody here would really love her. i am excited at the prospect of sharing a part of this experience with her, albeit a small part. it's heartbreaking sometimes when one has an amazing experience and is unable to adequately communicate it to people - if she just felt a little bit of it with me then i would be so immeasurably happy.

she raised her hands in the air and asked you
when was the last time you looked in the mirror
because you’ve changed
yeah you’ve changed

when we went to patmos, and visited the famed cave where john is believed to have received his divine revelation, the tour guide pointed out that there is one monk who inhabits that area by himself, staying in the cave almost nonstop. that is such a giant commitment to make, and i believe that it requires a deep devotion to God. having said that, i do not believe that this is God's purpose for us - solitude on earth. certainly we must depend on God before all others, and draw close to Him, but has He not created us to live among people? how can we be expected to shine our light when we hide it, quite literally, in a cave? i cannot even approach any understanding of how the monk could ever make that decision, or whether or not he feels closer to God for it, but i can confidently say that my own conscience could not allow me to cut myself off from others for life. my social needs could not allow it. my heart could not survive.

this weather has me wanting love more tangible
something i can hold because it’s getting cold
i say let’s hold up our fists to the flame in the sky
and block out the light that’s reaching for our eyes
cause it would blind us - it will blind us

the one thing that i didn't like about the cruise, apart from not seeing any dandelions until the third greek isle we visited, was how detached i felt from searcy. is it possible, though, that i am supposed to be detaching myself? is this what i've been searching for? i hope not. my dad was so right - i am miserable in a good way. he's right so often.

this is the book i never read
these are the words i never said
this is the path i'll never tread
these are the dreams i'll dream instead

even though i am feeling this extreme closeness with the people here, it is in no way replacing my friends back at harding. for instance, adam. sure, boys hug me here, but there is no substitute for an adam hug. he knows when i'm not doing alright, and he has genuine concern. what's better is that he really does make me feel better. there is no adam here. i am alright, but there is still no adam here. i have found that certain people have hands that remind me of friends back home; when i'm not doing well, all i want is that hand on my cheek.

and look, no pictures today.

i really just want to be warm, yellow light that pours over everyone i love.

"I am lonely, lonely.
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"

today, i heart william carlos williams.

(and, you know, Who shall say I am not the happy genius of my household?)

a picture of me posting a blog. and we've hit an all-time low...



music is beautiful. i say that to say this: zach gave karyn three new cds. two muse albums and one killers album. and the killers are, according to karyn, extremely extremely extremely awesome. if you ever have the opportunity to listen to them, and you don't take said opportunity, you are a fool. in conclusion, the killers kill me in a good way. smile like you mean it. [i just re-read that last paragraph, and that whole third person thing is confusing. oh well.]



i have four tests this week, which means that i've actually been - yes - studying. and who knows what grades i've made. no idea whatsoever. i no longer believe in fairies. somebody is playing creed in the computer lab. i am not down with that.



i've been in a markedly emo mood lately, though i am reluctant to use that word in this context. i suppose i fundamentally reject the idea of labels like emo or indie or punk or the like, simply because we are the sum of our actions and emotions and goals and intentions and so many little factors... but, were i to describe my feelings in one easy-to-use just-add-water word, it would be emo. i feel something so vividly, but i cannot identify what it is. is that a contradiction? so i've been walking around with this sting song playing as the soundtrack to my day. i played the song for katie, and showed her the lyrics, because i believe in passing along beauty and it truly is beautiful. her response was "is this what you've been feeling all day?" yes. it is. and i would love to tell you the title of the song, but i don't want to mislead anybody. my mind has just been so dreary, dimly lit without mental-defect implications. foggy, like a soap opera dream sequence. yes, i have been trapped in a soap opera dream sequence, but without the kissing or slapping. or demon possession, if you're a days of our lives fan. which... i'm not.



two days ago, i slept from 6 p.m. until 11:15 p.m., and then from 1 a.m. until 8 a.m. i wonder when i'll stop being exhausted. my latest cathartic hobby is making mix cds for myself. complete with stupid mix cd titles and the obligatory sharpee illustrations. i'm pretty sure that this makes me subhuman, but at least i take a break from sleeping for a while.



next week is our cruise to the greek isles; i'm looking forward to spending some time on a boat, but mostly i'm excited about relaxing for a week. we're only going on two guided tours the entire time, which is quite a contrast from the past few weeks. i've already warned my roommates to prepare for constant and unnecessary nudity, because i believe in a clothing-optional room. millie ran to tell me that we were rooming together, which made me feel warm and fuzzy. i'm so glad that i met her. i'll miss katie, but katie can get a break from my aforementioned constant and unnecessary nudity for a week. a much deserved break, given our recent lack of clean laundry.



my transformation into a smilier, girlier version of myself has ended with my purchase of a pink and decidedly frilly shirt. i seem to have bypassed the principle of baby steps, and i'm diving headfirst into pleatedskirtland. and, um... pay no attention to the olive that i'm eating. i am by no means suffering from a debilitating addiction to greek olives. no sir. but my jar is almost empty and i need my fix, so i'll probably be making a trek to our local grocery store soon.



i went to the beach with phil and tim yesterday, and seeing half-naked elderly greek women makes me feel better about my own body. even when i'm wearing my insanely trashy bikini. send money, mom. for a new bikini. or just for whatever. i'm not picky.



just to clear everything up, justin bronson and i are not an item. but i do have incriminating photos for the asking. and, what is perhaps more lovely, i have a greek anti-flag shirt. pink with an upside-down greek flag. 9 euros. my mommy would be proud. i love you, mama! you too, dad. karyn is the happiest girl in the world. except for most of today.



this business with changing my major has gotten more complicated that i had anticipated... after being so doggedly attached to political science for two semesters, is it possible for me to make a smooth transition to english? i've gotten advice that goes many different ways. at the end of the day, i don't really know what i want to do anymore. this is baffling, considering the certainty with which i declared my political science major. i don't even know if i'll keep french as a minor, either! gah! maybe i should just flip a coin. that's what i do for everything else, anyway. i would like for God to materialize in front of me to declare my major for me. like in superstar. what an epic love story. who needs love stories. all i need is aristophanes' "the frogs". and sustenance, in the form of greek olives.



sick of pictures yet? if not, go here, enter "daaandelions" in the album bar, and click on "greece". if you don't click on "greece", you'll just get a bunch of stupid pictures of me. and nobody needs that. then again, if you click on greece, you'll still get a bunch of stupid pictures of me. so if you aren't interested in stupid pictures primarily of me then steer clear of that link altogether.

all you get are pictures today. i don't have the time to write, because curfew is in twenty minutes. aaaand i've got a headache from not taking my prozac while i was in corinth [because i forgot it - sorry dad =( ]... whee!

first of all, i took a picture of this ant yesterday:



secondly, i owned the world yesterday:



aaand here's zach and me doing that whole "i just climbed a mountain" thing:



katie was there too, et cetera:



i was trying to sign and shoot the picture simultaneously:



and no, of course that's not the only dandelion photo:



my roommate is beautiful:



wow, i really am a liberal:



from left to right... travis, mike, daniel, trevor, allen, phil, and scott... these guys make me feel like one of the cool kids:



finally, i spent that evening at the beach... this picture is blurry regardless of what size it is, so i cropped it and resized it in order to show you how beautiful the moon was:



i miss you guys, and i've been having a bit of a difficult time, despite all of the wonderful sights and people that God has blessed me with.

don't forget me when i'm gone, alright?