whenever i revisit "in your eyes" by peter gabriel, i wonder how i could have forgotten what a perfect song it is and why i haven't listened to it in so long. i'm not posting lyrics, because they wouldn't really be for anybody, but, in the life of karyn kiser, it's just one of the most beautiful songs ever written.

do you ever feel like maybe you're on the very edge of something truly incredible, but you can't quite get your whole head around it enough to fully appreciate what you're thinking... and you know that there is this whole other part that you just couldn't even pick out of a line-up. and it just kills you that you cannot completely decipher what your senses are offering up to you.

so. every single human being experiences the world in a way that is completely unique. that is so amazing, because each person really must be special and distinguished. but it is simultaneously so lamentable, because everybody is alone in their exhaustive definition of "life", and people can never fully communicate to one another what the world has meant to them.

if this is all true, then the universe must have as many separate and equally valid definitions of life as it has people.

am i getting too ridiculous? here are some pictures.

slightly blurry christmas morning:


christmas afternoon:


this helmet makes me look so rad.


and, for carrie... the infamous pimp cake.

well, well, well... you again.

just kidding - i don't actually know who you are.

although i do have a tracker.

which i think makes me markedly creepier than any lost soul who might obsessively reload my website.

grendel was great. so was the story of a shipwrecked sailor. i know i won't have as much time for reading when classes pick up (other than the hellish dickensesque assigned reading i will inevitably endure), but i hope i can manage a book here and there. there is just so much to be read. there is just so much!

cameras in cellular phones are so massively unnecessary. and i love mine so much. oh so much. when i triumphantly return to harding, if your number is in my address book, i will track you down and snap a picture of you so that when (let's say if, to be more realistic) you call me, your pictures will pop up. this is the pinnacle of human achievement - it is not, as previously hypothesized, striped socks. at this point, i would normally reference, by way of link, the toothpastefordinner.com comic that establishes said socks as the pinnacle of human achievement; unfortunately, i am powerless to do so when that website refuses to work for me. maybe you're having the same problem - talk to me - we can get through this together. =(

i'm more than ready to begin this new semester. it feels as if the end of christmas break is this finish line that just continues to recede. it taunts me. i'm not at all excited about this next wave of celebration (new years), but it's not as if it will be a time of complete boredom. i have a party to go to, jared has a birthday, james and melanie have a wedding, but if it were up to me we would skip that whole week altogether. i've got a few projects to pass the time, though... arts and crafts type things. don't be surprised if i welcome you back to harding with a necklace constructed from dry macaroni and glitter.

i don't know if i ever mentioned that national public radio's christmas morning broadcast included a reading of the king james version of the bible... the birth of Jesus Christ. that's pretty fascinating, given the liberal media's tireless efforts towards extracting Jesus from the american experience, in a manner that somewhat resembles jessie's recent dental surgery. hang in there, jessie. (to give credit where credit is due, my father pointed out to me npr's glaring lapse of judgment. also, to clarify, my calling it a "lapse of judgment" is meant to be ironic.)

soon to come: naked pictures from christmas.

i'm kidding about the naked part.

don't give up on me.

in summation (yes, i know that this doesn't apply here... but, when in rome.), it's been over a year since i made this page and it has more or less the same format. hopefully, in the near future, i can change things up a bit. maybe something more narcissistic. probably some broken hearts. and some really emo lyrics to indicate how important and melodramatic my life is, perhaps. i just realized that this tongue-in-cheek description holds true for some of my friends' sites, and i wanted to mention that i'm not at all talking about you guys. i'm just embracing the stereotype.

sometimes i stare at myself in the mirror.

and if it's all the same to you
i love you oh so well
like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
i love you oh so well
enough to fill up heaven
overflow
and fill hell

today was a fantastically beautiful day. i'm under the table and dreaming.

this is the first christmas that i have woken up early and done other things before opening presents with my family... i must be growing up. it only took 18 christmases to get here. i was thinking about that today - so many years have passed since the conception of the christmas holiday, and i have experienced a mere 18. it's so amazing to be so young.

i received many gifts from my gracious family... the two most notable are a cellular phone with a searcy number (which means my sister katie is now permanently using my old phone), and this really fantastic bracelet that josh made for me. it's really great to have a brother - and i've honestly come to see him as a brother. the entire process of having ellen be engaged, plan a wedding, finally get married, be a newlywed... it's been difficult, to say the least. (do you remember, katie and adam, the night that ellen got engaged and i came and found you at midnight oil? thank you for that, again and again.) but the end has proved to justify the means and once again God blesses me through circumstances previously perceived as unfortunate. we shared our most cherished family tradition with him on christmas eve (no, not ritualistic sacrifice - rather, the gift of good words), and it was more comfortable than i could have imagined. i was imagining what my life would be if i lived through another 18 christmases... josh will come to know all of us as well as we already know each other. indeed, he is part of the "we" this year.

in short, karyn has a new big brother, and she's very enthusiastic.

also, zach fisher. perhaps a few of you remember meeting him when he visited me over his spring break (he goes to school in tampa, studying government and world affairs)? anyway, his father is in the air force, and his family is living in kansas for the time being... we got to talk for a bit tonight, and he might come to visit for a weekend before returning to florida for the spring semester. it all depends on if he can snag a car. i really hope he can, because i haven't seen him since my sister's wedding... that's over 6 months, for those of you who are counting. hooray for old friends, and this one is particularly cherished; there is no substitute for people who know you so well that they can make you feel completely comfortable.

i hope everybody has enjoyed a merry christmas, and considered the millions of people who struggle through life due to circumstances beyond their control. (why do the liberals always have to make us feel so guilty?) but seriously, guys, thank God for all we have. you are my greatest blessings.

regarding being "fulfilled": it's overrated.

oh, if i were a king - if i had everything
if i had you and i could give you your dreams
if i were giant-sized on top of it all
tell me, what in the world would i sing for
if i had it all?

it's christmas eve, and i'm feeling more than slightly political. which is wonderful, because i had become really disenchanted (due to frustration and a feeling of uselessness) with politics since about november third. except, of course, the politics of dancing.

but right now, if the government could read my mind, they'd know i'm thinking of you. (actually, if the government could read my mind they'd know i'm thinking about the american media and the manner in which we report on war. also, to a lesser extent, environmental protection. and trade justice. but, you too.)

anyway, christmas break is rocking, literarily speaking.

after sophie's world came alas, babylon
after alas, babylon came lolita
after lolita came grendel

and i'm loving grendel.

so what comes after grendel? my sister doesn't have anything by kurt vonnegut, so i might have to hit the library. the hickham air force base library. would they have anything by kurt vonnegut? i'm not feeling lucky. we'll see.

so, peace would be wicked awesome. totally righteous. way rad. and yes, karyn has been very flippant in this post, but she's being absolutely sincere right now. i never want to stop praying for peace, because i never want to stop believing that it's possible.

Jesus, can You take the time
to throw a drowning man a line
peace on earth
to tell the ones who hear no sound
whose sons are living in the ground
peace on earth
Jesus, in the song You wrote
the words are sticking in my throat
peace on earth
hear it every christmastime
but hope and history won't rhyme
so what's it worth
this peace on earth

and that's the extent of my christmas cheer.

........three sisters.
....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
..one completely fulfilled.
....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
........one completely unfulfilled.
....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
..and then there's karyn.
....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
.......fascinating.

the best way to explain it
would be to say
that it's almost like speeding everyday
and never getting stopped
then when you finally see blinking lights
in your rearview mirror
you know you deserve it so much
that you go to the police station
and repay your debt
without complaining

because girls really have it coming
from the very moment they stop caring
how recklessly they drive

i didn't like this album much the first time i heard it

i'm standing on this corner
can't get their attention
facing rush hour faces turned around

a very long plane ride cured me of that

i clutch my stack of paper
press one to a chest
then watch it swoop and stutter to the ground

as well as being stuck alone with it in honolulu traffic

i'm weary with right angles
abbreviated daylight
and waiting for a winter to be done

i've thought a lot about poetry lately

why do i still see you in every mirrored window
in all that i could never overcome

mostly how afraid i am of the class i'm taking

how i don't know what i should do
with my hands when i talk to you

i really think that i should read more poetry, if i want to be decent

how you don't know where you should look
so you look at my hands

because i've put a lot of time into recent developments

how movements rise and then dissolve
melted by our shallow breath

and when all of this is over, maybe i'll have something to show for it

how causes dance away from me
i am your pamphleteer

there are sure a lot of things that i'm sorry for

i walk this room in time to the beat of the gestetner
contemplate my next communique

and i'm planning on living this next semester out apologetically

the rhetoric and treason
of saying that i'll miss you
of saying "hey, well maybe you should stay"

and spending more time watching animated disney films

sing "oh what force on earth could be
weaker than the feeble strength of one"
like me remembering
the way it could have been

i'll spend a lot more time waiting than i used to, i think

help me with this barricade
no surrender no defeat
a spectre's haunting albert street

kind of like serving a sentence

i am your pamphleteer

my cat is beckoning

i've just finished watching "life as a house" with my sister, and i've got to say that it seemed to be an extraordinarily trite movie. not a bad soundtrack, though. actually, katie and i were looking over the films at the video rental store and i picked up "life as a house" because everybody told me it was good; we were afraid that it would depress us beyond belief, so katie opted for a second movie to cheer us up afterwards - "bring it on again". yes, i selected "life as a house" and my 25 year old sister chose the sequel to "bring it on". we're too tired to watch it now, but it's the plan for first thing tomorrow. i'm not sure anything could exceed the feeling of triumph that overcame me when i discovered that the video store was giving away garden state posters. maybe that movie is trite as well? perhaps all movies are trite, and it all depends on one's mood.

i’ve looked at love from both sides now,
from give and take, and still somehow
it’s love’s illusions i recall.
i really don’t know love at all.

i'm not sure what to make of my sister katie these days. it's so obvious that she is unspeakably unhappy with herself and her life. but it's been such a long time now that i cannot even remember her ever being a happy person. we spend so much of our time trying to correct her self-image - i've grown weary of telling her that her butt isn't big and that she's a successful person. she cannot be convinced. it would be bearable, i think, if she wouldn't project so much onto us. i didn't have breakfast or lunch today, and when i ordered a foot-long sandwich for dinner she looked at me and said "karyn - a foot-long?" in astonishment. i'm not sure how much longer i can ignore such outbursts. and she tells me she's trying to control her urges towards things like slapping me in the mouth (which she's done, in public). but i am eighteen years old, getting nearer to nineteen.

i just don't feel great all of the time (does anybody?) and i don't need a sister who chases my good moods away.

and i don’t need convincing
i’ve seen enough to want to try and change things
you fell in love, i fell in line
i thought i found my place
before i knew how much it cost to play it safe

ellen and josh are going to be here in two days, and i absolutely cannot wait until we can pick them up at the airport. josh is awesome, yes, but obviously i have more of an attachment to ellen. i have so much to tell her about how i've been feeling and the various things that have been happening around me. she just understands what unfair really means, i think, and she knows exactly where i've come from. no two people ever experience the world in exactly the same way, but i think that we share very similar experiences nonetheless. it's comforting.

i thought i was immortal a little while ago
i thought that i was right but now i know
i'm wrong about everything
i think that i can sing

i went to a naval ceremony today with my parents. i know that i talk about the military a lot, and i know that it can really disturb some people (i'm not actually talking right to you, robin, if you perceive that i am. just to clear things up... i'm just sort of talking); during the ceremony i was trying to formulate exactly why i am that way. it's just something i've been born into. i really wish that you guys could see how i am when i'm at military ceremonies. i know exactly what to do. i fluff my hair and put on a nice skirt, we're escorted to our assigned seating area, i know when to stand, when to sit, when to put my hand over my heart... i have perfected the polite clap. i know how to introduce myself to people and make small talk with them. i know what all of the rhetoric means - the whistles and the salutes and the color guard, and the sailors walking in formation. i think you guys would be amazed at what i've grown up around. i can't even really explain it. with the potential exception of robin, i don't think you guys have been able to experience the full extent to which this life as a military dependent has shaped me. it's so comfortable for me. it really is something to be born into. for better or for worse, it's who i am. and i want to show you all exactly who that is. otherwise, i'm not sure if you would really know me completely.

do you always have to tell him everything on your mind?
you know that too much honesty can be so unkind
and every time you throw him to the floor
why are you surprised to see he's breakable?

after the ceremony, i accompanied my father to the uniform shop where he needed to buy a new cover. i was walking around, looking at all of the dress whites, and i thought about a lot of things. during the ceremony, i was looking at all of the young sailors, and i spent this time in the shop contemplating what my life would be like if i married a naval medical officer. it would be so easy. i already know the ropes. i really believe that i would be an excellent officer's wife. it would just be... so comfortable. i'm not really looking for a life that is necessarily comfortable like that, but that's where my thoughts were. just saying, is all.

if i had a dollar bill
for every time i've been wrong
i'd be a self-made millionaire
and you'd still be gone

in my old western civ class, we had to learn a bit about the history of astronomy. one thing i really remember is how ptolemy hypothesized that the universe's order was based on epicycles. just countless circles within circles. and while we have a better understanding of the nature of the universe, and the elliptical orbit of the planets around the sun, the idea of circles within circles fascinates me. surely there's some deep philosophical metaphor to be drawn from his hypothesis. obviously it's not within me to know, but i like to think about it.

i finally thought about
i've forever been leaving

so i finished sophie's world.

and i've moved on - now i'm reading alas, babylon.

i just want to read.

yesterday my mother asked me what i want for christmas, and i hadn't any idea what to tell her. i guess they could invest some money in a mutual fund for me. i don't actually need anything.

there are things i want, though. i'd like the complete maison ikkoku series, but mom said she's not going to buy me anime. i'd like to be a little bit older than i am. i'd like for time to pass really quickly. i'd like for new year's to be eliminated from the calendar. i'd like to have a car and a job in hawaii. i'd like to meet some new people here. i'd like to feel exactly the way that people are needing me to feel.

i'm so glad that i bought the reel big fish album.

some people have a gift
of reaching right into your soul
and finding the hole
and making it bigger

i am
so
self-obsessed.

i'm sorry, everybody.

i know that i was gone this last semester, but i didn't just dematerialize when i was in greece - i was living somewhere else, going through different things. i wasn't really a part of the "semester from hell", as i've heard a zillion people call it. but i'd like to make a few comments anyway, if i may.

it is an insult for us to say that this semester closely resembles hell. allow me to explain.

God is not in hell. He is not there. this is what makes it such a horrible place.

i'd wager that anybody who has been to hell, or who perhaps is currently there, would trade that experience to be where we all were this past semester.

because God. never. left. us. He never left us.

so if we see ourselves as forsaken, and if we see the semester as hellish, it is a testament to our own humanity - our own everpresent need for God. humans forget, i think, about that need. and how amazing that God reminds us!

i had the distinct privilege of sharing some thoughts in chapel last semester. (split chapel, of course... sigh.) i wasn't able to express myself very well, i don't think, because i write better than i speak, but this is basically what i said...

i would suggest that it is in the situations that we would not choose for ourselves that we get exactly what we are needing - that is where we learn the most.

cheesy, yes, but i believe it to be true.

when we are in the midst of something we would have never in a million years chosen for ourselves, then we really have to live by faith and say "ok God, Your will over mine. i trust You with this. have Thine own way."

so perhaps to declare this semester the worst experience of our lives, we would be closing our eyes to the beauty of the plan that the Lord has for us. maybe this has been the best experience of our lives?

for me, this is one of those grand Lessons That I Never Learn. it just doesn't seem to stick. but i've thought so much about it in this past semester - i've been seeking out God's why. katie and i were in a mediterranean paradise, but there were so many times when we would have gotten on a plane and left if anybody had given us the opportunity. i suppose i haven't been able to adequately convey all of the things that happened for me in the past several months, but trust that i have experienced the full spectrum of human emotion just as vividly as you have. and i'm trying to really benefit from it.

i believe that we all know with our minds - we all know intellectually - that God has a perfect plan. i believe that we all know with our minds that God is refining us with fire. it is my prayer that we can all know this with our hearts.

i love you guys so much, beyond what i can even understand. let's explore the beauty of God's grace and faithfulness together. i cannot wait until i see you again.

[the following is for jessie.]

under 20,000 tons of brick and stone
she carries all the weight of her own world
and somewhere deep inside
beneath the cartilidge and bone
beats the battered heart of one little girl alone

she is sweet like sugar
but she is bitter like the broken sugar pot
dad says that she can be anything she wants to be
she only sees what she is not

disbeliever
underachiever
disconcerted with the way things look from here
disinclined and disinterested
nothing in your world stays clear

with a blanket of security
and the mighty force of her own will
treading water in her pink pajamas
she is treading water still
hopelessly hopeless
and she is swimming further into the sea
thinking she's substandard
while all the while she is beautiful to me

disbeliever
underachiever
don't you shed another tear
little sister
broken heart resistor
it's not like that over here

she is strong and silent
she is blunt and shrewd
she thinks that nobody loves her
if she only knew
how much we all have missed her
we are praying for you, my little sister

how awesome am i?

->this<- awesome.

it's so hip to give you a kiss,
ladies and gentlemen,
i do believe
that i have located
a suitable definiton
for love.
and taste cherry chapstick.
love is
never spelling my name
k-a-r-e-n.
it's our secret, our little secret.
sheesh.
we'll never tell.

rose-colored glasses today.

i had a dream last night that i had stomach cancer. actually, it began with me presuming myself pregnant... i saw a doctor and he told me that the reason my body was being so strange was that i actually had stomach cancer. why don't i dream that i'm flying, or that i'm miss america, or that i'm the satirical heroine in a jane austen novel? no - this is my escape from reality: (a) you're pregnant; (b) you have stomach cancer. golly gee, if only i could sleep forever and enjoy these uplifting dreams...

i bought a new(ish) dave matthews album, some devil, which is very fantastic and highly recommended, so far. except i really don't need to be listening to songs written about girls royally breaking boys' hearts. i'm trying to stop feeling horrible about it. so leave me alone, songwriters. i don't have grey blue eyes. they are light brown. except when i cry - they are red.

i haven't the slightest interest in any self-imposed censorship. likewise, i haven't the slightest interest in meeting any boys in hawaii. i'm all set, thanks.

i am interested, however, in finishing sophie's world. i've taken to going to bed at 7 p.m. and waking up at 4:30 or 5 a.m., and that book just isn't the mindless reading necessary for such early hours. hopefully i can finish it today and move on to lolita or something by kurt vonnegut.

whoever happens to read this, please e-mail me (karynkiser@hotmail.com) the address of where you'll be over christmas. i don't care if you've already given it to me, because i cannot find my address book...

oh my goodness. "stay or leave". this is excruciating to listen to. you needn't write songs like this; you're happily married.

fine, dave. i'm going running now.

i'm not even sure where to start.

i'm in hawaii again. i'm not quite aware of what i should be doing here, though. my family keeps making comments about how much i would rather be someplace else... i'm not sure how to react to things like that. i don't really feel like i've been wallowing around and lamenting my present circumstances to them. i mean, i've been here less than 48 hours. it's another one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. i just need something to be doing and i'm golden.

or, more specifically, i need something to be doing outside of my house. it makes it so difficult to not have my own car here - i've become so accustomed to the freedom that it represents.

leaving searcy was easier than i wanted it to be; i'm getting used to goodbyes.

well, friends, rest assured that there is a lot i haven't told you. maybe later.

(insert angsty lyric here)

she spent the better part of her day watching movies in the mcinteer.

she bought groceries at wal-mart, including ibc cherry limeades.

she ran around like an idiot with kraus, adam, jared, and tylor, semi-wrestling.

she told everybody that greece had changed her a lot - that she was a republican now - and laughed to herself a lot when even one person seemed to believed her.

she purchased a pumpkin pie and a can of whipped cream and ate the entire thing for dinner and breakfast, which is not at all disgusting.

she laid down in the giant mosaic of the world, right on top of guam's single tile.

she hugs every person she sees and kisses her good friends goodbye, even if she'll see them again in a few hours.

she drove past dr. burks' house, past all of the christmas lights in berryhill park, and past the cemetery just to get cd's out of her storage unit.

she went to a church service completely in english yesterday, and saw her little drummer boy.

all of her driving has been inexplicably 5-10 miles under the speed limit, and
katie continually reminds her of this.

she danced all the way from grad to stephens.

she fell asleep way before curfew. =)

and now she's awake at 8 a.m. on a monday, posting a blog and thinking about calling her parents.

but she isn't really in searcy; she's not sure where she is.

she's been waiting three months to hear thing song again.

i'd like to formally address all european males:

1.) capri pants are for women.
2.) no matter how much gel you put in them, mullets are not an attractive hairstyle. seriously - just stop.
3.) just because you have an accent does not mean that american girls studying abroad want to give you their phone numbers. (though it doesn't hurt.)

so, there is that.

a few days before i met david, i watched a knight's tale. that same film was selected by my sadistic classmates ("colleagues") to be viewed by the group on our last night in greece. a few days after i met david, i watched spiderman 2 on opening night in london. that was the film they showed on the flight back. that's... pretty cruel.

if one were to watch spiderman 2 and count the excessively dramatic screams of terror, i'll bet one would reach 100 before the middle of the movie. was that really necessary? and the whole series just doesn't make much sense - how could willem dafoe spawn such a beautiful creature? i want answers.

at the end of the movie, the flight attendants ruined everything... "i know that you don't think we could ever be together, peter, but - DUTY FREE IS NOW CLOSED... IF YOU WOULD STILL LIKE TO MAKE A PURCHASE, PLEASE... etc. i didn't get to hear the end, which is the only part that doesn't make me want to jump into the movie and shake peter and mj violently.

and right now i am sitting in carrie's room at harding, on her computer, on her bed, watching the girlmore girls that she taped for katie and me when we were away. away in europe. i was away in europe.

i can't believe i was away in europe.

and katie is eating straight powdered sugar. and i am wearing all sorts of mismatched clothes just to be warm... red plaid pants, hot pink tanktop, butch black jacket, orange shorts with easter eggs on them... about to find some equally enticing socks.

so it seems like things are back to normal, but i still can't believe i was away in europe.

the surveys circulating around xanga and livejournal would require me finding new and elegant methods to side-step most of the questions. so, forget it. but this is ok.

I AM: human
I WANT: the world
I WISH: you were here
I HATE: injustice
I FEAR: love
I HEAR: more than you think
I SEARCH: with google =)
I REGRET: plenty
I LOVE: dandelions
I CAN: feel so much
I ALWAYS: try
I AM NOT: finished
I CAN’T: stop wondering about you
I HAVE LEARNED: not nearly enough
I BELIEVE: in peace
I SING: loudly and in my car
I DANCE: constantly
I CRY: out of happiness, mostly
I AM NOT ALWAYS: this silly
I WRITE: everything that i feel
I NEED: music
I KNOW: nothing without God

there, that wasn't so bad.

by the way, i'd like to reserve the lyrics to "the new year" by death cab for cutie for my depressing and obligatory new year's post. (here's a preview: "happy 2005. hoorah.")

i wish the world was flat
like the old days
then i could travel
just by folding a map
no more airplanes,
or speedtrains,
or freeways
there'd be no
distance
that could hold us back

i'm reading sophie's world by jostein gaarder.

to summarize briefly: a white rabbit is pulled out of a top hat. because it is an extremely large rabbit, the trick takes many billions of years. all mortals are born at the very tip of the rabbit's fine hairs, where they are in a position to wonder at the impossibility of the trick. but as they grow older they work themselves ever deeper into the fur. and there they stay. they become so comfortable they never risk crawling back up the fragile hairs ever again. only philosophers [gaarder defines "philosopher" as someone who recognizes that there is a lot he doesn't understand, and is troubled by it.] embark on this perilous expedition to the outermost reaches of language and existence. some of them fall off, but others cling desperately and yell at the people nestling deeply in the snug softness, stuffing themselves with delicious food and drink.

'ladies and gentlemen,' they yell, 'we are floating in space!' but none of the people down there care.

the german poet goethe once said that 'he who cannot draw on three thousand years is living from hand to mouth.' i don't want you to end up in such a sad state. i will do what i can to acquaint you with your historical roots. it is the only way to become a human being. it is the only way to become more than a naked ape. it is the only way to avoid floating in a vacuum.

i was baptized eight years ago today.