so... i had this sign up outside of our door.

it read "war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength".

somebody wrote this beneath it: "that makes no sense. Jesus is peace, freedom, and strength and no war, slavery, or ignorance." [those are the exact words. that "no" isn't a typo.]

um. of course i'm not saying that war is actually peace, freedom is actually slavery, or ignorance is actually strength. of course Jesus is peace, freedom, and strength. of course Jesus is not war, slavery, or ignorance. that might actually be the most ridiculous response to that incredibly famous portion of George Orwell's incredibly famous novel 1984, and the reference itself was meant to be ironic in the first place.

it makes me furious. sometimes harding is a place where people are a special kind of stupid - a "righteous" kind of stupid. sometimes i really hate harding. today i really hate harding.

i woke up in the middle of the night (10 a.m.) and went to visit andrew in little rock with carrie and katie. we were back in searcy by about 5 p.m., and i've been doing homework and talking on the phone since then. thought i would post a little something so that my dad knows i haven't flung myself out of my screenless window or anything.

a short trip to pick up groceries with tylor rescued me from an entire evening spent by myself... it also managed in preventing me from doing any homework. i did put forth a noble effort to do some reading for american literature yesterday, but it's difficult to concentrate when i'm upset.

however!

i have done 90% of my homework for monday already, and plan to finish my monday and tuesday homework by the end of this evening. it will be glorious. i could even do a little bit for wednesday, since i have that reading assignment for life of christ.

i can't believe i'm actually blogging in detail about when i'm completely each of my homework assignments. i can't really pinpoint the exact moment when i became so mind-numbingly mundane, although you really ought to appreciate the alliteration of "mind-numbingly mundane".

here's something that somebody might possibly care about - i'm writing a paper on a poem for british literature (not a good start, i know, but ride it out and see where it takes you), and our initial response is due tomorrow in 300-500 words. i've already completed that essay, but i'd like to share the poem with you guys because i really think it's stunning. (i'm leaving in the oppressing capitalization, david... sorry. the message of the poem seems very clear to me (and so conveniently stated in 12 simple lines), but even just through writing up a tiny 500 word essay, i have become completely enthralled in the various avenues that interpretation could take. i just... think it's a terrific poem.

"They" by siegfried sassoon

The Bishop tells us: 'When the boys come back
'They will not be the same; for they'll have fought
'In a just cause: they lead the last attack
'On Anti-Christ; their comrades' blood has bought
'New right to breed an honourable race,
'They have challenged Death and dared him face to face.'

'We're none of us the same!' the boys reply.
'For George lost both his legs; and Bill's stone blind;
'Poor Jim's shot through the lungs and like to die;
'And Bert's gone syphilitic: you'll not find
'A chap who's served that hasn't found some change.
'And the Bishop said: 'The ways of God are strange!'

no? you still don't care?

i'll try harder next time.

i don't have the exact statistics in front of me, but i'm going to go out on a limb and say that i am the only person in the universe who is alone on friday night. the only person. in the universe. ever to have existed. who is alone on friday night.

and to think that i felt pretty today.

i've been doing really well with completing my homework assignments so far. i really think i'm holding my own in my classes. the semester feels like it's going well.

and now for something completely different!

the little rock air force base pharmacy is open from 7:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. on monday-thursday, and from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. on friday. it takes approximately 45 minutes to an hour to get from harding to jacksonville (where the base is located). i have classes on monday, wednesday, and friday, from 9:45 to 2:50. i have classes on tuesday from 1:00-3:40. i have classes on thursday from 9:45 to 3:40. i have to drive to the pharmacy, show them my prescription, then drive back in a few days after they've tranferred it from pearl harbor to pick it up. so i think i'll go straight from class today to the base to begin the process.

all of this for prozac.

i'm wondering how common it is to wish that the world would end just so that i didn't have to make any plans for the future.

Jesus Christ, are You really there?

if you feel discouraged
that there's a lack of color here
please don't worry, lover
it's really bursting at the seams
absorbing everything
the spectrum's a to z

i've just emerged from a euphoric weekend.

i think that the reason i haven't posted in a long time is that i felt it would be useless to try and write anything about anything, given that i wouldn't possibly have been able to communicate things properly. i might actually be the most enthusiastic fan of the english language, but even i must admit its inadequacies from time to time.

suffice it to say that katie, carrie, robin, and i went to see pedro the lion perform in texas, and spent the night at robin's house before returning to campus late saturday. the concert was so many things. visiting robin's town was much the same. you go ahead and pick the adjectives for me.

then looking upwards
i strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between
shooting stars and satellites
"do they collide?"
i ask and you smile
with my feet on the dash
the world doesn't matter

in the car on the way to dallas, i asked my fellow pilgrims what their childhood ambitions had been. i thought for a long time about how much clearer my life plan had been when i was five years old. i'm starting to wake up to the reality that i'm not a child anymore. but the closer i come to the point where i actually need to have some direction, the more obscured things seem to become. it's like moving towards a monet. the picture seems so beautiful and it all makes perfect sense when it's far away; the closer it is, though, the more it just seems like random strokes of color. according to our chapel speaker this morning, though, i just need to pick something.

when you feel embarrassed
then i'll be your pride
when you need directions
then i'll be the guide
for all time... for all time

i need to refill my prescription. somebody remind me later.

guys, please pray for me. i love you. =)

let the record show that karyn was in front of the library with all of her books at 12:17 p.m. and had every intention of studying. her dreams were shattered when she tried to open the library door and realized that it'll be another hour or so before it's open. lame.

it's going to be really difficult to take both literature survey classes simultaneously. but, i press on.

the sermon this morning was about grace. i wonder if i ever actually think about God anymore, or if i've ever lived up to the expectations i have for others. and what does it mean when people know that God is real and alive, but don't do anything about it? i wonder if that is worse than not believing at all.

but, i do believe. and i'm trying to be better. i press on.

i finally bought the new u2 album. now i can stop writing "u2" on my hand, to remind myself to go to hastings. i really love it, so far. once in a while an album comes along right when you need it. right when i needed to hear "stuck in a moment", i bought all that you can't leave behind. so i wonder which of these tracks is going to rescue me.

some might tell you there's no hope in hell
just because they feel hopeless
but you don't have to be a thing like that
be a ship in a bottle
set sail

well.

the first three days of classes have reaffirmed my belief that i don't actually know anything about anything. and not in a philosophical socrates type of way. =) i think that it's going to be a great semester because i would like for it to be a great semester. and didn't goethe once say that if you treat a semester as if it were what it ought to be and could be, it will become what it ought to be and could be. i... might be making part of that up.

i had an extremely well thought-out plan involving a trip to hastings and the purchase of how to dismantle an atomic bomb, and it turns out that a trip made to hastings after 11 p.m. is a wasted trip, since those are the closing hours. you learn something new everyday.

and, if you do learn one new thing everyday, and if that was your measure of a day - the period of time it takes you to learn one new thing - i have aged about six years in the past week. this is worrying... i'm considering botox.

my literature classes are going to be fun, all things considered. i had anticipated enjoying british literature tons more than american literature, seeing as i do tote around a ridiculous bias against american literature and do happen to thoroughly enjoy most non-dickens british writing, but it does not seem meant to be. my am. lit. teacher is just so much more interesting.

my writing poetry class seems like it's going to be amazing. i'm not very shy, obviously, but i really feel like the class will be pushing me into the corner a bit... and to make a decent grade, i'll have to pretty much work my way out of that shyness. so it's a big stretch. i think that i'll be growing a lot. well, i hope i'll be growing a lot.

french is amazing... i thought it would be really difficult to return after a semester sans français. i've been able to make decent grades on my distance-learning french tests, though, which is a really great blessing. i had been so stressed out about it.

all signs seem to indicate that life of Christ is going to be the type of class in which i actually learn, and actually want to learn. dr. cochran just approaches things in exactly the best way for me. he's an extremely gifted communicator, or at least his lecture style just speaks well to my listening style. and... doodling-in-the-margins style.

aaaand... what else? racquetball.... self-explanatory.

oh crap. i was supposed to register for american history with ellen before the end of friday. it's definitely one o'clock in the morning right now, on saturday. should i try and register by talking to the teacher himself, or should i just take the clep test?

this has been the most awful and boring post in the history of this website. my apologies. i'm just talking to myself. i'm... always just talking to myself.

sunday can't really come soon enough.

i don't want to turn 19. i want to stay 18 forever. but be wiser.

and now, benny and joon.

last spring, i wrote my thoughts down in a pink little book; today, when i was unpacking, i came upon it.

"it people weren't so afraid to tell each other what they want, they would probably get it more often."

"i don't think that the importance of privacy could really be overstated."

"after you haven't been kicked in the shin for a while, you forget how much it hurts."

"when a person is talking to me and i'm not particularly interested in what they're saying, a fun thing to do is tune them out except for their filler words, like 'uh' or 'um'; then all you hear is 'um um um um' and they sound like a robot."

"it hardly seems fair that an imaginary relationship can end in genuine heartache."

"when i'm thirty, i hope my life isn't full of all of the kind of nonsense talk i hear when i walk through first class on my way to coach."

class tomorrow morning. wish me luck.

i don't ever do these... wah. can i go to class yet?

daily life
food of the year: of the whole year? maybe the sonic chicken club toaster. maybe greek olives. or maybe a godzilla-destroys-tokyo gingerbread house that's melting into a puddle because hawaii is so humid?
drink of the year: ibc cherry limeade
class of the year: international relations
recreational activity of the year: mudwrestling or sitting in the athens starbucks
best means of communication of the year: talking in person =/
most despised means of communication: msn messenger
sentimental gift of the year: bracelet from adam
holiday of the year: definitely valentine's day
memorable moment/s of the year: in no particular order... sharing a room with katie, the weekly gilmore girls bonding, visiting my parents with robin, getting my first job, changing my tire with carrie, being a maid of honor, getting tattooed again, europe, asia, and africa =)
person who had the biggest impact on you: hmm... this is really hard. probably robin.
miracle/blessing of the year: being loved no matter what

personal
embarrassing moment of the year: i don't really get embarrassed very much. probably backing into that parked car.
health issue of the year: my dad
fetish of the year: mary janes and hair products =/
phobia of the year: commitment
crush of the year: just a "crush"? jon stewart.
date of the year: walking around the intramural fields, i think
kiss of the year: best. first. kiss. ever.

people/social
old friend of the year: i don't know if zach fisher counts as an old friend. so... katie bolla.
new friend of the year...
female: every hug girl
male: almost every boy in greece. and that one in britain.
best friend of the year: katie freakin' wendt has been there for everything
love interest of the year: instead of saying "i shouldn't answer" or "you know who" or something equally lame, i'm just going to say robin
relative of the year: josh! whee! i have a brother!
internet buddy of the year: when i was in greece, it was just about everybody. but probably david.
enemy of the year: distance
reformed enemy of the year: cell phones

entertainment
musician/singer of the year: conor oberst
band or group of the year: anti-flag and weezer
album of the year: the mix cd jon sent me
all-around celebrity of the year: how do i love thee, jon stewart
television show/series of the year: the gilmore girls and law and order. i'm just a simple girl. =)

media
television channel of the year: comedy central or MAD (greek mtv)
website of the year: toothpaste for dinner
book of the year: le petit prince or the perks of being a wallflower
magazine of the year: mental_floss

this year did you...
1. go to a party? yeah
2. try something new? about a million things, yes
3. have something change your life? most definitely
4. kiss someone? yep
5. tell your family and friends you love them? everyday
6. buy something extravagant? are pearl earrings extravagant? i hope so.
7. do something nice for yourself? almost exclusively =/
8. do something terribly wrong? my goodness, yes
9. move? story of my life
10. go to a concert? several

hopes for 2005
1. predict something that you think will happen in 2005: major conflict with north korea. and i'll get engaged. sick - just kidding.
2. what do you hope changes about your country? how can i even begin to answer? improvements in foreign policy, a new definition for patriotism, more informed and appropriate activism (i almost put "mandatory abortions," but decided that it wasn't an obvious enough joke about my liberal leanings. you're welcome.)
3. what do you hope for yourself? to figure things out and treat people well
4. what do you hope for your family? that my sister katie will find somebody, if only just to end the complaining. also, that my parents will be happy in hawaii even though it's difficult.
5. what do you hope for your best friend(s): that you will be fulfilled
6. what do you hope for the rest of your friends? oh, i don't really think about them much. (please note: karyn is joking.) i hope that they can all find what they are looking for, even when they don't know that they're looking.
7. do you think any amazing medical advances will be made? this question really seems to have been thrown in at the end. i don't know if any amazing medical advances will be made, but i have hope.
8. what is your hope for 2005? to see God everywhere

it's so difficult to think of this entire year as one unit. i think of (1) spring semester, (2) summer, (3) greece, and (4) christmas break. it's amazing to think of how much has happened in such a short time, and how many changes we've all undergone. with regards to next semester, i'm overwhelmed with anticipation to the point that i cannot even sleep.

hence, this post. and it all makes sense.

so this is the new year
...and i have no resolutions
(except i've resolved to go back to sleep
and not wake up again until i'm good and ready)
happy new year. i hope that your hearts are truly content.

wow - i got my first tattoo two years and one day ago exactly.
(i must be hardcore.)