now i know a disease that these doctors can’t treat,
you contract on the day you accept all you see

i've been thinking about cameras lately, and photographs. how lucky we are that we have the technology to capture a moment in time and savor it later as many times as we desire. and it makes me think of all the other tiny segments that connect and assemble our lives. i really want to live the type of life in which these things are not disregarded. (what a clumsy sentence! i really want to pay attention to all of this beauty forever.) if i ever have children, this is how i will know i have succeeded in raising them; should they appreciate the intricate details of life, they will be prepared and fulfilled. it sounds a bit too grand - i hope that's true. if i do indeed have kids, i'm going to have to just do the best i can and hope they're poets. =)

is a mirror and a mirror is all it can be:
a reflection of something we’re missing.

i received a call from my mother yesterday; apparently, my grandmother has an infected pacemaker and will undergo surgery tomorrow. despite my sister katie and my father describing the surgery as having a high risk of mortality, death no longer seems imminent. i just phoned my dad for an update and, other than having just vomited on my father's cell phone, my grandmother seemed just fine. in fact, we had a pretty meaningful and enjoyable conversation. i guess i'm stating this all matter-of-factly - to be honest, i had not gotten remotely emotional about any of this until actually speaking with grandma. my dad made reference in an e-mail to having surprising feelings, and my feelings surprised me as well. i will feel loss if she dies. it seems cold to say that my feeling loss at the death of my grandmother is surprising, but who can explain the dynamics of any given family? she's been in poor health since before i met her, and it's always just been incidental. i've really disrespected her and taken her for granted.

and language just happened, it was never planned
and it’s inadequate to describe where i am

i am always reluctant to accept cliches, but maybe what they say is true - maybe these are the best days of our lives? i suppose we have the rest of our lives to find out. so... let's find out together.

in the room of my house
where the light’s never been,
waiting for this day to end.

YYYYY

i'm constantly amazed at how differently i have experienced my life thus far than some of my closest friends.

i came to this tonight when i was listening to carrie talk to her grandmother on the telephone. it made me think back to when i called my grandfather over spring break. he's in the hospital because of bronchitis and atrial fibrillation... i'm not sure which brings about which, or if they're even really connected, but at any rate he's been sick. our conversation went completely differently from carrie's conversation with her grandmother. she has a totally different concept of what a grandparent is than i do. and it's fine - i just think it's a part of the world and the human race that is worth noticing. and worth celebrating, maybe?

and carrie is so sure that she wants to go back and live in ohio. she's established herself in one town and i think it's so fantastic that she knows where she wants to live. i don't really have a place that i have in mind, or anywhere i absolutely need to return to. my life - these short nineteen years - have consisted of so many goodbyes. i wonder if saying goodbye is the type of thing that becomes easier with practice. i would submit that it is not.

and could it really ever be true to say "my life is better than carrie's" or "carrie's life is better than mine"? there really isn't a measure. we all just have what we have.

we all just have what we have. right now, i have "west side story" on dvd. =)

[DOC]
"When do you kids stop? You make this world lousy."

[ACTION]
"We didn't make it, Doc."

*****

[DOC]
"I never had a Maria."

[TONY]
"I have, and I'll tell you one thing, Doc. Even if it only lasts from one night to the next, it's worth the world."

i just got back from a special event with a very special boy.

tonight, mrs. slayton told me that i should have signed up to be an r.a. in stephens next semester. she told me that she missed talking to me. it's like i've stepped into this parallel universe...! but i dig it. i'm not sure if i would enjoy being an r.a., but it's a nice thought. we (carrie, katie, jessie, and myself) need to figure out where we're living next semester.

i really want to live off campus. really really. i don't think it's possible, though.

spring break was really amazing... we use that word - "amazing" - to describe just about everything these days, but it fits perfectly with my spring break experience. robin's family made me feel so comfortable and so welcome. i didn't expect for it to be any different, really, but it was nice to live it. i met some of robin's friends from high school, and one of his teachers. i developed a pretty serious addiction to strawberries and cream frappuccinos. heard some awesome speakers. read some interesting books. spent some time with some really great people. got severely homesick.

which brought me to the realization that i need to be in hawaii for the summer.

i'm not sure what i'm going to do there... i really want to get a job. i need to make my own money for once. i need to know what it feels like to deposit a paycheck. well... to deposit my /own/ paycheck. =)

i am starting to really lose my grip on school this semester... we've only been back for three days, and my study habits have deteriorated in that short time. by the end of the week, i hope to get my groove back. yes, i called it "my groove".

my birthday was really great - i enjoyed it all, even the part where i drove hours away to get katie. =) we had fun, though. of course we had fun! and i had two junior bacon cheeseburgers with no tomato. someday i'll need to stop loving bacon, being that it's not the healthiest of meal options. that day is not today. it probably won't be tomorrow either.

for the record, there's a new man in my life: cat stevens.

i love you so much. =)

oh very young,
what will you leave us this time?
you're only dancing on this earth for a short while.

and though your dreams may toss and turn you now,
they will vanish away like your daddy's best jeans:
denim blue fading up to the sky.

YYYYY

ack!

step 1: get your playlist together, put it on random, and play
step 2: pick your favorite lines from the first 20 songs that play
step 3: post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from
step 4: cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly
step 5: no cheating (typing the lyrics into a search engine to find the song)

robin (1) we're as sure of that as we all once were when the world was flat
robin (2) thinking she's substandard while all the while she is beautiful to me
(3) the world's in trouble - there's no communication
robin (4) i know it's not much but it's the best i can do
kraus (5) i'd make voltaire proud, deep and furrow browed
jessie (6) she's frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel
(7) without me in her nest - could there really be such happiness?
jon (8) waiting on a sign from God or a nod from hell
my sister katie sorta got it (9) with you or against you? then i am against you.
katie finally got one (10) you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
aaron (11) i heard ole neil put her down
sister katie (12) half of the time we're gone but we don't know where
robin (13) i'm breaking my heart tonight so you can see what's inside
robin (14) the english translation is i am in love with you and it is no fun
jessie (15) blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl
adam (16) i guess a weak and tired and frightened man is no longer appealing
jon (17) the bully loved her cactus, the underdog her pine
katie got another! (18) i shot the moon when you shot me down
robin (19) like the graves that manifest destiny has created
sister katie (20) i wasn't jumping - for me it was a fall

good luck.