i wasn't expecting to post anything like this.

it has occurred to me that yearbooks are a horrible idea. i really want to dispose of mine, but i'm not sure what to do with them - or if i would realize it was a mistake later. i'm really glad that i never went to claim a yearbook from freshman or sophomore year at harding.

it's not that i have particularly negative memories of high school, but i don't think i want to go back to life before the people i know now. i wish that the day people met who they were going to spend the rest of their lives with, they could wipe away everything... like for our whole lives we've been putting wax on a car in unsatisfyingly circular patterns, and we get to the point where we're ready to be transformed and we can wipe away all of the preparation. the thing about waxing a car, though, is that it's an impermanent luster. i've heard it looks really nice the first day, though.

real life is more like constantly repainting a wall with a different color for each stage you've endured (endured? how about experienced). let's say your whole childhood was different shades of pink. eventually, you meet somebody and you want to establish this amazing turning point, so you paint the wall electric blue. once in a while, the blue chips away a little, and you have to face the fleshy, disapproving pink.

what i'm saying is, i'd like a whole new wall to paint electric blue. i guess nobody gets a whole new wall, though, unless they testify against somebody in the mafia or something.

thank goodness that we don't develop memory skills right at birth - most of us are saved a few years of back-breaking baggage.

please comment if you read this. i want to know how other people feel.

(i love you, robin.)

this is what i looked like thirty minutes ago, and what i probably still look like now. it's the absolute best taken-of-oneself-while-driving-even-though-one-had-the-cruise-control-on-so-weren't-completely-paying-attention-to-the-speed-or-the-road-at-all shot i've ever ventured to take.



there were many important pictures taken of me throughout my development.

for instance, when i had my baby:


also, that time i met the kangaroo who gave me all that financial advice:


or when i had pink hair and i made pained faces all the time:


and i lost a bet one summer and had to wear a gourd on my head as a hat for three solid months:


plus, when i got married to that lawyer and we went to south dakota... it was a messy divorce:


or that time i was eaten by our family car:


or when i applied to harding!:


(almost none of that is true. i was just going through my pictures today.)

oh, also - that time ellen asked me a question and i was all like "i don't know - but check out this outfit i bought in singapore":


ok... i'm done.

oh my stars - all of my friends are engaged!

not actually all of them... not even most of them. ok, not a tenth of them. but two is enough to freak a girl out. we're all so young. i mean, i still toy with the idea of putting my hair in pigtails.

*O congratulations on the rings, guys.

[for clarity's sake, anything meant to be ironic is in bold.]

i woke up earrly (christina aguilera style) to go to the dentist again. he's a nice man... i've become very well-acquainted with his eyebrows. i could see the reflection of my cavernous mouth in his glasses as he drilled, and i was staring at it in awe. i didn't really stop staring at my mouth throughout the visit. it occurred to me that perhaps he thought i was just staring him in the eyes. good. maybe he'll be scared of me, next time i enter his House of Pain. i didn't used to hate going to the dentist.

so! now when you see karyn, you're seeing a karyn you've never seen before - karyn with a more-metallic mouth. it's the whole stepping in the river twice thing, you know. i'm very smart and important. anyway, dental hygiene is a must, kids. don't be like auntie karyn who has a million fillings. sigh... if only i lived in europe, where bad teeth are a-ok. to save on airfare, i'll just continue this new blood-letting (flossing) routine.

i fell down some stairs today... not an entire flight or anything - just a few steps. i think that's enough, though. the thing is, i didn't really experience any sort of falling feeling. it seemed like i should just lay down on the pavement, like i was supposed to be there. it all flowed very naturally, like some interpretive-stair-dance. i have a giant bruise on my ankle now, but that's the price you pay for beautiful art.

i am 337 pages into anna karenina! i thought that since it's so long, perhaps i should have a little daily log of how much i've read, but it's turns out that was a stupid idea. i punished myself by throwing my body down some stairs. anyway, it's a fantastic book. very thorough - in fact, you could probably skip every other chapter and still follow it pretty well. i mean, that's what i'm doing. that's a really interesting way to read novels. anything by thomas pynchon makes about the same sense. chortle, chortle! why yes, i am inaccessibly intellectual. guffaw, guffaw!

i'm getting carried away. sorry.

bedtime. i'm going to an art festival with my parents early tomorrow. goodnight, fillings. goodnight, leo tolstoy. goodnight, God.

i'm angry, and i wanted to post something hateful, but all i can think about now is how amazing e. e. cummings is.

(sometimes i'm not hip.)

ah, so many things and really nothing at all.

carrie's not coming back. i knew from her voice exactly what she was going to tell me. the situation is going to take some major adjusting. i don't even really want to talk about it, but i want to acknowledge that i know it's happening. =/

last sunday at church, there was randomly a jewish rabbi in bible class. his name is daniel, and he stayed for the service; we learned that he's from israel and he's heading up a place of worship in waikiki. our bible class studied genesis chapter three (a Jesus-free chapter, some might say), so it wasn't any huge deal having him take part in our discussion - should i call it "their discussion" if i don't ever feel comfortable participating? anyway, he had a yarmulka on and everything. i felt like a tourist just watching him the whole time to see if he sang the hymns with us (some of them) or took communion (he actually did). he's not messianic (or, a jew-for-Jesus, as i've eloquently heard them described), so i'm not sure what the deal was. that's pretty much the end of my story. i've almost totally lost my english skillz, with a z. (it should be noted, also, that i found this in my quest for the proper spelling of "yarmulka".)

i've got one of those hellish dentist's appointments tomorrow at 8:45 a.m. we're past the you-don't-floss chiding stage, and now they're backing up some cement trucks into my mouth to fill up the holes i managed to bore with the absence of flossing. it should be a great way to start the day, and let's hope i wake up. i am on a strange sleeping schedule, the details of which i will not map out on my blog for obvious reasons. (i'm lazy and i like you guys.)

my weight-loss plan (stop eating for three weeks) has been completely spoiled by several meals i've enjoyed in the past few days. i have no self-discipline. just a thought.

oh! if opened a savings account for herself, but actually accidentally opened two and didn't realize it until this morning when she checked her accounts online and then had to call customer support and have the beautiful and under-paid people at her bank shut one of them down for her, which they finally did constitutes adulthood, i am an adult!

i'm beginning to feel nervous about my schedule for next semester. i am getting the impression that the classes i've selected are going to be pretty difficult and, if the title "systems of english grammar" gives any indication, boring. christian ethics seems like it could be a really nice bible class, though, and i would encourage anybody reading this to register for it immediately. no really... do it. this will be the first time that i've ever taken a bible class without somebody i know. i don't want to meet new people, harding, and you can't make me. =(

i'm going to go pout now, and continue anna karenina. i've tackled 80 of it's 700-something pages. i hope i can finish it before all that end-of-time stuff happens.

you and i, we're like four-year-olds.
we want to know why and how come about everything.
we want to reveal ourselves at will
and speak our minds
and never talk small
and be intuitive
and question mightily
and find God.

q: how do you know you're menstrual?

a: when you cry at vin diesel's speech about his childhood in the pacifier.

i thought a lot about poetry today, especially that i need to read more. i know that the world is full of poets, and that they aren't all like walt whitman.

this summer, i've started revisiting television programs that i loved when i was younger. daria, for instance, but mostly my so-called life. it is an incredible show. it's better than i remember. (i still can't bring myself to revisit legends of the hidden temple. i hope i didn't actually like it.)

also, i'm changing my hair. if it turns out to be really gruesome, it'll be alright at least before classes resume. details as the story develops. wish me luck.

we went to dinner tonight with a lady who is new to the island. i feel as if i've been playing that dinner-with-adult-strangers game a lot lately, while intellectually i know this to be false. i certainly understand the importance of being supportive of people who are new here, because there is not a lot in life that has inspired melancholy in me quite like a new neighborhood with unwelcoming neighbors. most of these people aren't new, though, and it feels like i'm experiencing the same dinner over and over again. it's like groundhog day, that movie with bill murray, except i'm not trying to land andie macdowell so much as i'm trying to generally be charming and not lose heart.

i know that i'm selfish to not want to spend time with nice people who know my parents, but i don't want to talk about mary kay or pets anymore. i haven't a very large pool from which i draw topics, and discussing what i'm studying at school and pets are always the conversational life-rafts.

i guess the bottom line is i just really want to be around people my age. it's not easy to meet people, and it just hasn't happened for me. i really wish i could experience the typical summertime homecoming, complete with reconnecting with your friends from high school who happened to attend a different university. i know that there is something else i'm meant to be doing, and that's alright, but for now i'm a little gloomy.

i didn't choose to live this semi-nomadic life, but i know that even if i had a normal hometown i would completely take it for granted and would probably be aching to spend all of my time elsewhere. i'm just checking out the grass right now, and it's appearing to be a slightly brighter shade of green.

that is all. having said all of that, my parents and i are attending a get-together tomorrow for all of the medical families in my neighborhood. who knows how it will be, but i'm going to try and be pleasant and positive. if all else fails, "i'm an english major considering a career in print media. what's that? you have a dog?".

sometimes i can't believe that he gives me the time of day:


since we met
my life's been so
up in the air
here today, but by next week
i could be there on the street
struggling to support my newest vice
with a sign that says
"will work for love advice"
because i will mow your lawn if you tell me
what i'm doing wrong

[disclaimer: this is not the mistake of my life, or a mistake at all.]

and now it's time for "life lessons with karyn"...

when somebody wants to play a song for you that they think you would like, and they're really excited about sharing it with you, the worst thing you could do it start talking about something completely random during the first chorus.

preview for tomorrow's lesson: ignoring your children (don't)

TEN random things about me:
1. i've won 3 gold medals and 7 silver in the far east drama competition.
2. i read a webcomic every weekday.
3. i can actually be really shy.
4. i love video games, and i'm pretty good at tekken.
5. i'm terrified of upperclassmen in my english classes.
6. chocolate is alright, but i love peanut butter.
7. i write almost all the time.
8. i always look at art but i never buy it because i can't afford the framing.
9. i love to look around craft stores.
10. when i was 16, i thought i was going to marry my boyfriend.

NINE places i've visited:
1. singapore, singapore
2. seoul, south korea
3. athens, greece
4. sherman, texas
5. japan japan japan
6. the isle of wight
7. hagatna, guam
8. paris, france
9. cairnes, australia

EIGHT things i want to do before i die:
1. carry a child
2. publish something
3. go to graduate school
4. share guam with somebody
5. have a playful wedding
6. perform in a theater again
7. live outside the united states
8. meet a president

SEVEN ways to win my heart:
1. have an open mind
2. listen to ska music
3. wear those grey pants
4. read for pleasure
5. vote. i don't care who for, but vote.
6. speak well
7. rub my ears

SIX things i believe in:
1. grace
2. vonnegut's new humanism
3. reading to your children
4. the beauty of language
5. going out on a limb
6. taking time to listen

FIVE things i'm afraid of:
1. scorpions
2. submitting writing
3. raising my hand in english classes
4. having nightmares
5. having muscular dystrophy

FOUR of my favorite items in my bedroom:
1. a traffic sign that i found in the jungle in guam
2. my books (all of them)
3. the rocking chair, if it had a cushion
4. my cat, usually

THREE things i do everyday:
1. read something
2. obsessively check my e-mail
3. talk to robin

TWO things i am trying not to do right now:
1. be too idealistic
2. waste time

ONE person i want to see right now:
1. ellen (bet you thought i'd say robin. too easy.)

did you ever have one of those nights where you couldn't sleep because somehow you ended up sleeping through the previous afternoon, so you end up googling all of your ex-boyfriends and wonder why that always seems like a fun idea at the time but really turns out to be extraordinarily depressing, like The Lesson You Never Learn?

no? yeah... i haven't either.

people who have successful first relationships and end up spending the rest of their lives with their first boyfriends seem uncommonly lucky. i haven't been traumatized, but it would be lovely to look back and see nothing. extremely rational, i know.

wow - i can actually name a person who married his first girlfriend. i hate you, josh wrye.

ah, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. ah, alexander pope. =)

(i love you, josh.)

in my defense, i had written up this very stimulating blog and it got deleted.

it got deleted because i'm on a computer with a lot of problems.

i'm on a computer with a lot of problems because i'm at a different house.

i'm at a different house because i'm dogsitting for some friends.

which brings me to my next point: i got totally mac-fac'ed regarding this entire situation. dogsitting sounds fun and easy, doesn't it? doesn't it?? well, it's not. it's not entirely unfun, but it's definitely work, and stressful work at that!

the two dogs, named dexter and didi, are only halfway housetrained. when i say that, i mean that dexter is housetrained and didi doesn't seem to have quite grasped the idea of using the grass instead of the carpet. i'm relatively sure that the phrase "bad dog" has completely lost meaning for her... she may even interpret it now as "please please please didi, i wish you would relieve yourself on the carpet right in the entrance to the house so that i walk in and step on it before i turn on the lights!" because that's happened. twice. also, once in one of the bathrooms.

i must say, though, that it's really fun to have dogs curl up next to you in bed. dexter even sleeps under the covers with me. it was a little weird last night, since he had been humping the pillows, but i pressed on. all in all, i've decided that i never want a dog. never ever. never ever ever ever. unless it's an old english sheepdog, in which case i'll name it ozymandias and love it forever. (also, i will look upon its works and despair!)

tonight i got into a discussion about the importance of the english language, and the beauty of being able to communicate one's precise feelings. it was fun. adults listened to me. i felt euphoric.

that's it. i'm exhausted. i have to be somewhere tomorrow morning.

sometimes i can't move
my feet, it seems.
as if i'm
stuck in the ground
somehow
like a tree.