i'm growing my hair out and working on a new planner.

here's a strange conversation:

1: "i don't love you anymore."

2: "i don't love you any less."

i got a cat stuck in a tree. it was horrible, but this isn't a bad butt shot.

my summer in hawaii has turned out to be something.

i've already saved over 3 times my goal amount of money for the summer, which means i'm not so worried about my future. and i have another three or four weeks to work before heading back to school, so i should be at about 4 or 5 times my original goal by my return to school. i could have never earned that without coming back to hawaii.

i also doubt i would be thinking this seriously or this frequently about god had i not come back to hawaii. i made a friend who is stretching me spiritually, and we spend 7-8 hours together every weekday because she works in my office. actually, she was the subject of my last post. i would have never met her if i had not come back to hawaii. suzanne would have never run into joyce at the courthouse, and i never would have gotten this job working for joyce and i never would have met rachel and been moved to actually open my bible. actually, who knows. it's impossible to tell what would have happened, but i get the impression from listening to myself that hawaii was the only way.

i've been listening to some new music. that's what happens, you know - you have to listen to new music. the old music just makes you sad. i've been listening exclusively to janis joplin in the car - today i thought i would try out ben folds instead, just to move the world around a bit. i couldn't really listen to ben folds. i think it's going to be a while.

i think that a lot of things are going to be a while. but i never lied and i was never unfaithful, so i'm alright. i can feel good about that.

anyway, janis joplin sings about relationships a lot. and working at a divorce lawyer's office is like having an all-day-every-single-day pass to private screenings of crumbling relationships between two people who at one point must have thought they had finally found love on this planet. i spend a lot of time talking to women who have no faith in the male gender, and i can feel myself becoming one of them. i got angry at work for the first time today, angry at a man in the office, and when my anger subsided i realized that i was ultimately angry just because i had identified him as weak and dishonest solely because he's a man.

i'm not comfortable with not being able to believe people. but really, why should i? i didn't lie.

i guess that even though i wouldn't call this summer an overtly happy one, i'm content. i am a selfish girl to complain at all.

i really miss everybody. i cannot wait to hug you guys. adam, i want to put my head on your shoulder like when i was seventeen. that was three years ago.

(a friend of mine made this for me. i had to edit it a little bit for the blog, but i wanted to share it with you because it makes me laugh loud and hard, and i needed that. he doesn't know why i was bummed out. actually, he knows almost nothing about my life. but i do believe him.)



(one day i'm going to grow wings)

i think what
tossed me farther
than her advice
(and how could
she have
known what promises
i recorded months
ago) was how
easily i reconciled
the godtalk with the
drunken tongue cartwheeling
over last-night sand,
or the stubby filter
after discarded filter
as she paced her
(angelic) vulture circles.
--so what do you
know, i did
pick up that ailing
bible spine and
revisit gift lists.
i am no
apostle myself
and certainly no prophet.
i cannot make
a cake rise, let
alone perform miracles.
i am then not much
closer to sticking a
pin into a winged word
for that
occupation line on
the (bittersweet) visa.
but! i've seen god
become most things
to most men and
surely he sent me this
somersaulting prophetess
to spew truth from
a foul mouth
into an oatcake that
she bought for me
(and passed to
me across the
tilting blue-grey
table).