happy birthday, mama. =)

i've emerged from both hawaii and florida, and classes began for harding students this past monday. i cannot believe that i'm a senior in college. a senior in college.

i had a fantastic time in florida with adrienne and her husband kenny. i think that both of us were a little worried about the visit because i had not spent time with her in several years, but i don't see how it could have gone better. our mannerisms are so alike. actually, i think that she and i are alike in a lot of ways. i took her to get more ink, but decided that another tattoo for me right now would be difficult to justify financially. i took one day to drive to daytona and visit zach fisher, a good friend of mine from high school. we talked on the beach together and harmonized to the darkness in his purple kia (which he has apologetically named "buck"). the visit was something of an emotional renewal, as it had been a long time since i'd been around a guy without having to feed him questions to facilitate a hemi-conversation. i also spent time with katie bolla and evan judd, who both heavily feature in memories of my Past Life in Orange Park. i hope that katie comes to visit harding this semester.

i was not as happy to return to searcy as i had anticipated. i guess that's the trouble with prescribed emotion reactions (and prescribed mood stabilizers). the first day of class was long, because i have four classes on mondays and one of them lasts for three hours, but i think i'm learning to be content. i'll settle into the "student" role again happily. i'm taking american literature (my last survey course everrr), literary criticism, environmental science, pentateuch, film as literature, and general psychology. it feels like it's been a while since i took any general edcuation classes, and i'm taking only 17 hours, so hopefully this semester will be a bit of a break so that i can work more intently on literary criticism (supposed to be wildly difficult) and on the anticipatory research for my BA paper.

i'm getting surprising reactions from people when i tell them that i'm not planning on grad school, which is prompting me to give grad school some more thought. the best thing i can probably do about my future for the time being is not to worry. something will happen. one thing i've actually learned this summer is the importance of creating opportunities. oftentimes one's efforts yield absolutely nothing, but once in a long while going out on a limb does not end in excruciating pain. i don't suppose that this offers overwhelming comfort to the battered people of the world, but there doesn't seem to be much of an alternative.

so, i hope to live the next nine months of my life creating opportunities. at the end of those nine months, i'll receive my wretched diploma and perhaps one of those opportunities will carry me elsewhere. all i know at this moment is that i cannot be nobody or do nothing.

i read a great deal of d.h. lawrence poetry this summer - he's brilliant. here's one of my favorites, and then i'm finished.

Self-Pity

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

this is evidently my 372nd post.

well, i got my hair cut. and i plucked my eyebrows.

now that those announcements are out of the way, it's time for a segment that i like to call Karyn's Feelings.

i think it's been long enough now that i can talk about it on my Silly Little Blog: getting dumped is the worst. it truly sucks. it makes you feel like there must be something horribly wrong with you if somebody can just cut ties with you and be completely fine or--what's worse--relieved. anyway, i was angry with robin for a long time because i didn't think that he understood that my breaking up with him was such a great thing to do for him (because now he can be happy with his new girlfriend in a way that he was probably never happy with me, despite the grueling duration of our relationship). yesterday it occurred to me that maybe someday i can thank jeremy for breaking up with me and allowing me to be happy with my presumably-existent future partner. that is a big step for me. it has made a big difference.

today i feel alright. i spent a long time talking to kerry (for those of you who don't know, he was my boyfriend when i was 15-16) today. i usually just have silly conversations with him, because we have the same sense of humor, but today we discussed Important Matters with me. i'm not sure if i adequately communicated this to him, but he helped me tremendously. he told me how he sees things. it was beautiful. ever since that drive to joplin to be with katie on her birthday, i've been trying to cope with potentially being alone. i suppose i've been experimenting with relying less on my friends. i've decided that, while being alright alone is a healthy and beautiful accomplishment, this pursuit is largely ridiculous for me. i'm a social person. i need people. i'm not meant to live on an island unless living on an island means sipping nonalcoholic daiquiris out of coconut shells with a small group of friends on the beach. there isn't anything wrong with desiring companionship, and if God (i capitalized it for you, scott) gave me a brain that wants to play with other brains, i need to trust him to give me a brainy playmate. i need to trust him, and i need to be prepared to wait. i'm a human being, and i'm mostly a particularly absurd human being, but as of this very moment, i trust that God will do that for me and i am prepared to wait. i trust that God will provide for my needs, even my emotional needs. i feel good about this. also, if you're reading this and you think you might be my special brainy playmate, please know that i already think that you're wonderful. (and please call me.)

on wednesday, i went to a used bookstore on my way home from work. i don't know why i keep going back to that store - i just keep buying books. this time i bought four, including a volume of poetry by w.s. merwin, who is a fantastic poet. as soon as i got home, i set out bird seed, sat myself down on some lawn furniture, and read the merwin poems aloud to the birds. the brazilian cardinal was too busy eating, the male doves were too busy with their would-be romantic interludes, and the female doves were too busy avoiding the male doves' come-ons, but i think i really connected with one of the java sparrows. i don't know if it was a male or a female, so i named him or her leslie. anyway, leslie didn't fly away until about halfway into the eighth poem. i read the entire book sitting there. i should have been reading to the birds all summer. poems are different and sometimes better when they are heard. saul williams once said that poetry is a spoken art. i like saul williams. when i get to searcy and unpack, i think i'll read a volume of saul williams poetry aloud to the squirrels. i'll find a searcy leslie.

i've been wondering how much i need to change myself. i'm thinking that i might want to start talking a bit more softly, making fewer nonsensical noises, driving less erratically, sitting still more frequently, etc. i can't decide if that would mean that i was growing up, or if that would mean that i'm losing my essential karynness. i guess i'll always be karyn ("how am i not myself?), unless i'm somehow forced into the witness protection program. even then, though, it would probably be good to go with the name "karyn kiser" anyway. whoever i was hiding from would never suspect that i was living under the same exact name even after joining the witness protection program.

i guess i'm just rambling now. i can't sleep. i feel good, though.