for arguably the first time in my life, i am in a long distance relationship. though my typical reaction to this situation involves a great deal of whimpering and moping and plaintively staring out into space as i sit in tragic winter windowlight, i am occasionally reminded that such a relationship happens to hold many legitimate merits.

who are you trying to convince, karyn? you may be asking. me, or yourself?

well, in short, myself. and it's not really convincing--it's reminding. i need to be reminded that i am extravagantly blessed despite the gentle curvature of approximately 700 miles of earth separating the two of us.

then do i really need to be reading this? you may now be asking yourself.

no, i suppose you don't.

do you really need to be writing this?

yes, i do. thank you for asking.

and so i present, in an innumerated list, reasons why long distance relationships have an advantage over lousy live-in-the-same-city relationships.

1. we have to take it slow. the usual pattern that new couples fall into, when they spend all of their time together to the exclusion of any of their friends, isn't an issue. this means that i get to maintain the other relationships in my life, and i still get to wake up every morning knowing that there exists a boy to whom i am unique.

2. we deeply appreciate spending time together. i know that the days we see each other are not ordinary days. the opportunity to sit across from him at letty's while they cook curry for him that is never quite spicy enough, to fly a pink hello kitty kite with him at berryhill park, to walk to a video store in the snow in columbus, these opportunities are special.

3. we get to have a brand new first kiss every few weeks. my apologies if that is disgusting, but it is true, and it is lovely.

4. we are forced to be productive. after i make it through about a half a day of moping when we leave each other again, i snap out of it and realize that i still have day-to-day obligations. i don't necessarily have to organize my priorities--having a boyfriend on most days simply means calling him to say good morning when i wake up and goodnight when i go to sleep.

5. we are continually faced with the reality of what it would be like if we weren't dating. and knowing what it's like not to see him every day makes me that much more resolute in moving to the same town.

which is happening in a few months. until then, we aren't going to go more than two weeks without seeing each other.

because of our two week rule, the waiting process is beginning to follow a familiar pattern.

in the words of a fox, "for instance, if you come at four in the afternoon, i'll begin to be happy by three. the closer it gets to four, the happier i'll feel. by four i'll be all excited and worried; i'll discover what it costs to be happy!"

that's the essence of separation, i suppose--i have discovered what it costs to be happy.

is it worth it?

this is well worth it.

the relationship between student and teacher is strange. when one takes a teaching job, one makes a commitment to the students that lasts the entire term. when one signs up to take a class, one makes a commitment to the teacher that lasts the entire term.

as can be reasonably accepted, either party experiences days of failure. students fail their teachers by blowing off class or homework. teachers fail their students by not being prepared, or not taking planning or grading seriously.

i certainly have days when i come home from work feeling like i have somehow failed. today, for instance, we continued our discussion of the little prince in comp 2. i planned a class period that involved technical elements of the plot--discussing the book as actual literature and not just a story. i tried to explain what constitutes a theme vs. a motif. i posed specific questions in order to help them arrive at the themes and motifs of the book. i realized, though, throughout our discussion, that i really wasn't prepared for the structured, technical conversation that i was wanting to have. i took for granted the details of discussing literature and literary technique. i wasn't able to explain the types of things that a comp 2 teacher ought to be able to explain.

and i wonder how much my students notice or care about those moments of failure. i know how much i care, though, and the difficult part of those days--those days when i fail--is that i still have to show up the next time the class meets. that part of the job is hard.

also, i might enjoy teaching writing more than i enjoy teaching literature. i enjoy studying literature much more than i enjoy studying writing. i don't know what to do with that.

also, owen had to go back to ohio this morning. also, i started my period.

laaaaame.

i'm concerned that perhaps it was a fluke that i had such a crop of fantastic and encouraging students last semester. my students right now are certainly not bad--many of them are exciting personalities with a lot to say. there just seems to be a larger gulf between the people who care and the people who don't care.

or maybe i'm just disturbed that they are more concerned about heath ledger than benazir bhutto or martin luther king, jr.?

the jury's still out.

either way, i have officially applied to graduate school. i have no frame of reference for how difficult it is to get into graduate school, or how difficult it is at this particular school, so i am fully prepared for any or all outcomes. regardless of toward what, my life is moving forward. whatever i end up doing, i'll be doing.

also, how in the world will i pay for graduate school, should i be accepted? i've decided not to worry about that for the time being. something will happen, even if it's loans.

there is nothing stranger than adulthood.

here is a picture of a yawning baby hedgehog to lighten the mood.

david bazan mostly doesn't believe in god anymore, or so he said during a performance. he was the front man for the band pedro the lion, and still is a musician and songwriter i respect immeasurably. the song he performed shortly thereafter was "secret of the easy yoke."

the pertinent lyrics to that particular song are:

if all that's left is duty,
i'm falling on my sword.
at least then i wouldn't serve
an unseen distant lord.
could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall?
i still have never seen you,
and some days i don't love you at all.

that album was released in 2001. i wonder what happened between then and now to make him believe that god is probably not real. part of why i respect him so much as an artist and a human being is that he was so open with his struggles with having faith in god. that has meant a lot to me in my own walk--the "we" in "we walk by faith."

i don't know if people are just pretending to be certain that god is real, but i don't know if i could tell you that i've ever been certain. or, that i've been certain since i started having independent thoughts about the world. does independent thought necessary mean uncertainty? does a person have to accept that all things are possibilities in order to have independent thoughts?

i know that i was certain when i was baptized 11 years ago. i absolutely don't regret having been immersed at such a young age. on the contrary, there has been no better time in my life since then for me to have affirmed that belief. children have the strongest faith.

now that pedro the lion broke up, david bazan is doing his own thing and, from my estimation, having great success. his recent ep, fewer moving parts, is punctuated with the anger and desperation that naturally result from losing the foundation and security of having a savior.

i've been having a difficult time believing in god. this doesn't negate my most recent post--i am reading, and i am seeking, and i am trying to draw near to god. but every single day is different. some days i think i'm really on the verge of something, and others i feel like i have to face the rest of my life without a savior. i've been circumstantially depressed in the short span of my life, and i've been circumstantially happy, but i had not previously come across a feeling as downreaching or overwhelming as the hopelessness at the thought that, when i try to pray at night, my words and thoughts are merely floating up to stick in the musky attic of my house, a room i've never been in, but i can imagine is lightless and wholly without any hope of being redeemed as a usable space.

so what makes believing in god so difficult? it's not the famines, plagues, disasters, wars, murders, or any other remnant of the unspeakable evil floating just above the skyline at any given moment. those things are too obvious. if anything, a tsunami in southeast asia is evidence that god does exist.

no, it's the small things. it's that i can walk from my office door to my car to drive home, that i can pass an entire evening doing a puzzle, that i can wash my dishes or boil water to make rice, that i can do these things without ever hearing the voice of god. it is that i can walk up and down grocery aisles collecting bags of off-brand cereal, loaves of whole grain bread, and frozen stir fry vegetables without ever feeling god's hand on the small of my back. it is that i am alone when i pump gas, alone when i pick out my clothes in the morning, alone when i scrub my face or clip my fingernails.

i don't need god to materialize in my office and exchange knowing glances with me. i just want not to live all day every day feeling like he isn't inside me, beside me, or somewhere near.

i fully realize that nobody appreciates seeing song lyrics on a blog, but i'm going to put them here anyhow because they have meant a lot to me. so, here's the things david bazan has written that i hadn't been able to write myself.

from "harmless sparks":
god knows, if you notice the millions of small holes
and ponder the weight of an apple
compared to the trouble we're in,
then a grown man might be tempted to question his birthright,
in front of his kids and devout wife,
causing the doubt to begin to spread like original sin.

from "cold beer and cigarettes":
our car's on fire in the parking lot and nobody wants it to rain,
but god isn't listening, so all of the windshields glisten.
the water and oil mix causing the fire to spread
to five or six innocent automobiles waiting in their nearby spots.
what a cruel god we've got.

from "curse your branches":
oh, falling leaves should curse their branches
for not letting them decide where they should fall
and not letting them refuse to fall at all.

and, my favorite, from "heavy breath":
so no heavy breath blew up these lungs
while dirt and wet spit hung a ghost in the air,
but we're still here. we're still here.

what david bazan actually said as he was introducing his song was, "i don't even believe this dude [god] exists, mostly, now." despite this open and advertised doubt, he still ended each of his shows in his recent tour with his version of leonard cohen's "hallelujah." on some level, he has to know that god is real.

on some level, so do i, but that doesn't mean that i always have hope.

i guess i just wanted other people to know that this is happening inside of me.

my schedule this semester is vastly different from last semester. i'm teaching two classes, but i'm also working a second part-time job--twenty hours a week in the writing lab tutoring and giving guidance to anybody working on writing assignments. so far it looks like the experience will help me ease into a full-time schedule pretty nicely. i still maintain, however, that working from 9-5 is horrific. maybe i just haven't found the right job? i work from 8-3, though, and that's wonderful. it helps that tuesday and thursday are only from 10-2... that's it. i need a man.

the more i teach, the more confident i am that i could be happy teaching forever.

in other news, right now i have less in my checking account than what our january energy bill ended up being. when i first discovered this, i was terrified. but! i'm getting paid in two weeks, and the bills won't be due before i get the paycheck. i am learning not to worry about things. i trust that god is going to provide for me. i haven't genuinely trusted god like that in a long time. "hey, maybe this god guy is real?"

honestly, i've been staying in a lot to read my bible. this is not meant to be bragging--i'm just astonished that i am enjoying that. i never believed that i could enjoy things like that. i wake up, i call owen, i take a shower, i go to work, i come home, i make dinner, i do whatever planning or grading i need, occasionally i hang out with friends, i play kol, i call owen again, i read my bible, and i go to sleep.

my life is simplified, i guess.

i just finished lesson plans and syllabi for this semester's classes. writing the lesson plans is way more complicated than writing up a syllabus, but the syllabi are more tedious and therefore endlessly wretched. i'm glad to be finished with those steps.

actually, i'm thrilled with an opportunity to build more experience and teach more effective classes with what i've learned from my classroom time thus far. i'm teaching one section each of ENG 111 and ENG 211, so i get to rest in the comfort of something i've already done (comp I) while i'm expanding the critical thinking components to a more in-depth study (comp II).

i don't mean to bore anybody with a bunch of shop talk, but it's looking like comp II could be the most exciting opportunity i've ever been given. i am desperately, passionately in love with language and communication, but this course is meant to extend beyond writing into pure reasoning skills like synthesis and analysis. critical thinking is without a doubt the most valuable skill that any of my college courses helped to develop in me, and i really do think of it as loving god with one's mind.

as an instructor at harding, i am clearly meant to teach all of my classes from a christian perspective. however, as a woman--especially a young woman--i'm really not sure how much liberty i'm given to share such opinions. but, i will do my best to encourage my students to love god with their minds without making anybody uncomfortable.

modern christians cannot deny that christianity is perceived as anti-intellectual. at a christian university, especially in the college of liberal arts, the professors ought to be aware of this, and they ought to prepare their students to embrace thoughtfulness in their faith and to demonstrate that thoughtfulness in their expressions of faith to the outside world. this is not just to have the appearance of intellectualism, but to fulfill a part of the greatest commandment, to love god with one's heart, soul, and mind. thinking about what we believe, examining it, and refining it will genuinely strengthen our own experiences and relationships while also allowing us to witness, on even the smallest scale, to those who would otherwise perceive christianity as a mindless religion.

all of this feeds into what i believe to be the purpose of comp II. but, should i grow too spirited, please somebody grab my shoulders, shake them a little, and remind me that it's only a 200-level course.

my students will have to read articles about cultural identity, american consumerism, the potential importance of not having an opinion, the development of nonthreatening language, and beauty of all spoken and written language. they will confront the question of whether or not, beyond the stars, the little prince's sheep ate his perfect rose when we read the little prince, and they will have to examine the search for god amidst the reality of war when we read the razor's edge.

i almost wish i hadn't tested out of ENG 211 when i was in high school.

hello, good friend.

karyn's whirlwind month-off-of-work extravaganza is coming to a close. apparently blogging falls under the category of "work."

the past month has been unbelievable. i drove my little golden kia rio home to fort meade, maryland, in late december, making a pit stop in columbus, ohio, to visit owen and break up the toilsome trip. i drove instead of flying because my parents were gracious enough to give me my father's red ford focus, which is phenomenal. i love it more and more as i'm spending more and more time with it. i could not be more appreciative of this gift.

being the only kid at home for christmas felt pretty surreal. i had a difficult time believing that we had a holiday at all without a larger family gathering, but i genuinely treasured the time that i got to spend alone with my parents. i had been nursing some sort of exciting sinus problem for the two weeks before christmas, and i was still sick when i was home with my family. this resulted in a great deal of time spent in bed, which really ate into what should have been a great deal of family bonding. but we pressed on!

mom and i enjoyed many adventures in shopping, the highlight of which was an epic journey for an open yarn shop. yarn is apparently always sold in hole-in-the-wall, out-of-the-way shops with tiny storefronts miraculously concealing mountains of fiber. our quest took us to a sewing machine store, and we spent about an hour chatting with the woman who works there. mom and i actually have a lot of common interests, and i really loved spending that time with her.

dad and i shared countless hours with the wii. i had all but given up on ever scoring a run in baseball, but our luck changed near the end, and dad is getting pretty good at those home runs. i'm excited even with a double. i'm also, by no fault of my own, strangely good at bowling. tanks takes the cake, though. dad and i played cooperatively, but i could scarcely scrape together the hand-eye coordination to get to levels 6 and 7. if i remember correctly, we never got past level 11. i think he's going to stick to this whole doctor gig, and i'll keep on teaching.

i am grateful for a generous and accessible set of parents, and i'm enjoying our relationship even more as i am somehow becoming more of an adult. (i'll be twenty-two whole years old in march! yikes!)

my time in fort meade ended with another visit with owen, who flew into baltimore to drive back to arkansas with me by way of columbus. we spent a very relaxed new years together. regardless how the rest of 2008 ends up, he's the first person i looked at and talked to this year. and also kissed. you know--new years and all.

actually, he's my boyfriend.